The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As a brand new member, I am looking for some advice. I am sure there are others out there like me.
My 19 year old daughter has been using drugs on and off for a year. She has tried to be clean at least 4 x that I am aware of. She has completed one inpatient rehabilitation program and used again within a month after finishing that. She has recently moved out of my house. Even though she is not still living with me, I am plagued with grief. How far can you help without enabling?
Will Al-anon meetings help me?
I am SOOOOO embarrassed to talk about this and admit "my daughter uses"
Please don't be embarassed. As you can see by this board, you are so not alone. As I began to understand the disease of alcoholism, I realized that there isn't a family I know that is not plagued by either alcoholism directly or the "effects" of alcoholism by some other family member or friend.
Yes, absolutely, you qualify and yes, absolutely, meetings will help you dramatically. Alanon suggests you try 6 different meetings to see if Alanon is for you. The reason we do this is because sometimes we attend a meeting and that meeting in particular is not for us. But by attending six different meetings, we eventually find one that is our "home" group. Alanon saved my sanity without a doubt.
I don't share your particular situation in that my A is not my daughter but many, many here do have children. I think it's wonderful that you have not given up on your daughter and keep getting her treatment if she's willing. The bottom line is she is the one who has to decide to stop drinking. Sometimes it takes a few attempts for them to stop drinking and hitting their bottom by having no one do the things for them that they can do for themselves (enabling).
I just wanted to welcome you to Miracles in Progress. We have online meetings here too.
love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thank you for reaching out. As I reread my post, I realized most of all -- I am worried that she will die. She has used what I consider to be heavy-duty drugs and I realize I can't control this especially less now that she is out of my house. I think she wants to get well, but she also has hereditary psychological issues to deal with that also hinder that progress.
As I try to find the optism in every situation, I realize I am grateful that I had some exposure to Al-anon as a child. While I am embarrassed because I thought this kind of thing would never happen to a responsible parent that loved their child, I guess it is time to stop thinking it will stop and go find a meeting. Maybe this forum will bridge the difficulty by providing anoniminity. (I am sure that can't be spelled correctly)
The journey of discovery that I was married to an alcoholic and drug addict was humbling, to say the least. It's nothing I grew up with, nor was even exposed to. My husband was that wholesome, boy-next-door (or so I thought in my years of denial). His addictions wrecked what I always wanted, thought I had, and what our family was perceived to be.
It's been a year and a half since he has been "outed". (oh, and my brother's issues with alcohol/drugs appeared in this time period, too) My soon-to-be ex is now in a very tight recovery program. The details I know only because he has told me, and the programs impact his time with our kids, so he keeps me in the loop in that regard. I've talked to a handful of friends about it, only those I trust and feel love us. I still don't acknowledge it in public, mainly because we own a business and he has a very public image, but also, really, it isn't anyone's business.
I have three children. I am sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine the grief you feel, and just pray that I don't experience it myself someday. I know there are no guarantees. As parents we are supposed to love and protect our children, and to detach and not enable goes against what is natural for us.
Everytime I am in an al-anon meeting and I feel reserved or embarrassed to share, those feelings dissipate as others share and I am gently reminded that although the characters in our stories are different, the pain is the same. I encourage you to start going to meetings and just listen. You don't need to share if you don't want to. I have been to some meetings where the majority of people there are parents struggling with thier kids' addictions. You are not alone, that is for sure.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 15:43, 2008-07-20
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
HUGS to you!!! When I read your post, I so related to those terrible feelings of helplessness and fear. Feel free to click my profile and read some of my postings. I, myself gave birth to 4 children and also raised a grandaughter as my own since a baby. My childrens father was an alcoholic and drug dealer. I stayed with him for 19 yrs before getting divorced. My oldest son is now diagnosed with bi-polar/schizo effective--will not take meds, but will drink and/or smoke pot if he is around it; my oldest daughter is a diabetic (as her father was), has hepatitis C and is an alcoholic; my next daughter is an alcoholic and drug user; my youngest son in prison; my dear daughter (grandaughter) is 19 and drinking. She has many additive qualities other than drinking. I cannot change any of these situations; my heart aches as only a mothers' can. Al=Anon and the 12 steps and principles have saved my life ..literally!!! I crawled into the doors of Al-Anon after my sister committed suicide ready to do the same thing. ONLY by the principles I have learned in this program and the grace of my God, can I life one day at a time .... I don't know what the future holds; but I DO know following these steps in order I am surviving and not a total mental case as I have been before. Glad you are here, and just want you to know you are not alone!!! Please keep coming back..... YOU are worth it!!!!!
It is so encouraging to hear from others who are in similar situations. I am limited in getting to a meeting because I work more than full time and have a toddler in addition to the adult daughter who is using.
I am going to make it a priority to find a way. Are there Al-anon meetings specific to narcotics anonymous?
if you search "narcotics anonymous" you will find that there is a lot of information and you will also then get a directory of places that hold meetings and self help groups.
I am in England and so I cannot direct you to a meeting/self help group as I do not know where you are and if you are in America/Canada then it will be easier for you to find the nearest one for you via the web.
In the meantime, I want you to know that both my son and my daughter were drug users. Both have turned out well even though my relationship with my daughter is still very rocky to say the least. Others on this board would confirm this from my previous posts.
However, my heart went out to you, I so understand about the worry that you have for your daughter. No one wants their children to die, and certainly not before their time as a result of drink or illegal substances which bring misery, pain and distress to so many who are close to them.
I will hold you in my prayers and hope that you find a meeting nearby that you are able to attend, in the meantime, keep coming back here for this family of miracles is generous, caring, supportive, loving, full of wisdom, comfort, knowledge and understanding.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Mommaceda just started here myself and you have had lovely support here. You are not alone with your fears and now I know that I am not either... we have to take whatever strength we can from this. Fragile little baby steps i guess.
Just wondering how you are going. I have started "telling" my family and it's quite a relief. My son is moving to his father's shortly which has never worked or lasted long before but I'm hoping that now there are no more secrets things might be different.... and it is very hard to "hand over" to someone else. I understand your grief, and mourn that our children are so unhappy, to see them substance affected, not looking after themselves, see them how others must look at them, is heartbreaking and destroying.
I hope you are getting some support somewhere and like me never give up hope for our beautiful children.
