The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My almost 4 months sober A told me today that he doesn't believe he needs AA and rehab and since he's still sober he thinks that he can do it on his own. I believe the program is keeping him from drinking again. He quit for 2 months a year ago and started drinking again.
I've read a lot of posts about stark raving sober and am seing the same thing going on with him (the mood changes, not talking, no affection, watching TV all day etc). I felt some relief from reading the posts until he told me this tonight.
Now I wonder if he's not actually working the program and just going because he has to (court) which I guess that would put him in the "dry drunk" category. At the same time I wonder if he just needs more time until he decides to actively work the program or what is going on.
All this time I have been very patient, learning about Alanon and using some of the tools, thinking he is making progress. Don't get me wrong, I'm not working on me for him, I'm doing it for me. I do not want to be with a dry drunk but I'm not sure what to make of this at the same time.
The main thing he does not agree with is (he told me this on his own) finding a HP. He is not religious, and I know that a HP can be anything I can believe in. I don't think he's taking it seriously or maybe he's just not ready. Maybe he is just confused?
At the same time I know I am not supposed to worry about what he's thinking but it seems like we are at a standstill without progress. I seem to be non-existent in his eyes.
Is there such thing as denial after starting recovery? Can denial come around again after admitting to the problem and getting sober?
hey buick, well, my esh is that the HP piece is key (in my opinion). Its really the whole cornerstone from my experience.
My soon to be ex AH also does not believe in a power greater than himself and for me, this was key information for me in seeking a divorce. I cannot be married to someone who does not have a spiritual component and also believes that my spiritual component is cultish. And believe me, I am not really cultish at all about my HP, I just know what I know and pretty much keep it to myself unless someone asks. It became part of the constellation of blame and shame that he so loved to use on everyone around him, especially me as his wife. I just could not take it anymore.
I reached a point where I truly honestly believed that I deserved better. I also really could see that he was so depressed and withdrawn and deeply unhappy and that myself as a person who grew up in such a massively dysfunctional home really needed to not exist in such a toxic atmosphere. I am a basically happy person and flourish when I surround myself with others like me. It was such a revelation/miracle of the program to discover this "limitation" of mine- I needed to not surround myself with depressed and unhappy people! Its like living in a cave all my life instead of going out into the sunshine. I decided to go out into the sunshine and I am so glad I did!!
In this program we do learn that we have choices- yipeeee! Hugs, J.
for everyone... i recall having "ah ha" myself, even a year into me working my program on an everyday basis. to me, these denials are what holds us back from getting enlightened -- from seeing how to NOT judge, how to NOT react, how to NOT have expectations, etc.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I once heard in a open AA speaker meeting, From the speaker that was a member of AA. He spoke about a HP
That he could not grab on to a concept of one. Until one day, he said.. he found one. He said it was the tables at the meetings. He also said his journey of finding himself carried much guilt, And piece by piece he found the serenity that many spoke of at AA tables.
With this example I shared there is Hope,
We do not know what another will choose for there path.
Lots of people have found sobriety at AA without the standard concept of a higher power. You don't have to believe in God to work a 12 step program. You just have to believe that "you're not him".
That said, even more people have used AA's focus on a HP as an excuse not to work the program. It's so handy to be able to say "It's a cult" and go have another drink.
AA has the concept of "planting a seed" - he may not be ready to find sobriety this time. However, when he truly hits his bottom and is ready, he knows where to go for help. What he has learned at the meetings he's gone to is in his memory, there for him when he needs it, if he chooses.
I think your A might be going through something where "he is getting in the way of his recovery", as in, his stubboness that got him into trouble, is still convincing him that he can beat this thing without help.....One of the very big keys for successful recovery is the humbling experience of accepting/recognizing help, and realizing that you cannot do it on your own....
Sad to hear this, as I would suggest his chances of remaining sober are very slim under these circumstances, but it IS his recovery.....
"He will either drink (or choose recovery, or NOT choose recovery) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you, and choose recovery for yourself.... You're worth it.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It must be so hard. I know, however, that denial is for every program out there, AA, NA, Alanon even. When we don't work our program, no matter what the program, the old, natural behaviors come back up to rear their ugly heads.
And that is why I keep coming, no matter what. There's no excuse for me to not get to meetings, not support others, not do sponsor/sponsee work, not practice Step 12. I know when I start to slide, I am heading for trouble.
Keep coming hon, it works if you work it and you are soooooooooo worth it, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Denial is a human condition not specifically rooted in alcoholism. People are in denial about something or another at the moment. Denial in program though suggest a condition of not being open minded to important and necessary information that could alter an alcoholics or enablers life for the better. That important and necessary information comes from those who have been there, done that, and found real solutions to their problem.
There are many many conditions that kept me from accepting a Higher Power and one of them was my upbringing in a certain fundamentalist religion. Unless the rooms spoke of God and only I understood God and then they didn't so I had a problem until I rid myself of fear and practiced openmindedness. Today my perception of my Higher Power transcends what I learned as a child thru my teen years and this has helped me beyond belief. Your Alcoholic seems to be having trouble with anything that suggest he change outside of his own narrow thinking and belief systems. He is dry and tells you that he can do it on his own will result in failure for him. Although AA is one part about not taking that next drink it is mostly about building barriers against taking that next drink and your alcoholic has no defense against that if he is trying from his own self determination.
Best for me was to get my hands off of my alcoholic, turn away and turn to ward my own recovery. I started to believe what others with time in the program were telling me and that resulted in letting go of fearful control and expectations and go on about building a proper life for my self which was my responsibility from the start.
You can grow without him. It's okay and you don't need permission or a law to do that. Come join the program and refind your peace of mind and happiness.
