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I dont even know where to start. My father has gotten to be such a horrible drunk and theres nothing I can do about it. I moved back home to be some what of a support system for my mother. My father yelled at me last night and told me I was going no where in life and that I was going to turn out just like him. I have a wonderful life. I graduated college and got a fabulous job and it hurts that he would say something like that. I am not him. I never want to be like him. I'm tired of my family stressing and worrying about him drunk driving. I have gotten a DWI my brother has gotten a DWI. We both learned from it and have made it a point to be the designated driver or not drink to the point where we're inpared. You'd think that would make him stop and realize that his actions are affecting his family. But I guess our mistakes werent enough of a kick in the butt. He will go out to buy alcohol, drink it, then drive back drunk. I fear for everyone on the road. We've taken his keys from him but he made copies. He even had keys made for my brothers car and my mothers so he could take theirs. We've found all the keys and hidden them. We even went to to trouble of parking his truck at close friends houses so he couldnt drunk drive anywhere.
We thought he was ok today but we were wrong yet again. He had more alcohol hidden somewhere. I guess I snapped because I started trying to think of things I could do to stop him from driving. I went out to his truck and started to let the air out of his tires. He found a set of keys somewhere and went out to the truck. He saw what I was doing and grabbed my wrist and started to twist it to make me stop. My fathers a big man but Ive taken self defense classes and was able to fend for myself. He got in the truck and practically ran over me as he drove off. I dont know what to do. I want to call the police and have them arrest him for drunk driving but my family cant afford another DWI charge. I fear he's going to get in a wreck and kill someone. As horrible as it sounds.....Im at the point where I dont care if he kills himself, I just dont want him to hurt anyone else. Yes I know its a horrible thing to say but I really fear for everyone out there!!
Find an alanon meeting to help you with this. This board is awesome but there's nothing like a real face to face meeting to help us. We learn so much in meetings that can't always be conveyed on this board. I've learned in Alanon not to cause any chaos in an already chaotic alcoholic situation but also not to stop any alcoholic from doing something in the natural course of events.
Calling the cops is a tough call. For me, I'd do it in a minute because as you say there are other's lives at stake here. Have you considered talking to your mom and brother and all deciding as a team, together, to call the next time he drives off when drunk? Unless or until your dad reaches his bottom (and then there are no guarantees anyway) he will not stop drinking.
Keep coming, keep posting, you are not alone, we care. yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
((((((((((((pink)))))))))))) good for you for using your self defence and not letting your father walk all over you! i know exactly how you feel, my mother is also an A and it is easy to feel helpless, worthless and useless especially when they say cruel things to us. My mother has often told me she wishes I had never been born and that she hates me etc. but we have to remember no matter what they say to us, their judgement of everyone is clouded and tainted by their addiction, plus I know my mother hates me purely for the fact I have tried to prevent her from drinking in the past like you have done with your father by taking his car keys, which clearly angers him and makes him lash out at the very people who are trying to keep him safe - you and your family. It's hard to let go and watch someone spiral downwards, but his problems are his alone and maybe once he hits rock bottom without the support and care of you and your family, he will look to change his ways. Never compromise your own happiness to pander to him! You deserve to happy and live your life the way you want!
The absolute power that alcoholism holds over the alcoholic and the people they come in touch with is mind boggling and that is why we talk about the insanity of the disease and then use the program to return us to sanity. I can read the insanity in your post...you and the family have tried lots of things and still... You are fearful of calling the police because of prior DWIs and the mark left on the family and still that isn't sane but the disease will use it. Calling professionals that can do what we cannot for the right purpose and right result is about sanity. They are there because they want to serve and they get paid to do it. For me today it would be better to be proactive rather than reactive to a bad bad situations.
What's also insane is having to mind switch between who you are dealing with; the alcoholic or your father. After a time as the disease progresses it usually is often the alcoholic as the father slips further under the surface of reality. That is soooo sad to see and still I've seen real miracles happen from the programs of both AA and Al-Anon. Listening to the alcoholic spew all that "I hate myself so therefore I hate you also" crap makes it difficult not to react and one of the things that we learn in this program and one of my best slogans is, "Don't react". When I react the disease owns me. When I don't react and consider how I would like the situation to come out for me...I get to keep ownership of my own body, spirit, mind and emotions. I like that better don't you? Physical altercations in alcoholism are a given and can be fatal either for the alcoholic, non-alcoholic, or both. Keep yourself safe first and then you might be able to participate in helping him if he decides that he needs help.
Keep coming back. This is good valuable family and lots of very wise people in it. Glad you are home. (((((hugs)))))
Well I have definitely been there. The A who I was with wrecked numerous cars in the past year. I used to feel physically sick when he was driving. I also dealt with the physical stuff you talk about. I tried to restrain him from driving so many times. I also endured years of driving with him while he road raged. Over time he got much worse. The cost to me was phenomenal.
I am so grateful I got to this room. What I had to learn was to detach. If the A ran over someone (he eventualy got to the point of hitting someone's car and running) I was not responsible. I didnt feel responsible then. He had a great way of sliding the responsibility.
I've done the hide the keys stuff. I even took the license plate off the car so he couldn't drive it. I took his keys he had another car then and he just drove that.
The A also spewed hate, blame and malice at me. I took it all.
Over time I stopped putting myself in the way of the alcoholic. I started focusing on me. Great news that you have a wonderful job. Maybe your father will not be able to acknowledge it. That's painful stuff. There are ways to manage the pain.
There is detaching to start with. That really really helps. I have to detach daily from lots of stuff. There are some good descriptions of how to do that at www.coping.org.
Al anon has lots and lots of tools to manage your life.
hello pink , well hon u sound like uhave a great future ahead of you -good job etc , its not your job to look after your dad , get your life back . I am sure u have much better things to do than run around looking for dads stash of booze and there is always a stash. this is a disease and it only get worse never better , I strongly suggest u find al anon for yourself u need support and people who truly understand how yur feeling . U will learn to detach with love and let him go where he needs to go , you cannot stop him from drinking your simply not that powerful . he will drink til he's done . period Alcoholics in recovery call this a cunning baffling and powerful disease , which explains your fathers behavior . he is only do what drinkers do , surviving . Please find support for yourself and enjoy your life the way it was meant to be . goodluck Louise
