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My son is 24 yrs. old and he is an alcoholic! I keep falling for it, keep thinking this is it, he's finally serious and has changed even though he hasn't stopped drinking or gone to AA meetings! I keep thinking he's tired of living at friends houses, partying, never having money and being unstable!! Well, he had no job no place to live and I thought this is it, he's tired of all the crap and he's finally going to get serious and get his life back on track! WRONG again!! He promised to get a job and be home every night at 9:00 pm and no drinking. Well he got the job and 3 weeks after he moved in, one night at 10:40 pm I woke up and he wasn't anywhere in the house. Then I hear the garage door open and it was him. I asked him where he was and he said he went to the store to buy an apple and 2 tall beers for his friend. Well it ended up in a big blow up and he was acting so aggressively and I said "let me smell your breath" and sure enough I could smell the alcohol! I told him to leave and don't come back!! He's now living at another friends house and I wonder how long will that last? It's just so hard to see your child have nowhere to live and be homeless. I guess the answer is he's never going to change unless he gets sober and goes to AA meetings! Any advice would be appreciated!!
the only advise..suggestions i could give you is let him go out and do his thing..i feel there is not much you can do...you can make certain suggestions to him but ultimately he will have to come to his own 'bottom' or his own decisions about how to live his life...and hopefully he will get help
i feel for you..i am a child of an alcoholic and i have had my days with drugs and drink myself
in times of need my mother was there for me but ultimately i had to get to a place in my life were i found the help i needed
you need to take care of yourself and not let him drag you down
i am sorry if i am being harsh but my experience tells me that anyone with a drinking and drug problem will appreciate a kind word...some suggestions and love but ultimately they will have to go down the road they are on until something clicks in their own head as to doing the right thing
sorry if my 'advise' isn't complete but this is the first thing to come to mind
much love and light to you...and strength and wisdom
There is nothing wrong with you. You just love your son and want the best for him.
Might I suggest that you try not to project into the future. We live our program one day at a time. That is because none of us knows the future. I know I can get myself into as much trouble projecting good stuff into the future as when I project impending disaster. Ans alcoholic will get help when they are ready. None of us is qualified to say when that will be. When he is ready he also will not need you to jump in and rescue him either. He will turn to spiritual support from people who have been where he is.
So for us in this program our priority is our own well being. We cannot truely be there for them or anyone else the right way, unless we learn to take care or ourselves first.
Keep coming back. Find a face2face meeting. They are so valuable to our program. You are not alone in this.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
First, there is nothing wrong with you! We simply love our children... My 26 year old son is also an alcoholic. He now has 9 months clean, and active in treatment. It was nothing that I did though to get him there accept prayers.
Now I have an 18 year old in even worse condition. I so feel your pain....
I first came here looking for answers to fix my son. It has not happened... But I am beginning to find myself again through the support I have found for me.
Be good to yourself! Hugs & Prayers for you and your son.
I remember lying there and waiting until 3AM in the morning until my 19 year old alcoholic addict son returned home with my car that I let him and then getting my "Al-Anon handshake" (wagging finger right under his nose) while I read him the riot act in a foreign language neither he or I could understand. Why was I so ticked off? Because I made the wrong decision, thought that he would wreck the car, himself and me financially. The wrong decision was lending an alcoholic/addict my car. I always carried resentments around left over from earlier years and other alcoholic/addicts so there was no way he could escape the anger. Later when I calmed down and talked with others and my sponsor I could put a plan togther that resulted in placing both my son and I into the palms of HP. It worked for us both. Although he continued to drink and use for a while and have an unexpected (huh??) child with his girlfriend who also came from a ragingly large alcoholic family, they eventually amended parts of their lives using his religion and not AA or NA. There is tons of stuff they haven't experienced and that is from my hope for them. HP knows what my hope is and what the programs have done for my life. Still all the fears I had back then went away when I turned him/them over to my HP.
Your son is human and at times the pain of abusing will push him toward stopping. I pray that if and when that happens for (you and) your son he will find himself face to face with a recovering person who will make it more difficult to continue going back out.
HP's will is that he be clean, sober and of use to other alcoholic/addicts. I pray that HP's will prevails.
The toughest job you will ever love -- motherhood! I have learned that it's a life sentence filled with joy and pain, trials and tribulations. My 3 are young adults in their early 20's and I still worry about them.
I hope the below helps you hon. I don't have personal experience with what you are experiencing but I do know these two programs (AA and Alanon) work.
yours in recovery, Maria
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I am an alcoholic, I need your help. Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself.
I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.
My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.
Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily and you know it.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.
I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.
Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you. Your Alcoholic
Source: Unknown
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thank you for your post Maria. It took me back into my past when the A was still active and everything sounded so familiar. Every sentence is so true. Thank you.
I want to thank you for that poem it really hit home for me. I'm going to keep it close at hand and just read it over and over to give me strenght and wisdom!!
Roxy, when my son at age 22 was doing nothing, not even drugs, I held the door open for him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. (I had sent him off to survival backpacking becuz of the drugs, proudly he made it thru and cont. to)
And guess what? He found out he was a man.He learned what his strengths were.
He found friends to stay with until he got it all together. He grew and grew until today he is a lead man for a remodel construction company and an extremely valuable employee.
I learned as a very protective, good mother, that I had to push him out of the nest.
Was not afraid to voice what was wrong when people woul ask what is wrong. I had strangers,men saying I did the right thing.
phew. How are they going to find their own way if they are not given the chance to try their own power, knowledge, morals, survival, characteristics?
Hey it is hard to all of a sudden have to let them go when we have been keeping them close and out of harm for so long. Horribly hard. My son kept up with checking in. he even just started again so I would feel better!! (O: I told him I cannot help it, I am still your mom. I did not change,he did.
Same with my totally independant daughter. Though I could not have kept her home with handcuffs!! haha
You are doing fine!! It is healthy that you are questioning,and really paying attention. You are a good mom.
I have this song on my IPod by Josh Groban called "Let Me Fall" and I listen to it sometimes when I am walking. It's beautiful! The lyrics say, let me fall and I will be caught by the person I am turning into. Not exactly verbatim, but that's the gist of it. I think that in the best of intentions, when we refuse to let ourselves or our loved ones "fall" we are acting on the belief that the person waiting to be will not "catch" us, but that we will just "fall." This falling thing, requires a great deal of faith in our HP. I have learned for myself that my efforts to fix, save or otherwise handle a situation really never work, at least not in the long run. It's been the hardest thing to learn to trust my HP. I have to re-learn it minute by minute at this point. Take it easy, Roxy, and do the pmost powerful thing you really can--trust and pray. Nothing is wrong with you, hunny, you ought to hear my story. You would think you were a genius! With love, M'haha
