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i had to dial 911 yesterday after my a came over in a rage..starting screaming and yelling then all broke loose with punches kicks spitting smacking and of course verbal abuse..i was the instigator of the physical when i pushed her...then it just steam roled...she began trashing my place..i dialed 911
she was charged with simple assault..i was let go
the cops smelled the alcohol on her and saw my place and knew she had come over
she was in a rage early in the morning screaming and yelling about things she messed up...she said she was over whelmed
she got tanked the night before and i guess she drank so much that the alcohol was still seeping out of her when we went down to the police station
now i know i shouldn't of put my hands on her..i snapped..then she kept it going with punches spitting and verbal assaults that obviously pierced me to the bone
i am lready in anger management classes and i guess i get an f on this one
i feel guilt shame etc...and we have not ha contact all though she is in contact with my mother
she has called a couple of times but i am not answering my phone
like i said..i feel like ...i'm certain she feels worse
it went from swimming in the sunshine and dinner to the next day this
i am remissed..i am belligerent in my mind right now
i hit up a meeting ast night...an alanon meeting...and shared and talked to a few people
obviously everyone is telling me to cut ties...i even wonder why she is still calling me
it has been a l ride..i need to get a job and refocus my life..once again the pain is nasty and i feel like hell about what happened but the energy was just so high and explosive..fromm both of us
\anyway...the cops charged her..i didn't..i guess she has to be in court next wednesday..her fathers girlfriend called me and asked me to drops the charges...i told her i didn't charge her...the cops did
anyway...thats were things stand now.my friends and family are telling me to stay away...and to this i am trying
i feel like a fool and feel like i did something wrong..i could have walked away but i guess it was just an apurtunity for me to vent my frustrations
Easy does it!!!!! This too shall pass. You only acted out of frustration to the situation you were put in. There is no point in beating yourself up. Live this one day at a time. We learn from our mistakes. Maybe she needed to face her reality, You wouldn't have done what you did if you didn't have a reason. Her instability is not your fault. You can only focus on you, and move forward. Beating yourself up won't make yesterday go away. The past is the past.... let it rest. Just for today, you can make it better from here. At least for yourself.....
I write this reply with some angst myself, as the usual words of "you did the best you could with what you knew at the time" just don't seem to be the whole story here.... Charles - there is simply NO excuse in the world for us, as men, to ever hit or hurt a female EVER..... You know this, by the feelings that you are experiencing after the fact.... Please - use this event as an opportunity of a "line in the sand" moment where today really CAN be the first day of the rest of your life. Try not to beat yourself up about what happened yesterday, but make a commitment to yourself that you are going to learn from it, and use the experience to better yourself. Only you can know whether this is the type of event to reinforce whether or not this person can be in your life on any kind of regular basis, but in Al-Anon, the only person you can focus on is YOU. Looking in the mirror is a good thing, but we do it with the intent of working on ourselves, taking full responsibility for OUR part, and then moving on. It does not do us any good to look in the mirror and beat ourselves up. One of my favorite lines is "it is okay to look at your past, just don't stare".....
I encourage you to use this awful experience from yesterday, as a starting point for the man you are trying so hard to become.
In recovery, Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I like what canadianguy wrote about accepting responsibility. My sponsor once told me that we are not responsible for our disease, but we are responsible for our recovery.
Ask your HP for forgiveness and be done with it.
Moving forward, you need to see how she has the ability to press your buttons and get you to react. My ex-AH has this ability too. He likes to fish. I learned to have a visual ready for when I saw him. I could picture him casting his line... over and over ....trying to get me to bite (react.) Thanks to the tools of Al-anon, I don't do it anymore.
I've heard there are different ways to detach.... there's detaching, there's detaching with love, and there's detaching at all costs. Decide what you need to do to protect your serenity.
((((((hugs))))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
One reason I do not see the A who I was involved with anymore is he acts out all the time. Last time I took him to storage to pick up some of his stuff, he started yelling and being belligerant. I am at a point where I can put the line in the sand.
You are taking some actions. You are not answering the phone. If she comes over you do not have to answer the doors. Sure you have a tremendous amount of feelings about her but she doesn't have to there in front of you to address them. You can address them in other ways, you can address them by writing, by talking to others by doubling up your time with a sponsor.
I am glad you are in anger management class. I think it takes a while to set in. Detaching is one way to deal when someone is overwhelming. I would yell scream curse before now I do not. I know it is all because of really working this program. Going to meetings is one part of it, really giving the tools a go is the other part. Detach then detach then detach some more.
Getting busy isn't just about going to meetings, its going to meetings plus working on your behavior, plus turning it over. When a situation is really crazy, pray till something happens, ask HP to help you.
I've definitely been in the out of control mode with the A I was with. We fought, fought and then fought some more. That was all part of his alcoholism and my codependence. Eventually I started to say I was not willing to do that anymore. I had to be willing to. I could not put it all him. The A who I was with did not get better. I did.
Now its down to you, you can up your program, work on skills, set goals for yourself and work on dealing with your side of the street. Your girlfriend clearly has resources,she knows she needs help. None of that has to come from you.
most people i know change when the pain becomes to great... maybe this woman hasn't brought enough pain, yet, for you to learn what your HP wants to teach you...
when my ex got physically abusive, i had pushed her in self-defense... i believe that a verbal attack, in your personal space, by someone under the influence and unstable, can constitute a need for self-defense. i am not advocating violence, but this tricky circumstance isn't (in my opinion) what you need to stay focused on or feel bad about.
none of us were in your shoes, nor enduring the craziness that surrounded that event... we need to just focus on ourselves and our own progress in the program.
keep coming back, brother... it will help with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Sometimes by detaching or not reacting we can make a situation better. And sometimes the A's have a plan or action that is gonna happen no matter what. No one really knows in your situation, she may have trashed your place if you had not even been there or maybe you did play a major role.
but that was yesturday, thank goodness it's over - when I hit a spot like this once I went to as many face to face meetings as I could and it helped went almost every day for a week or so.
Also maybe if you do get a job you like or at least one that keeps you busy and you like some things about it - and detach at the same time- turn the whole situation over to higher power- then you may find more peace.
I too don't ever advocate a man's touching a woman in anger..ever! That said, I will tell you I once grabbed my ex by the shoulders when she was drunk to turn her to face me and "make" her listen. Of course that didn't work, and I was within a moment of getting punched in the face myself.
Things happen in a confrontational situation like that. The best solution is to not get into those situations, obviously.
Don't beat yourself up too much. Like Tom said, use this event to grow. Sit down and do a 4th step about the incident, find your part, and try to learn so it doesn't happen again.
We all make mistakes.
We all get to choose if we want to dwell on them or grow from them.
That wasn't good for you...all of it and you still have a sense of what you need to do for you...the job and refocus your life. You are working on the refocus by working your programs and that is right and good "the next best thing". I read your story and think, "He did the best he could under the situation." That is true, you did, you may have missed that 3 seconds of thought before putting your hands on her while you were being perfectly human under a very threatening situation. Of course each of us have a different way of judging a situation for what it was yet it was you there and for myself the makeup of which is past spouse abuser and alternatives to violence counselor you did some good things...called 911 was one of the best...get professionals into the fray. Not all touching is violence or abusive. I will not give up my ability or opportunity to use that ability to protect myself regardless of who my attacker is. Self defense is what I make it out to be during the heat of the attack. I will not second guess myself morally or socially when it's time to protect my life. That is from me who is past abuser (not what I'm refering to as defense) and alternatives to violence counselor who was good at what he did given that pat on the back by his cases.
And then we throw in alcohol and alcoholism. For me alcohol reduces the person to less than human. Alcohol robs me of my ability to control my mind, body, spirit and emotions. When I got like your girlfriend I needed also to be locked up or restrained. I had a friend once plead to a cop to "put him down" as the cop held his service revolver at my chest. Less than human so to me it comes down to instincts when we are potential victim of the alcoholic behavior and again for me that is like being in a small room with a snake again that is not a reference to your girlfriend just to the disease. I need to move away from the snake and it's striking distance and fangs. It is that descriptive and that real for me. This disease takes people down and then it kills them what question would I stop to consider while the disease is striking other than wheres the door? The trip stone is your enabling which is hooked up to other things about you...fear being one, confusion being the other, self judgement, etc etc.
No one has the right to tell you what to do. We may have the ability to do it but not the right. We can share our experiences with you and what worked and to be level what didn't also. Regarding the alcoholic it was put to me this way; "You need to detach yourself from everything and everyone that is about this disease" and the everyone included my family, many friends and my wife. It was then I found the door to the room and the power to turn the doorknob that would open the door and let me out. I didn't run out. I didn't quickly leave and then draw a deep breath of freedom. I stepped out crying. I was leaving much of what I knew behind me and I was sorrowful and scared. I stepped out anyway because the consequence is in what I do not what I think.
So I get to read part of my story again as you tell yours. Your head and gut tell you that there are things to do for yourself. Go do those things for yourself. Your head and your gut and others tell you that there are things that you should not do and you need to consider these things also along with another what do I do for myself when it comes to crises and self protection. What ever is necessary under the situation is a safety net in thinking for me.
Keep coming back and mahalo (thanks) for the trust and honesty.
It appears that you are full of remorse and have the desire to change. That's the beginning ~ the awareness that you have an issue and the desire to change.
I was one who would lose her temper when I got really frustrated with a situation. I would throw things, just about anything in reach, when I was flipping out. I don't know how long ago it was when I began to want to change; but I began the hard work and it has paid off tenfold.. Part of how I changed was to reflect on what I was feeling at the time and then ask myself why. Usually it was fear, sometimes it was not accepting what I could not change, and, it was learned behavior (I observed my mother flip out most of my childhood ~ ~ no, I'm not blaming Mom. I take full responsibility for my actions. I had a lot of guidance from a private psychologist.
I can assure you that you can change. I did. I now have good control of my negative emotions. I truly can say I don't feel the rage any longer. Truly. How I gained control and keep in control might be different for you.
But again, you can change. And . . . . oh yeah, that beating yourself up, figuratively speaking, is a big waste of time. I made that mistake, too.
I also stayed away from those who knew how to push my bottons until I knew I could manage being around them, with the exclusion of my husband.
There is probably reputable web site on this issue that might be helpful. Better use of time reading and contemplating how to make changes. Beating thy self up It's futile. Been there. Done that.
Charles - Certainly not and would NEVER condone what you did. But I understand the feelings that led up to that moment. This relationship sounds toxic. If you're in anger management, something tells me that this is something you struggle with. And what you describe - this woman knows your "buttons".
My frustration, rage, and hurt prompted my lowest moment. The moment I grabbed a tall glass of vodka from my A and splashed it in his face. I'm better than that. And I knew it the minute I did it. You know you are, too.
charles, having been in a DV situation once myself I understand how massively complicated that kind of scene can be/get. Its a horrible thing for all concerned. Nothing good would ever come of that.
I was with someone who would not let me leave when I needed to leave. He would physically not let me go out the door/block me/take my car keys, etc. Once he would not let me leave for over 7 hours.
I think that when ANYONE gets backed into a corner, things can happen that one could never imagine happening. As others have said, the trick is to know when you are heading down that road and get off it as early as possible. Even catching a whiff of it can make you head for the hills. I know what all my warning signs are now. I know what a man's gestures and warning signs might be also- I head it off at the pass.
Its just like with my own stinking thinking. I just stop. I can just stop anything anytime within myself. I cannot make anyone else stop anything. But I do have control over myself and you have control over yourself.
I want you to know I feel compassion for you and want you to know you are in my very best thoughts. Hugs, J.
Ok, I am not condoning anything, I don't believe right or wrong has anything to do wiith this!
Even in the animal kingdom if perceived danger from another creature, animals who can stand up on two back legs front paws come up.
I cannot imagine you Charles running towards another to push them.
Has anyone ever seen someone stand there, sink to the floor,turn and run when aggressive danger is in front of them in thier space?
It is a part of human nature. So if one has hands up to protect naturally, the danger escalates, being imperfect being we are going to protect ourselves from an onslaught,male,female,dog,bear whatever.
So does a person say, "hey come get in my face in a very threatening way so I can push you away from me?"
Also I can tell you from experience, sadly, I had NEVER been abused in my life.
My A came to my home where I lived with my two tiny toddlers. All of a sudden he started tipping MY coffee table and breaking things. I got up, I pushed him and ran,got my two babies,my Great Dane and we ran next door.
When they are in your space, they usually are also in your 3 feet of comfort.
If an aggressive person no matter who they are, who is totally out of control is in your space,man or woman,do we have any time to think, hmm lets see what do I do that is right????
No we instinctually,go into a survival mode to protect number one ourself,number two to protect our home if we are there.
Also how many women feel guilty for pushing him/her away, hitting him, kicking him etc when there is perceived danger/aggression?
It is also a double standard. If any of my loved ones was in danger, you bet I would want them to push then away if they had to!
Again, to me it is not right or wrong.It is totally a very SAD situation. I am talking about "this type" of situation too.Not one that is one partner continually abusing in a relationship. When it comes out of nowhere.....
Of course there are variables!! This is one way I see certain situations. Just wanted to share another view.
much love to you Charles. Guilt is stupid, serves NO purpose. I have seen many parts of you now,violence is sure not one of them, um a dirty mouth....wellll (o: not like we all have not blow it there.....!!!!
I invite you to put in your head when you feel bad about it, "I will walk away." period. You learned from it.
She deserved what she got.We can only hope she will get in enough hotwater to help her to realize the trouble she is in.
Charles we ALL learn something from the consequences of our behavior.Don't wish that gift away from her!!
Soooo take a breath,go look at something beautiful and let your creative side out!!! hugs,debilyn
Thanks for the very honest share. Most ppl have no idea how much courage it takes to expose yourself, be vulnerable & completely honest. I try to view every painful experience as an opportunity to grow & be able to handle things better the next time.
Good on you for the anger management. I find it is usually far better to talk about our feelings than act on them. Especially the real painful, difficult and deep ones. Keep sharing & working on yourself. I hope things settle down & you get some clarity, hopefully it will, hang in there!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
broke loose with punches kicks spitting smacking and of course verbal abuse..i was the instigator of the physical when i pushed her...then it just steam roled...she began trashing my place..i dialed 911
It's futile. Been there. Done that.