The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sorry in advance if my first post here is too long or confusing but I'm under alot of stress right now.
I've been living with my girlfriend and her 3 kids for about 7 months now. I have a son I get on the weekends too. We've been in a relationship about 3 years. Her kids love me like a father and my son loves her kids so getting a house together seemed like the right thing to do......
Here's the problem.....
Since moving in with her I've realized that she has a bad marijuana and pain pill addiction. So bad that since moving in together I've had to carry the whole load - paying all the bills, cleaning, and caring for the kids. It's like everytime we take one step forward, her addiction takes us two steps back. And it's all on me to "save the day".
I've now grown to hate her and want out. Why? Because of her 100% denial about her problem. Because her addiction has screwed us and me up financially. Because everyday I don't know what to expect from her. Because of her lies and irresponsibility.
But the biggest reason I hate her is because my family and her family thinks she's the greatest thing in the world. On almost a daily basis she lies to her family and mine and takes credit for all my hard work. Like she doesn't just lay around all day high - and they all believe her. Even believe her lies and give her money to get high with. Then look at me like I'm some sort of bad guy or crazy for wanting to leave her.
I've tried and tried to explain the situation to my family and hers. But what do you do when everybody you trust tells you that you are "over reacting", "whining", or "crazy"? My family is all I got and since she's gotten so close to them. It really feels like if I leave her I'll loose them.
What do you do when everybody you love, your mother, aunts, sister, friends. People that raised you - people whose opinions you always trusted. The only people you thought you could depend on. Won't listen. And are morally, emotionally, and financially supporting the bad habits of the person you are in a relationship with.
Breath first. You are not alone. Learn all you can about addictions. Take care of yourself maybe thru 12 step meetings like Alanon. The diseases (in my case with my AHsober it is alcoholism) are cunning, baffling and insidious as they tell us in the literature.
In my case, my AHsober (we are separated) spent alot of time "politicking" with my family and friends. How bad I was and how good and helpful he was. And they bought into it. Particularly my mother. It sounds like you confronted your family and that is about all you can do. I think everyone is now figuring it out. I have had to straight out ask them for support. He left everything and won't come out the hero on this one. I am going to confront my mother and tell her that she can't have it both ways. She may have to choose between him and me.
We are truly powerless and that why we need to ask for help from 12 step groups and our own higher power.
The A who I was with for 7 years put on a great "show" for others. I believe this is part of their disease. My family of origin does much the same.
The issue is for us to take care of ourselves. I don't say that in a way to say pack up your stuff right now and go. I say it in coming to terms with how you got there. I also say it in terms of how to get through a day with someone who is triggering lots of emotion in you.
The tools of alanon are very helpful. Toby Rice Drew has written a great book on how to work around an A. How to work on what you can and can't do. Obviously if you are staying in a house you dont' suddenly stop paying rent. But what can you stop picking up that she could provide without world war III erupting.
I paid lots of bills for the A for years. I stopped paying some of them. That was pretty hard. I had to come here and talk about them. One of the bills was the phone bill and at that time I was dependent on the internet for support and care and rapport. Not paying that bill was hard. I used to have a fit about it, pay it, then resent him. I paid a price for that in terms of energy.
I stopped looking to him to be different. That was also hard. In alanon we call that going to the butchers to buy bread.
This is a great group of people where you can learn really important skills, detachment, focusing on yourself, focusing on what is coming up for you and how to manage it. Eventually you will get to the point where you can see what brought you into this relationship and grow from it.
I have been here a few years now. This is my home, this is my solace this is my family of care. Welcome.
First of all welcome, second you are not alone. What do to, get to meetings as soon as you can. Naranon meetings will help you in your particular situation. If there aren't any in your area. Get to an Alanon meeting. Let them know you are new, members know how to take it from there.
You may feel like you are in crisis mode and so you want a quick fix. I'm sorry to say, there isn't one. You begin by starting to take good care of you. Find those of us who understand as perhaps few others can. Family members are often too close to the situation to realize what's truly going on. We often say "there is a big pink elephant in the room but no one claims to see it" then we feel like maybe we are the crazy ones.
Read others posts here, there's so much collective experience, strength and hope in others shares.
Keep coming, it's a slow, gentle process. The journey of 1,000 miles begins with but a single step. Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thanks. And I must say that I'm amazed at this forum and the responses I got. Sorry for the slow response but I've been clicking around and reading peoples posts and replies. There's alot here I can relate to.
Well tonight I basically shut down. The kids are still up running wild at almost 3 am. The house is a mess. The kids are a mess. Past due bills in the mailbox. The sink and the toilet is stopped up for some reason. Nobody has ate. And I noticed earlier we are out of necessities like toilet paper and soap.
I worked 10 hours today from 10am to 8pm. She's been home all day. I left money for food, gas, and whatever the kids needed. Her tank is on "E" and all the kids said they have ate all day is little debbie snack cakes. She's basically has been laying on the couch since I got home.
I think I'm having a nervous breakdown or something. Usually I would run around here and get everything back in order. Tell the kids what to do. Run to the store. Cook them food. Clean up. Fix whatever needs to be fixed. Re-do the budget. Then listen to HER ramble on about how tired SHE is from doing.....uh...hmmm......absolutely nothing.
Well, I look forward to participating in this forum. And focusing more on ME and what I need.
That hate is toxic resentment. Its formed by taking it all on and rescuing, fixing, jumping in, etc. In al anon we look at our own addiction and disease: the alcoholic/addict in our lives. We are addicted to the addict- to saving them, to helping them, to fixing them, to "making them happy".
Please try to find an al-anon meeting in your area.
She has a very serious disease. Pain meds are HIGHLY addictive...and so very dangerous and hard on your body. In al-anon we have the 3 c's: you cannot control or cure her. You also did not cause her to be this way. Detachment is highly recommended.
I am sending you prayers and positive thoughts right now- hang in there, so many of us know exactly what you are talking about and have sorted things out- YOU WILL TOO! Hugs, J.
Welcome, offtop - you're in the right place. If you can get to some face-2-face meetings, that would be good, too.
Because of your work hours, etc., it helped me to go to Open AA meetings to. AA has more flexible meeting times. Of course, please stay on here. You're not alone - now you have US.
There are many good books. They're grouped together in all large bookstores and can also be ordered online. Toby Rice Drew's Getting Them Sober books were a life-saver for me. She teaches on how to cope with alcoholism and how not to enable the A.
You've been given great suggestions and info with the above posts. Please keep on taking good care of the children. Enjoy your kids. They're much more important than how quickly the housework gets done. So.....easy does it.
First - you've come to a great place for strength and understanding; second, you are NOT alone. I've been where you are and done what you've done, and it's exhausting. Living with an addict is the most stressful lifestyle anyone can endure. Start by patting yourself on the back, you're doing great! And, by coming here, you've finally done something just for you. And you deserve to.
For me, my husband is my addict. And nothing changed in my household until my reactions changed, thanks to the support of Alanon. You will learn that it is OK to take care of your needs, and NOT hers. Learn all you can about detachment and enabling. You will learn to detach, and to stop enabling. Give it time. It is a process, but by reading others stories, you will see many similarities in your own situation that others are dealing with. Take the time to reach out and let other share their strength with you.
You'll do fine, just take it slow. Just keep coming back.
