The material presented
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level.
I've been wondering lately where that fine line between detachment with love and taking care of someone you love lies. I know not to take care of things he can obviously do on his own: like getting up in the morning, cooking, making appointments things like that. But I guess I'm having difficulty with the "role" of "housewife". Because, until I get a job, that's what I am. I take care of the house cleaning and cooking dinner. I don't have a problem with doing those things, I just have a problem figuring out where "housewife" ends and "control freak" begins. I've never been the stay at home person before. I've never been the one who takes care of the house while the man goes out to work. I've always been the one working AND taking care of the house, the kids, and myself. The men in my past have either professional bums or didn't live with me. Now since the kids have been living with my mom and she takes care of them, I take care of mine and Michael's house. I try to take care of him, but, it's difficult to NOT be "the mom" or the control freak. I know that if it's driving ME nuts it HAS to be bothering him. But he never says anything. Time to read some CAL.
Defining detachment could take days and reams of paper; for me, it not only took months of Face to Face meetings, it took putting what I learned into practice. I am only in control of, and responsible for, my actions, my behaviors, my reactions, and my happiness.
I've had people that I love deceive and lie to me. What do I do? Initially, I was pissed off and hurt. It took me calling my sponsor and taking the issue to a face to face meeting, so I could get feedback, so I could calm down, and so I could think of how I would respond (not react) to my partner. After calming, I was able to sit down and talk to my partner, openly and honestly - yet, calmly and with love - and tell her that her actions hurt me, and that hurt is not what I want from my partner. My boundary is to have an open, honest relationship... nothing else will suffice. If that is not do-able, then we should look at other options for our life. So, after stating my feelings and boundaries, I let her tell me her feelings (because we are still equal, whether I slip up or she slips up). In hearing her feelings, she expressed fears relating to how I've reacted to certain situations. So although she lied and hurt me, I did have to look to see what MY part in the issue was.
I tell you, talking calmly and giving equal time with OPEN ears, brought the issue to a halt with understanding and love. She knows my boundaries and the consequences of crossing them, and the only other thing I could do is TURN IT OVER to my Higher Power (let go, let God). That way, I was able to get back to serene and happy, instead of fearful and resentful.
Maybe that experience can help... you can take what you want and leave the rest.
As for being a housewife and not knowing your role... I wonder if Jennifer knows what Jennifer wants to be doing? If you think that your roles are not equal, then maybe sit down and hash out what is expected of you and him with all the duties of a household. It is YOUR responsibility to determine what kind of life YOU want to live... noone else can tell you what is best for you.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Coping.org has an excellent worksheet on detachment. It took me a long time to figure this one out as well and I so wish I had of found this website long before I did.
http://coping.org/control/detach.htm
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
It takes me (and I've been program for a while) going to 2 or 3 face to face meetings a week to keep the serenity and happiness that I desire.
If I were your sponsor, I would recommend that you get to AT LEAST that many! All the books and this website CANNOT replace the loving exchange and all the rest of the understanding, love and peace of the program that I get from talking and listening, in person.
Take what you like.... CJ
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I guess one way to detach is to get busy. When I first heard that I couldn't fathom it. I do find it helpful in taking my mind off the "obsession". I am also quite lonely and feel it. I look to a partner to fill that. They can't of course (especially if they have their own issues). I know this year I dated a man who was very lonely his demands on me were way too much. I ran for the hills. I could totally understand his "needs" but he had to own them I could not "do" that for him. Of course I have in the past which is where I am where I am now.
One thing is to look at your needs. I know full well when i'm impoverished, lonely and isolated I just feel one big need. Well brain storm how can you meet your needs. How can you take care of you. What special projects can you get involved in that will fill up some of the time you spend obsessing on him. Get very busy on that. What will it be, putting art on the wall, learning to cook, feed yourself with nuturing things. Feed yourself with contact with others (there re numerous web groups after all). Feed yourself with a job support group online even. Join a book club (on line if need be - I know the price of gas!).
Fill up your time and your need chart and then see how you feel. You'll probably be exhausted but the room to obsess wont' be there!
The Serenity Prayer helped me with detachment. It helped me understand some of the things I needed to detach from.
As far as taking care of the house, The household is not going to run itself. He is very capable of running his own life. So the question is, what is the household and what is his life? The dishes don't do themselves, but he can make his own appointments. The laundry doesnt do itself, but he can set his own alarm clock, or deal with not getting up on time.
Being a housewife also doesn't mean you are a doormat. Just because you do the dishes, doesn't mean that others should leave dirty dishes all over the house, or that others shouldn't put their plate in the sink when they get up from the table. Just because you clean the bathroom doesn't mean others should leave water and towels all over the floor when they are done showering. A housewife takes care of the regular wear and tear type messes of everyday living, but she isn't a servant.
In our house we have a general rule about not making anybodies job harder. I ask that everyone scrape the dishes and put them in the sink, so when I wash them it is easier. I ask that towels be hung to use again after a shower, so I have a little less laundry to do. When I schedule my AH's work, he asks that I try to keep him in one area of town at a time, so he doesn't have to run back and forth across town for every customer. He takes the garbage with him every day, so he asks that I not overload the bags so trash will fall everywhere when he tries to tie it up.
Of course all of that really has nothing to do with detachment, anyway. (I get a little carried off course.) Detachment is really just not getting so emotionally involved in everything that happens around us. It's not taking everything so personal. If he leaves his dishes on the table, its not really about me. It's about him being unable to be a respectful person at the moment. Even if it is a deliberate dig at me, it says nothing about me. It says a lot about him and his unhealthy attitude, and that is none of my concern. I can't change that. It's his business to work on him. I find I need to detach from anything that has me tied up in knots. Even if it is something that is my business, I can step back from it long enough to get some perspective, so I can be active, not reactive.
I hope this helps. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Good question. For me, it's about what the A can and cannot do, physically. He really can't go up and down stairs. Therefore when it comes to doing laundry, he sprays the clothes and folds them when they are done. I ask him to cut up veggies & make the bed. He's good about taking care of the car. He will dust for me because the dust bothers me. I do make sure he takes his meds and I will pick them up. That is the one thing I do that might seem controlling. It's because he's so med sensitive and missing a dose can be more trouble than it's worth.
Would I wake him up if he had a job and was drinking? No because that's his choice to drink or not go to work. I think it comes down to with what you are comfortable with. If you want to split the chores up then do so. I like doing the dishes because it relaxes me. He likes to take care of the patio because he has the green thumb (mine is brown!lol).
Detaching comes along with not enabling. He has choices to make and the consequences that go along with it. It doesn't mean that you don't love the person. It means that you are letting do what they need to do without helping them. It means that they suffer the consequences of those actions. Detaching also helps take the pressure off of you. It is a form of self care. Focus on you and what works for you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Great responses to this thread. Self care really is the most important thing we can do for others - just like they say when you're flying and they give their spiel, Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then attend to others. Focus on yourself and your own needs - love yourself. In doing so we become a role model for the others in our lives. I don't believe that this is selfishness, but it's instead done with compassion.
One of the most challenging things for me to do is to nurture; heck, even to acknowledge, the spiritual needs of my self. I find when I attend to these, through meditation, I am better equipped to handle the challenges of living with my addict in recovery step daughter.
For me when I'm going crazy around people I do have to remind myself they are sick sick sick. I have to see the SSS on their foreheads. I have to detach and then detach and then detach some more. Then I have to check and recheck my expectations. I have to have none of some people and absolutely expect them to continue on being so so dysfunctional. Where I went round the bend with the A was expecting him to change. He did change he got much much worse.
Hi! Here are a few words re: detachment from How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics - a great book by the way. "Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people. When alcoholism causes a change in plans, or sends harsh words or other unacceptable behavior in our direction, we needn't take it any more personally than we would take the flu symptoms. It is the disease rather than the individual that is responsible. By detaching, we can stop being hurt by groundless insults or angered by outrageous lies. We can remember that although alcoholics often surround themselves with crisis, chaos, fear, and pain, we need not play a part in the turmoil. Instead of taking the behavior personally, in time we can learn to say to ourselves "That's just alcoholism," and let it go. It takes time and practice to master detachment."
From Courage to Change - another great book! "Detachment is the freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs."
CJ
