The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After going to a meeting, doing a little reading, taking inventory of my past relationships, and getting a few drunken phone calls this week, I think I'm ready to admit that the people I'm having trouble with currently are in fact alcoholics.
I've also realized that all but one of the people I've been in significant relationships with (and most of my friends over the years as well) have had problems with alcohol, drugs, or a combination of the two.
I don't know how to date a non-drinker, honestly.
I guess there's always been so much drinking/smoking/etc in my social groups that I never realized that the people closest to me tended to have problems with it.
I think I was also scared that if I admitted that these people were/are alcoholics, it would mean I must have a problem as well since I do drink myself. But I guess the difference is, I don't hurt people when I drink.
Just because some people in my life are problem drinkers doesn't mean I don't have a right not to feel guilty about drinking responsibly, right?
So there. I'm admitting and accepting it as a cold hard fact that I have absolutely no control over. It's kinda scary but feels kinda good at the same time.
Perhaps part of this is an overall increased sensitivity in yourself - this is not a bad thing, but an acknowledgment. The thing is, I think there are more people who DO have issues and problems surrounding drinking than DON'T. I am definitely sensitive to noticing these things in people around me - but that's because I'm a recovering alcoholic, and my antennae are completely wired for behaviours, speech, attitudes, everything that indicates that someone has a problem. I don't consider it a bad thing - or even that I seek out people who are like that. Over time and with more years of healthy living, I am making more friends who tend to not drink (and not smoke, either, for that matter). So you might find that just noticing is enough for now - you don't have to do anything to change it. It's just an awareness, and this is because you're maybe looking a little more closely for the "signs". Just accept that this is something that you have noticed.
I don't think it matters if the people in your life are alcoholic or not. What matters is their drinking is affecting you negatively. I come here because I have a problem with someone else's drinking. Just so happens that most of the alcoholics in my life admitted they were alcoholics. But there are a few who don't consider themselves alcoholics and I can't label them alcoholic if they don't label themselves alcoholic. But like I said, it doesn't matter what they admitt to or recognize, I have a problem with their drinking and therefore I come to alanon to figure out how to help myself. How to detatch, but still care.
I put great stock in looking for dysfunctional behavior to screen it out. Nevertheless there is a world out there peopled by dysfunctional people. I am among them as I am seriously codependent. I work daily on having boundaries but being respectful. Sometimes I do better than others.
partlycloudy - I think you're right and I'm also accepting that this is a step forward in and of itself and just because I realize it doesn't mean I hafta run out and do something about it rightthissecond. I don't have the tools for that just yet. But becoming aware of this and getting honest with myself, finally, should make it much easier to gain the tools and apply them in the best way. :)
I swear, it's crazy how much other people's drinking and drug use has affected my life negatively without me realizing/admitting the source of the problem. I don't know how I got blinded. I guess it was just so "normal" that it didn't stand out to me like it would in a different context.
serendipity - I can see your point but this is a big thing for me because until this point I haven't been able to associate the problems with the drinking. In some cases I was actually almost blind to it and totally didn't think about the alcohol/drugs being an issue because the person was in that state 99% of the time I was around them so it seemed normal and it didn't click. So basically I'm not trying to apply a label to someone else but it's easier for the sake of simplicity of getting it across to put it that way when what I'm truly acknowledging is that there is indeed an alcohol/drug problem that I just wasn't admitting to myself as being a large part of the problem for me. Semantics, really.
I'm not saying I care what they admit or do about it. I'm saying that I realize now that I was having trouble moving forward because *I* hadn't admitted it. It's not about them or getting them "better" it's about my getting a clear view of the actual situation at hand and releasing the denial.
But I think that acknowledging that will make it easier for me to move forward in the program. I can't admit powerlessness over other people's drinking until I actually identify that the drinking is a problem, right?
[And actually two of them have actually been labeled as alcoholics and in some sort of treatment in the past but I mistakenly fell for the mindset that if they weren't drinking it wasn't a problem. Of course they've both started drinking again recently so it's a little easier for me to see the truth now. And the third I'm having a problem with knows full well and has no problem admitting that he's a major drunk and pothead, he just doesn't care and especially doesn't care if or how it affects anyone else and likes it just the way it is. I'm not creating labels for people randomly, I'm just finally accepting what is already there.]
Edited to add: Really, up until the past day or so I would adamately tell anyone that I didn't have a problem with/from other people's drinking.
That's one reason I didn't think Al Anon was for me for so long.
Oh yeah, I see what you're saying. I have a hard time staying in my program when I am around people who I can't say have a problem or not. I mean, you are right in that it is easier to start working it when you know that you are dealing with a sick individual. I see what you are saying.
My mother is not an A but she is an adult child of an A and has been severely affected by this disease. But she will never admit that she has major issues so it was hard for me to see her as sick because she didn't. Then I realized that it didn't matter what she thinks, I know what I know and I can use my tools to deal with her (and anyone else). That was a big breakthru for me. That she is sick. And boy, let me tell you...she is SICK!!! LOL! Anyways, good luck!!
It is a big deal when we learn to acknowledge our reality. It is a huge step forward just to be able to see clearly. Doing something about it as you have seen isn't even necessary. That part will come as you use the tools of the program and grow.
For me it was like waking up from a long deep sleep. Recovery for me has been long, hard work, but worth every minute, and in many ways so very rewarding.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Neither of my parents are As either but my mom grew up in a house of alcoholics (both parents and a brother) and definitely has a lot of problems as a result. Even though I didn't deal directly with the A as a kid, I did pick up on my mom's codependent coping mechanisms and adopted them myself very early on. So I had codependency issues before I even started dating As. :P That's probably why I was drawn to them and they were drawn to me in the first place, I guess.
My mom definitely has some serious issues forever and for the longest time she refused to do anything about it. Recently she started recovery as well and has improved a lot. I'm glad that my starting recovery inspired her to finally accept the problem and do something about it. :) She's still crazy as a bedbug but is definitely getting better. ;) It's helping my recovery as well. Early on I'd get really frustrated with her but I finally relaxed and let it go and she started coming around. Now she's really supportive and positive about it and is working it herself too. She is happy about me going to meetings. She mentioned that it'd been recommended for her but I don't think she's really ready for that anyway. I'm definitely gonna let her read some of the literature though.
