The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got an apartment, after years of living in an abusive A situation with my husband of almost 8 years. We've been together 11, and then some. He's been yelling he wanted a divorce for years. I withdrew $$$ from my 401K to get a new car after I totaled my other one. I got an apartment, I paid to have all my stuff moved. I bought myself a new computer after he hid my other one. I have worked my butt off trying to get thru this, while he just went his merry drinking way. I have been hurting for years. Finally found Alanon a while back, but was still in a lot of pain. Taking pills to get thru the day, to sleep at night. Always a nervous wreck. I did not want to move, but he left me no choice. At the end he was telling me to Get the Hell Out. So, I did. I spent the first week crying and puking. The second week was a little better. Now I am going on the 3rd week (It will be 3 weeks Tuesday). I feel like I am finally healing after so much sorrow. He has tried to stop drinking with a couple of meetings, not really getting into it much. Of course, it only lasted a few days at most. He's only attempted this a couple of times. NOW, today, I get a text message....I miss you. If I stop drinking will you come home? OMG! That is so crazy. The thing is, after all his drinking, and internet chatroom and god-knows-what-all sex, and denying me the love of a husband, NOW he's getting lonely. OMG! Well, I am going to a Diamond Rio (country group) concert tonight in town with some friends. After that shock, I need some time to recuperate. I did send him an email, told him I wished him all the best, but I needed time for myself. And I didn't know if I could ever live with him again. He always left me, for days or weeks at a time. When I moved, I thought I would die, leaving my home. Now I am better. The pain is getting less and less. I'm gonna need a whole lotta meetings. Yes, I am. Love in Recovery, Becky1
PS- Let me mention that even tho he left me time after time after time, and I have had to file 2 restraining orders on him because he was acting crazy, this is the FIRST and hopefully the LAST time I leave. I never left before cos I knew I couldn't stay gone. I had to wait until the pain got so bad, it was either leave, and save myself (and maybe him) or lay down and die. I certainly didn't do either one of us any favors by staying.
Also, an hour after the first text, which I didn't answer, I got another from him saying "Just forget it". Ha! Really serious, isn't he. He never even said "I love You", just "I miss you." Well, I bet he does cos now he has to face himself every day, doesn't have me there as a "sounding board" or scapegoat. I care about him, I miss him (well, the way he used to be, before things got bad) but I cannot see myself moving back into that situation. I don't even know at this point what it would take for me to move back. I'm sad, but happy, lonely but grateful....you know?
I'm new here and am planning to go to my first meeting this coming Tuesday. Wow, you've been through so much but you are totally inspiring- you took charge and took control of your life and put yourself first as you should. It's so hard to deal with the irrational things that an A will say like your ah and my ah...and they always want you back once you leave, don't they?...I'm glad that you are feeling a little better each day...Enjoy your Diamond Rio concert- I saw them once at a county fair and they were great! Chase
Hello Becky funny how we become more attractive when were not available sheeeeesh , if he is serious about stopping great !! I pay little attention to what people say I watch what they do . enjoy your time alone work on you - and if u can give this relationship to God he is the only one that can fix it. Nothing ever works for me til I quit trying and allow myself to just be. in other words I let the big guy make the decissions today . good luck Louise
I can very much relate to your situation. My A always wanted me back after a breakup and would promise to stop drinking. Usually after a few weeks we were back together. He would either stop for a few days or cut down. It never took him long to go right back to where he was before. It does take time to heal and I wish you the best. Living alone after so many years is a big change and it will get better. Take care of you and if A is serious about quitting then he will on his own which I know is hard.
Here's a big "ATTA Girl" for taking the steps that are right for you. Take it one day at a time and enjoy that concert!
I can relate to your situation very well.
I want to share a few things regarding my past situation; perhaps it will be of help and/or inspiration to others: I, too, had a AH who would tell me to "move out" or "I want a divorce." Well, last July, I did move out and filed for a divorce. Like you, I moved into an apartment. (Big step for me! I married at 19 and had never been on my own; I'm now plenty-three years old; that is, 53.)
The first week in the apartment, I cried some. When I did, I grabbed Toby Rice's book "Getting Them Sober" and read until I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing and that I'd make it. By the second week, I really got in the groove (sp?) of apartment living, especially enjoying the fact that I didn't have to witness his drunkenness any longer and all that it entailed. I simply LOVED my apartment days (they lasted 8 months).
My husband pleaded and even sobbed for me to come home. It was tough to listen to him over the phone (I didn't let him know where my apartment was). But I stuck to what I believed was best. He had a breakdown about two weeks after I had left and then went into detox and then a 30-day rehab facility. So far, it's be going well for both of us. We are back together.
Moving out was a scary thing! But I'm glad I did it. I'm hoping that my husband and I can live peacefully and happily "together" for the rest of our lives. However, if we can't, I "know," due to my firsthand experience of living on my own for 8 months, that I CAN do it if needed. I no longer have self-doubt. I'm not fearful of living on my own; I also discovered that I can live in an apartment happily and live with few amentities. I can, and do, take care of me (with or without him). Man, how I hate those songs such as "How can I live without you." Never, never, ever liked those types of songs anyway.
Any who . . . . . . . . Becky, reach out for support and ask your HP for guidance. You can't go wrong!
I am so proud of you! You sound very strong & it is wonderful to be getting your self-esteem back! Enjoy the concert, that sounds like a lot of fun & you deserve it!
Yeah, that is crazy - 'i'll change' and then 'forget it' -geez- I know how horrible it is to wait, looking out the window, I've def BTDT. It sounds like you went through a lot to get disentangled & you can see clearly where the paths lead.
No trade off is worth our peace of mind! Good for you!
much love, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
If you close your eyes, and take a deep breath... maybe you will see the progress!!!!
and now he wants to stop drinking... great! ...does it matter, anymore? i've learned not to have any expectations, extra-especially from people who throw out there what "they think" you want to hear. it is funny how booze fills the loneliness when you are with them, yet, doesn't quite cut it when it is just the 2 of them and their love affair.
i choose to think that maybe our lost loved ones see glimmers of what they had, or what "could have" been... and i bet it hurts them to know they F--=d it up. and it probably hurts bad enough that they need to medicate it... yet, here is hoping that it hurts bad enough for them to look even deeper and make it to the doors of AA/NA/SA/OA or rehab on their own. I think you rock! Keep taking care of Becky! with love and hope, cj
-- Edited by CJ at 17:44, 2008-07-19
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Yeah, mine stopped drinking and decided to take his mental illness seriously for the first time in his life when I asked for a divorce- go figure!!! Well, maybe we just get 'em ready for the next sucker....laughing, hugs, J.
You have shared with us your situation and your plan. I think that it was well thought out. What I have come to learn with my AHsober is that the good intent and the bad are still the disease. I found this in the forum favorites -"My H is freed from having to justify his actions to me & given back the burden of the consequences of his actions. " One day at a time comes to mind. I have been alone for 3 years - this was not my choice. I might have looked at it differently if it had been my idea. However, I cry less and less and have become more and more competent and learning to get those unmet needs from other people. I love him and I miss him but it does neither one of us any good when he is abusive. I am trying to listen to my HP more and more. Hang in there.
ENJOY THE CONCERT!!!! I love em. Going to see a Kenny Chesney Festival this week with Keith Urban, Gary Allen, Lee Ann Rimes, et. al. Exposing myself to happy people singing and dancing the night away. Now that's healthy for me.
Please keep us and your meetings very close by and a priority as you journey on. Remember this disease is cunning and baffling. As abby says above, "don't listen to the words, watch their actions." A's do the absolute bare minimum to get us back into their fold only to relapse and devastate us again because we had hope and expectations.
In AA, members even share "How do you know when an A is lying? It's when their lips are moving."
Take good care of you, learn what a blessing it is to have Becky have everything Becky wants without having to compromise with anyone else. I love that freedom.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
There came a point where not only was it a matter of saving my own life by walking away, but the damage was too great to even entertain the thought of salvaging the marriage.
Like Abbyal said, it's funny how we become attractive when we aren't available.
I am so grateful that today I know who I am, what I want, and that I no longer have to compromise in any shape or form for an active A!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
hi becky you sound like you are about 4 weeks ahead of where i am going. Your story gives me an encouragement and thanks for posting it so i could read it. I wish the best for you and stay strong. mo14
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I dont want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine
You go girl, take all the time you need for yourself. He can wait (if he wants). This is your time to do what is best for you. Maybe we can send Keith Urban over to do a private concert! Enjoy the serenity. You so deserve it. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Oh, send Keith on over....I got the iced tea ready! You know, I've listened to Keith Urban until my ears about bleed. I listen to "Stupid Boy", "You'll Think of Me" and a lot of his other songs, constantly. I am beginning to heal. His music helps me cope. Thanks to all for your beautiful, hope-giving words. Love in Recovery, Becky1
