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Sometimes I think I'm more comfortable living in denial. It is easier to live as if something isn't going on. However, events are forcing me to face things and to be honest i don't like it. My son is an A and well it is getting to were we can't just ignore his problem Well I probably could but my spouse and daughter can't and they are counting on me to back them up. I know in my heart we should do something but I can't. My son is 20yrs old and I know that simply allowing him to continue doing what he is doing is just enabling him. Yet I feel immobilized when it comes to doing something. It was so much easier when it was my spouse many years ago but with my son I find it very difficult.
It is very different when it is one of our children. That "mom" thing kicks in and off we go. My son is also an A/DA and I know all too well about the denial. I was so thrilled when he moved three hours away from us because I didn't have his disease in my face 24/7.
Some of us have lived in denial so long that it's a big comfy chair that we just can't seem to get out of. Going to f2f meetings has helped me tremendously. I have learned how to live my life and let him live his. It's not always easy and when they hurt we hurt but I soon realized once I got into the program that all of my "helping" and "sympathizing" was only hurting him and me more than it was doing either one of us any good. Today I don't give sympathy for the consequenses of his actions, I give him the bottom line when he asks my opinion on something. Very seldom is it what he wants to hear but "It is What It Is".
Another thing I learned how to do was to mind my own business. This relieved some pressure from me and it gave him the dignity to form his own life. Yes he has fallen but he gets back up. How is he doing today? I have absolutely no idea. I know what he tells me but past experiences have taught me to remember when I am talking to him that I am talking to an addict and he is going to tell me what I want to hear. As I have heard often in meetings "If you are talking to someone who is active in their disease and their lips are moving they are lieing to you." This is when I have to remember that I am dealing with two people, my son and the addict. My Son would not do the things the addict does and remembering that has helped tremendously with the resentments and my attitude towards him.
Someone told me recently that just because I gave birth to him doesn't mean that I have to baby him his entire life. There comes a point in which I have to turn him over to my higher power and let the two of them work things out. Obviously what I had been doing wasn't working so there had to be another answer and it wasn't me.
I have a speaker tape in which the lady talks about how she ran all over the place digging her kids out of holes, cleaning them up and making them presentable for the world. After she had been in Al-Anon for a few years she realized that she had never heard an AA speaker tell his story and say "I was saved by my momma". It was at this point that I knew I had to turn loose of my son because this was one time that I simply could not save him. It wasn't easy but I did it and we are both better off for it.
Good luck and keep coming back. It will take time but you will get there. In recovery, Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I can relate. My 23 y.o. son concerns me. I am very close to my son and it breaks my heart. There hasn't been an episode recently .... but, I know the disease well. I expect it will rear its ugly head sooner or later, since he won't seek treatment/recovery. He sounds exactly like my AH did when he was in his twenties... telling me that certain things are harmless and "normal"... like, drinking beer or smoking pot.
I like to think that I now accept that he is on his OWN journey. Maybe he will become an addict or alcoholic. I do know this..... there is nothing I can do to stop it. I tried with my husband. I am totally and completely powerless.
Best thing for me to do.... get out of God's way. Let him feel the pain of making his mistakes. The sooner he hits bottom, the sooner he (may) choose recovery. But if I keep catching him, it's not going to happen. So, we have to get out of the way.
It is my experience... my OWN recovery is having a powerful effect in my relationships with my children. The program says that changed attitudes can aid recovery, so.... my goal is to keep working the program.
Blessings
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I don't share your particular situation;however, I learned in Alanon that "we are only as sick as our secrets" physically, spiritually and emotionally. As long as the family keeps the secret in tact (as your spouse and daughter) requested of you, no one has to make any changes. I know my family secrets darn near killed me.
If you haven't yet, get to an Alanon meeting. You don't have to tell anyone you are going and can go further from home to protect all's anonymity. It will help you to decipher between what you should do and what you should not do.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
sure denial is a real ball if you truly enjoy feeling like an idiot and a phoney! The thing about denial is that there is always this small nagging piece that KNOWS its denial and not just some total brain collapse!!
MLK was right: the truth SHALL set us free, my friend. Hugs, J.
My sponsor recently told me, "You can feel it now or you can feel it later."
Only a few years ago, I believed (part of me believed) my life was perfect. In my denial, I believed we were the perfect family... a large home in a prestigious n'hood, luxury cars, academically successful kids reflecting on me nicely I believed.... But, every night, I had to have a margarita!!!!!! And, I was taking anti-depressants. Secretly, I wanted to die. Deep down, I was miserable.
My next door n'bors currently look like everything is perfect, and they will tell you that it is!! They tell you how wonderful everything is, then they ask if you wanna sit and share a bottle of wine with them. Been there, done that.
Feel it now, or feel it later.....
I'm feeling it. My HP has me right where He wants me.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I can so relate to you. It is not easy having a child who is an abuser. Been there done that. I found denial much easier too because facing reality meant that I had to do something. I was a big time enabler. I thought I was giving support to my son. Not true. I really think if I had not found al-anon I would not have a son right now. I worried about things like... what would people think? Well these people knew anyway even if I tried to make everything look perfect. Be gentle w/yourself and let go and let God. It is so freeing.
Going through something similar too. My adult daughter who is on and off with using drugs moved out recently and I could no longer attempt to control it. After several months I realized, I couldn't control it anyways.
The tough thing is as parents we believe our first priority is to take care of our children. When they make poor choices, it is difficult to step aside.
