"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Totally Heartbroken · Newbie

Intervention success?

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Well intervention isn't your only option. Detaching helps and then looking at what the other options are.

A lot of alcoholics dont' go straight to the bottom, they plateau. The A who I was with for years plateaued all the time.

Then a number of stressors hit him and he went for the bottom.

YOu can explore your options here, they may be many.

I wouldn't assume anything about what might happen. Thats where I get into trouble in stepping in. Doing what I can is really my bottom line these days. I assumed the A would fall down long before he did, he plateaued, got better, plateaued again and more.

Being in al anon can really help you no matter what happens in your life. You can use the tools but they take practice and then some more practice. YOu will also have somewhere to go with your pain.

Think about staying here for a while, going to a meeting maybe and then review your options.

Maresie.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi... welcome, and I think most of us can relate to your story and predicament.... I would encourage you to educate yourself on this stuff LOTS before going the route of intervention..... Try reading books - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews is the best one out there, in my opinion....

Your questions are all centered around what you can do for him.... The more important and relevant question is what you can do for YOU.

Take care
Tom

stormie · Senior Member

My husband's family decided intervention was needed. So his mother and 3 brothers came over one day to greet him after his workday and intervene. It didn't work. More than anything, it irritated him. I was not part of the intervention because I knew they had no idea what alcoholism is all about. Why? They didn't educate themselves for one thing.

So like canadianguy suggest: educate yourself. Toby Rice's book helped me a great deal, along with others. I also read a lot of on-line materials ~ some reputable, some not, you have to be discerning.

In addition, canadianguy points out that your post is primarily focusing on what you can do for your husband. I understand where you are coming from. I once was there, too. Eventually, sooner or later, hopefully very soon, you will have a "lightbulb" moment and realize that you can't fix him. That's his job. I also understand how frustrating this might be to read. I felt deep frustration when I realized that I couldn't do anything for him but take care of myself.

I began to start taking care of myself; not easy to do since I was in the habit of trying to fix him and everything else I deemed was wrong. But again, I began to take baby steps towards taking care of myself; defining and upholding boundaries; reminding myself that he was not drinking because of me, even though he swore that he drank because of me. When I began to consistently take care of myself and stopped blaming myself for his drinking, that is when things got better for me, my husband, for us, and everyone who is part of our lives.

There is hope, even though I realize you feel hopeless. Change can take place, change for the better. Change has to begin with you, not your husband.

You are headed in the right direction; do not doubt yourself. Have faith. Have hope.

-- Edited by stormie at 12:45, 2008-07-18

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

((Totally Heartbroken)) I notice you have been a member of MIP since Nov. 07, I hope you have been coming to MIP on a regular basic,and reading others posts. If so I am sure you realize that it is hard to find something to take the place of f2f meetings. Most all of the members on this board have found the help and friendship they needed at f2f meetings. Why not try several f2f meetings, where you will also be able to obtain books and other free litature that will help you. I attended my first meeting to solve all my problems, and find out how to make my A stop drinking, I did'nt accomplish that, but I did find a new family that understood what I was going through,that cared, that I could share my concerns with, and pick up the phone and call anytime I needed to talk to someone. That was two years ago and they are still there for me. You made a great first step in coming here, now make the second step, put all the focus on yourself and what the Al-Anon Program can do for you. We all take different paths to recovery, but if we work the program we all end up with the same results, serenity in our lives, and that is a much better place to be than where you are now, we have all been there. (((HUGS))) RLC

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Totally Heartbroken,

I am glad you are here. The others have said what I think, so I just want to add my assurance that your life can get better. Your AH may not stop drinking, or he may follow you into recovery. The most important thing is that you keep coming back and work on getting yourself better.

This is a good place to start and the next step would be face2face meetings where you can get lots of good stuff to read and experience from people who can give you real hugs and phone calls to walk you into your own recovery from this cunning baffling and powerful disease.

In recovery,

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Totally Heartbroken!!

Good to hear from you as you start reaching your bottom. We all know what
that feels like, the confusion and fear and sense of dread and mostly the fear.
I knew fear best when I got to the rooms of Al-Anon and learned that the
disease runs best from that emotion. But I got here and stuck and today
there is and never will be a "for sale" sign on my recovery.

Interventions (professional ones) are very expensive and give no guarantee.
The intervensionist knows what has the power in the group of assembled
family and friends and also knows that regardless of his fee he cannot give
a guarantee that the addicted will seek rehabilitation/recovery or that even
if they did that there will be a guarantee given there either. His family got
exactly what their "shotgun" intervention usually results in...how many times
did I attempt this style of intervention with my alcoholic and it never worked.
Her mother wanted me to stop her from drinking and in the end it took a
power greater than myself and a time I could never select for my alcoholic
wife to seek sobriety.

The suggestion was to take your focus off of him and put it on yourself and
get to face to face meetings. I've been around the program for a while and
I can only suggest what worked for me and for others before me and for those
who offered it to you just now...get to face to face Al-Anon meeting as very
soon as you can. There is a chair already waiting for you. Get as much
literature as you can, "So you love and alcoholic", "Alcoholism, a merry-go-
round called denial", "Denial", "Detachment", "Alcoholism and the Family" just
to mention a very few and not including the works we read almost daily. The
value of the meeting is in the others that you sit with face to face and who
talk about how it was, what they came to learn in Al-Anon, and how it is today.

People there talk about miracles, some you'd find difficult to believe and yours
are waiting and you need to get there to get them.

Keep coming back here (((((hugs))))) smile

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is that interventions do not work. I have participated in a few- both professional and more informal. For me, the only real interventionist is HP...the alcoholic has to arrive at the place where he/she wants, needs and deeply desires change. Not only the alcoholic- any one of US!

Several have recommended that you return your focus to YOU and the best way to do this is to attend al-anon meetings from 2-4 times per week, like clockwork, no questions asked, just do it! Hugs, J.

SLS · Senior Member

Here is my E, S & Hope:

In our situation, the intervention worked by the grace of our HP. But, we had each reached our own individual bottoms, I had taken steps to protect myself and I had given my AH over to his family to deal with (both figuratively and literally). Even though I had not yet started Al-Anon and I really didn't know much about alcoholism, I finally realized that I had to save myself and by doing so, I got out of the way and allow the miracle to take place.

In doing so, I had to decide my own course of action regardless of whether or not he took the help that was being offered to him. I didn't do it to save my marriage or even to save him. I just realized on some level that all the things that I had done for him had failed and it was time to give him up--I suppose I took the 1st step without even realizing it.

I was not a part of the intervention. His family and my mother confronted him at home when he arrived back after a weekend trip out-of-state. I knew enough to know that it couldn't be about me. Looking back, he says he knew he was done and needed help by the time he walked through the door. However, I don't know if he would have taken the steps to get healthy in the absence of that group of folks waiting for him.

Also, once he took that first step, it had to be all about him. He had to decide what he wanted to do for him. I filed for divorce, got a restraining order and when I visited him in detox, I took him information about local rehab centers and told him that it was his decision what to do, but he was not coming home.

He decided to go to rehab and the road to recovery for both of us started. It has been a long and difficult road, but we have each been blessed with miracles along the way. He has been sober over 3 years and is very active in recovery. I am very active in Al-Anon and work hard to keep the focus on myself. We are, however, still separated. Our HP is working miracles in our relationship too, but it takes time and it does not always happen as fast as I would like it to. But, I realized along the way that I do not want it if it is not what is supposed to be. So, I take each day as it comes, do the footwork of my own recovery program, and trust that my HP will lead me to where I need to be.

Yours in recovery,

SLS

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

according to AA members that i have talked to interventions rarley work , for one thing they take months to prepare for with a councelor and family members if there is one weak link a family member who caves durring the procedure the diseae wins . I don''t know if yur attending meetings for yourself ,if not I hope that u will consider finding Al-Anon meetings . You need support from people who have been where yur at and can share what worked for them . You cannot fight this disease alone nor do u have too . Ultimatums rarley work as most of us do't carry thru with our threats . stop or I am leaving eg. As has already been said here instead of figureing out how to help him , help yourself . you cannot help anyone who dosent want help .Leave his disease with him where it belongs and get the focus back on yourself . Louise

AJ · Veteran Member

Dear TH:

My AH went through an intervention May '07 and didn't drink until I went to visit my family out of town during Thanksgiving, then stopped when I returned, and started drinking again in April '08 - and he hasn't stopped drinking. The intervention "worked" because he was taking antibuse which is supposed to make someone violently ill if they drink while taking it. He stopped taking antibuse this past April - even though I begged him to refill it. We separated May 16th and are still apart. I'm encouraging him to check into a rehab, but he cannot return home until he has some documented long-term sobriety under his belt. I can honestly say that I look at him as someone who is suffering a terrible disease - I feel compassion for him, but do not feel responsible for his actions, decisions, consequences, etc. His not being at home is the best thing I've done for myself in years! Standing my ground and respecting myself is empowering.

I've turned the focus on me by attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings - it has helped me tremendously! Al-Anon has been my saving grace. I've taken the focus off of the alcoholic and put it on the only person I can control - myself. I pray a lot and trust that my HP will take care of the situation.

My heart goes out to you. We've all been there and know how you feel. Take good care of yourself and everything else will fall into place. Ask your HP (God) to handle the situation - he certainly can and will if you let him.

Thanks! AJ

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"