The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In my detachment from my soon-to-be-ex sober AH, I have learned to just stay silent and walk away when he says something unpleasant. I have now decided that this doesn't always work for me, as it makes me feel resentful and inferior, just adds to my list of "things unsaid".
I worked my tail off all day cleaning windows and doing yardwork. My 14 yr old son helped some and was to be picked up at 4:30 to go to the movies with his dad. When he drove up, my son was helping me adjust the sprinklers in an attempt to get the water spray even. We were doing just fine. AH gets out of his truck and begins to help, which was nice. The sprinklers were on and then went off before we were done, so first I went in to turn them back on and then son came to help. We fiddled with it and couldn't figure it out. I could see AH getting impatient at the door. Finally, son gives up and I am still standing in front of the unit. As I move away, AH saracastically says something like, "I can fix it, if I can just get to it". Ooh, that made me mad! I started to walk away and then just decided that such a comment was completely unacceptable to me. So I went back and said, "FYI, there are nicer ways of communicating, such as please move so I can do it" and then I started to walk away. He was dumbfounded, asking what he said that was so offensive. So, I repeated what he said, and he apologized saying he didn't realize what he said. Whatever.
I found it strange that I was so irritated and mad, in that this offense was so minor in comparison to everything else, but I was because it was the same 'ol thing, ya know? He ened up fixing the sprinklers and I was trimming a plant. Do you know he actually came up to me and apologized again stating that he was frustrated and just wanted to fix it, and that it had nothing to do with me? I didn't look at him, but I said thank you, nothing more. I know that was the truth. It was all about him.
Detaching, but keeping boundaries and taking care of oneself is certainly a learning process. Strike one up for me.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 21:17, 2008-07-20
-- Edited by Loupiness at 22:09, 2008-07-20
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Ok, I'm gonna give you three points for tha! One for not responding immediatly with a snide comment, one for responding and standing up for yourself and showing him how to treat you and one for not engaging with his "I'm sorry but......it's really all about me and MY frustration and what I want to do and when I want to do it and YOU just happened to be in the way....no REALLY I am sorry.....that you took what I said the wrong way..." Maybe you get double points for that one!!!
Everything has changed in your relationship and now you get a chance to teach him how you will be treated from here on in. There's a positive!
Great handling of the situation at hand. With the choices of walk away or say what I mean but don't say it mean, it is easier at first to just practice walking away. But as we understand the program a little bit more we can apply several slogans all at one time. (: Wowsers!
You used both of those above plus one I still need to practice over and over before I open my mouth. It's THINK! You did that one too and what a great exchange!!
You are doing well Lou!
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Way to go!! You handled the situation just right. You let him know how you wanted to be treated in a matter of fact way and kept your cool while doing it.
Congrats and Kudos to you!!!
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Maybe you get double points for that one!!!
