The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Which was preceded by my first ever chat on the Alanon forum.
What can I say? It all feels like I put on a new pair of shoes and I'm Cinderella, that's what. It fits like a dream. It's comfortable, it's comforting, and best of all, I was on the cusp before the meeting of the relief that was swift in coming.
Thank you, Alanon.
So I'm officially out of my step daughter's business, and back into my own. Out of trying to "manage" her precarious recovery, and back into nurturing myself. Boundaries still have to be established and maintained, but I'm not as afraid that they'll be the cause, or the prevention, of any relapse that my step daughter may or may not suffer. That's entirely in her realm, and completely out of mine.
(I think I get this.)
To preface: in my ongoing counseling, I've been using the writings of Byron Katie, and her book which has been out for some time, called Loving What Is. It teaches detachment, and shows how the anxiety and worry in our lives stems from the thoughts (or stories) that we each have. Thoughts like, "my step daughter should be further along in her recovery and personal development", and "my step daughter should be going to more NA meetings", and "my step daughter should have a sponsor."
When I believe these thoughts, I feel enormous anxiety, anger, and powerlessness. What Byron Katie teaches is a way of questioning those thoughts, and turning them around. It doesn't change what we think, but allows us to question ourselves. It's quite a liberating experience.
I think I was too deep in the forest to see the trees here. And my therapist was seeing this time of having my step daughter living with us as this opportunity for me to act as a de facto sponsor, since I'm in recovery myself. It hasn't worked out like that at all - the step daughter has not been receptive to suggestions (and then, to my demands) that she work a program, get a sponsor, go to meetings....
....and I was becoming more and more angry and agitated, and Why Didn't She Get It??!!
But now I understand. That this is about taking care of me. My step daughter is going to do what she is going to do - simply because she's already doing it. To argue against it (with those "shoulds" is to create insanity in my life). It's not the reality - what she's doing, Is. I can't fight What Is. I have to Love It.
What a concept.
Byron Katie's new book, which comes out in October, even has a chapter devoted to Alanon. How cool is that??
The journey has started and I am happy for you both. The very first time I really heard that part of the closing of our meetings that reads "If you keep an open mind you will find help" I received my first suggestion then the next was keep coming back. It works when you work it and you are not alone in it.
I am so pleased you both had positive experiences with your first meeting, and thank you so much for sharing them with the group. You never know who is going to gain courage to go to their own first meeting from reading this in the future, and it's your willingness to share that makes it possible.
Also, it reminds those of us who feel we sometimes harp on the "meetings" theme that we are not wrong!
It's an idea I'd tossed around for a little while now but I kept looking for another program/group because I kept thinking that Al Anon and the 12-step thing in general just wasn't for me. I had a lot of misconceptions about the program (combined with a healthy dose of denial).
I think I just wasn't ready yet. When the time was right, I was led in that direction out of the blue and went with it. :)
I want to get the Courage to Change book next week and am really interested in the new book but in the meantime I hit the library to see what they had. The only Al Anon book that was in was How Al Anon Works and I wasn't sure how much I'd get out of it but it's great. Reading the first few chapters has reinforced my feeling that this is the right thing for me.
I'm also glad that specific book found me because a couple lines made some stuff click that wasn't before. Particularly the part about it even being suggested not to feel the need to make any big decisions/changes before working the program a bit and gaining some tools. I've been beating myself up a bit for still dealing with the As in my life when everyone around me thinks I should just cut them off entirely and think that because I've taken this step that I'm automatically ready to do that immediately. Just because I want things to be different doesn't mean I've come across the best way to do that *for me*. It's funny that I can feel like a book gave me permission to not have to make big changes rightnow and the permission not to feel ashamed of that choice even though it may not look like the "best" one from other people's point of view.
I'm excited to hopefully make some supportive friends who are also interested in bettering themselves. I don't have any friends who really understand these problems or who I trust to talk to about it. So I've been trying to do it all myself, of course, and not let on. ;P
I'm not good at making (real) friends or maintaining healthy friendships at all and I think that would help me stay more grounded in dating/relationships as well if I felt I had more support and acceptance outside of them.
I'm excited about the prospect of finding a sponsor too because I think that'd help a LOT.
Now I just wish we had another in-person meeting before the weekend to get me centered again because it's been A central the past few days and I think I need a hug. I'm just going to try not to worry about what hasn't even happened yet, carry on with my own plans, and deal with the As as necessary instead of trying to make any big decisions before anything even happens.
Ok, this got a little long, huh? Lol. Long story short, I was definitely one of the people who seriously doubted the usefulness or necessity of the meetings myself but I'm very happy that I set that aside and gave it a shot. :)
Hi Small Steps - it's nice to meet you. I'm a believer in finding support and answers in all the ways that work for us.
As I mentioned in my original post, I've found the work (or, "The Work", as it's called) by Byron Katie, to have been instrumental in helping me find my voice these last few years. And most recently I've allowed her words and the fine work of Alanon to come together in the best possible way, that has created almost an epiphany of sorts for myself. I'm almost giddy with relief - honestly.
Try googling her name and watch some of the YouTube videos of her work in action and see if any of them resonate with you. They don't work for everyone, but for someone who is trying to see how making ourselves our first priority, I found them to be helpful. I'm learning to be assertive, but gentle. To be truthful, but still kind. To find my voice, but it's without accusation or scorn. It's a very loving practice, and best of all, it insists that we be true to ourselves.
If you aren't able to find a face to face meeting, perhaps you'll be able to use the chat room here, or a scheduled online meeting?
I'm so glad the two of you finally took the plunge. Isn't it refreshing. I was so relieved that I finally had people in my life who could really get it when I spoke. There was not one person in my life who truely understood what I was going through. That was sad. Walking into my first meeting was like coming home.
The friendships thing was one of the topics at my meeting last night. One member shared that she always thought everybody was her friend. She had such low standards that she was constantly taken advantage of. Personally I had almost no friends. I was so isolated by my A's lies and by my own lack of focus on my needs. I simply couldn't maintain friendships and didn't trust anybody to get close. All of us at the meeting had abandonment issues and feel that it is hard to get close to people. One even misses meetings because she is afraid to get to close to group members. She decided to make an effort to get to more meetings and look for a sponsor.
It was a wonderful meeting that ran about 2 hrs because we just needed more time.
Anyway, I hope you get to more. We harp on the meetings because they work. They are the foundation of learning how to live and interact with the world on a healthy level. Even the traditions that keep our groups running smoothly, can be practiced in all our affairs. They work on family units, personal friendships, and work environments. Yes I get excited to share them. I was excited to find what seemed to me like a roadmap to normal healthy living among others.
I know I am running on. I will get down off my soapbox now.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I'm definitely going to look into that book. I find that all the quality reading on the subject I can get my hands on is a good thing for me.
I've been a big fan of Melody Beattie's work (which initially got me considering Al Anon in the first place) and am eager to find some books on different areas of codependency. Especially some self-love stuff. Lord knows I need that.
I'm quite impressed with the Al Anon literature so far as well. (I know that discussion of other stuff in meetings is discouraged and it's recommended that people stick with the Al Anon stuff until they get to a certain point but I'm a big reader and find that I appreciate different angles on things so I think that a combo of Al Anon, therapy, and other reading is for me. At the same time I respect not bringing the outside stuff up during the actual meeting.)
Thanks for the uplifting and inspiring post!!!! Way to go! Please remember that your recovery is not always going to be a straight line, so I would encourage you to take a copy of that post you just wrote, and put it in your journal or somewhere handy, where you can remind yourself of all the positives when you have a down day....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Yes, Canadianguy - I hear you and your advice. I spoke with my therapist this morning of the epiphanous nature of what I've experienced this week. In some ways it's been a Perfect Storm of going to that first meeting, having read the wise words of Byron Katie, and my own ongoing recovery of the last three years all coming together in the midst of trying to wrestle my step daughter into doing what I wanted her to do - and the utter futility of that task. And my therapist, who had indeed become blind to my recent suffering, thanked me for not firing her today. Instead we took the opportunity to look at the meeting schedule and the other support outlets available for me in the community. I came away feeling tended to, and cared for.
Other things I have done to tend to myself this week have included: -seeing my psychiatrist and admitting to him of my increased sense of depression, isolation, and feelings of being trapped at home. He adjusted my medication regime slightly and I'll be working closely with him to keep the situation monitored. -seeing my neurologist and admitting to him of my increased migraine headaches, experienced partly because of the stress of having my step daughter living with us. He also adjusted my medication and will be following up with me on the situation. -attending a women's seminar on Relationships, which allowed me to decrease my sense of isolation and share my experiences with a range of beautiful wise and wonderful females in my community. -I was able to tell my step daughter that I had officially given up the position of being her self-appointed Case Manager, LOL - that she was free to conduct her recovery on her own, without my interference. The next day, she told me that she got a sponsor. It would seem that what she needed was the freedom from me to do the right thing. What she does with it next is up to her.
