The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like there have been irreversable changes inside me. The fear, anger, lonliness, betrayal ect... like it's all built up and when (if it's ever) over I wont be the same again.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I don't think our situations are the same but I think I understand what you are saying. I say that to myself will it ever be over? And will I survive? I trust in what Alanon says and am learning to trust my higher power for guidance, solace and serenity.
Well, I doubt you ever will be the same. And that is probably a good thing. For me, I wouldn't want to be the same young girl that was innocent and nieve enough to get involved with a vicious, evil abusive crack addict. That young girl is gone. I am older and wiser and I have scars now. But I can be certain that I do not have to ever make those mistakes again. No matter what had happened in my life I would never be the same as I was. I have grown and I am older. The lessons I have learned have been hard ones. I suffered from PTSD for years and it has been worse in the past year. But it has slowly gotten better. I still have symptoms, but I recognize them and I have my own strategies for dealing. I don't spend too much time on placing the blame, on how distroyed my life has been. I like to focus on what good I have going on. Somedays it's easier than others.
But I do have to say that no matter if I wanted to go back to who I was Icouldn't. No one can. I wouldn't want to live in a denile so powerful that I almost lost my life because of it.
You'll be ok (((((((rainey))))))). In fact, you will be far better than ok. You will be wiser, and stronger and you will pass along all of that experience, strength and hope to others and you will help. It is going to pass and you will be better than you ever thought.
Well, if it's any encouragement to you..... I fully agree with you..... I don't think you'll ever be the same again either.... you'll be 1000 times better!......
Once we accept and adopt a ton of the recovery principles that we learn here, in Al-Anon, etc., we work on ourselves, learn to love ourselves more, and ultimately become a better person for it....
I am certainly no saint, and still most definitely a "work in progress", but - while I would stop short of being "thankful" for my ex-wife having alcoholism - I do acknowledge that I am a better person, more thoughtful, less judgemental, more open - than I ever was before the experience....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have definitely been in so much pain over the A 's actions I felt heart broken. I do know that the love, support, care and understanding I have had in this room and from sponsors and other people has helped me immeasurably.
Tho you can't see it now, you WILL be better. Change hurts, growing hurts. I remember when I was little, I got the most awful leg cramps, my mom called them "growing pains" and she would sit by my bed for hours and massage my shins and calves with rubbing alcohol. So, find something that soothes you.....a good book, a warm bath, candles, friends. And let the growth happen. There is no way to stop it anyway.
And, yes, you will be many, many times over better.
I know my edges now. I know who I am now. I am so grateful to the alcoholic in my life for this. I am divorcing him but I am sooo grateful for the lesson and for having found al-anon (again) through him. I am not ready to tell him this but one day I will as part of my step work.
Yeah, I have changed. I have a heart now. I am alive now, in every way. I am healing now. I am a growing person and I will continue to change and no longer frozen (in fear, in hate, in negativity, in immaturity, etc.). I thawed out. Thanks to this program. I was frozen for a long long long time.
It's true, I have learned alot. I just wonder what it will be like when things are different, if I will be able to trust people and stop worrying so much. Some situations have been so painfully hostile and I have adjusted my life/ temperment to accomodate. Sometimes when I am alone and think back, I get so angry all over again.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I feel the same way, I don't even know who I am anymore, I was never like this before I met my husband. I feel so used, helpless, negative,stressed,depressed and just about anything else. I feel like there is no way out. I just hope that one of these days, I will find the way out, because I hate feeling like this!
I'm wondering if you are using "post traumatic stress disorder" in a generic way or if someone diganosed you with it. I had "it" and had no idea what I had after experiencing a very bad accident. It took years after going to doctor after doctor to land in the office of someone who actually helped me. And, believe me I had "done the work," swallowed the pills, read the books, done the "self-help." Did a good job of burying it deeply inside myself over the years.
Then one day last year, got a prescription for anxiety I was having. Happened to be one of the pills given to me years ago for the post traumatic stress. Something about the "feeling" from the drug that unleashed THE FLOOD of emotions from the terrible accident that caused my post traumatic stress disorder.
The doctor couldn't believe it. My current "cause" for anxiety was pretty legitimate. And, here I was in his office talking about something that happened 4 years ago!
Its not that dear people and doctors didn't try to help me. You know how that goes. They got ten minutes. Don't really know what they are talking about.
But- one dear lady who I sought out over the internet told me that if you don't resolve the post traumatic stress disorder, then that is when it becomes a "syndrome." And, true to its definition, the word syndrome sums it up well.
So, flash back last year; I'm in this doctors office going through my "story" of the accident. This was maybe the third appointment. He stopped me and told me a little technique. And, it worked! Incredible. I'll be happy to tell you if you want. If you are really dealing post traumatic stress. I'm not so sure the technique would work if you are having what they might call general anxiety caused by a host of experiences over a length of time.
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"Yo se lo que debimos hacerlo" (I know what I've got to be.)
