Your post brings back so many unpleasant memories for me. Perhaps all of us think "this time he won't drink again." Talk about setting ourselves up!!!! But, as they say, "hope springs eternal..." Just know we understand that your heart is broken and why. Keep your chin up, stick with AlAnon, and take good care of YOU.

With great caring, Diva

Linda,

I feel your pain, been there myself!  I want to share something with you that has helped me tremendously; It is a book called "Getting Them Sober"  A guide For Those Who Live With An Alcoholic by Toby Rice Drews.

I am currently going throught the exact same thing you are and you know what this book has been a life savor for me.  It is the best thing I have ever read.  I bought my book on Amazon.com used for .80 cent .  You could probably even check it out at the library.

When I start to loose myself in my "A"s problems I just pick up my book and read and then I get back on track.  Okay I have probably read the book about ole say 100 times but I'll keep on reading until it sinks in (smile).

The one thing I learned from my book is this ; he does mean it when he promises he will be sober.  He probably can't keep that promise and he doesn't know it.  The paradox is: when you truly stop expecting him to be sober, he has a better chance.  Take Care Ginger (Hope this helped).  Always remember take care of you First!!!!!

HI Linda, Like you saw, many of us have been right where you are, some are there now, some are heading there.

I am not sure were I am. All of a sudden after being able to detach, his drinking was his problem not mine, and really not getting upset if he used or not, I feel done.

Seems weird huh? I have felt serenity for a year or more now. Does not mean I don't hurt sometimes. I love the book, "Getting Them Sober" too. I read it all the time.

It would surprise me if A's did not relapse. It is so much a part of the disease. We who are not A's have no idea how horribly guilty they feel for the stuff they have done to their loved ones becuz they are A.

For me, I honestly did not want to know if he came in drunk or not. But I could tell as soon as I layed eyes on him or heard his voice. It was not him. I mean that, it is not my husband. I would say the disease kidnapped my husband again. It was horrible, becuz I missed him so much.

So I treated him like any stranger, polite and I went on with whatever I was doing or if we had plans I would do something else. I learned to love what I was doing whether he was drunk or using or not. I mean put yourself in their place.

If you can stay calm and detach and go on and not allow the disease to hurt you, then when he/she sobers up they do not feel so horribly guilty. I remember having pms before it had a name. I felt so horribley mean and felt I made everyone around me miserable.

Then when my hormones changed, I felt so guilty I found it hard to show the love I had for my husband. I had yelled at him or said things I did not mean.

It is so hard. I had to make my life like I am single. This way when he came back and went over my boundary of no physical abuse, when I had him leave, I would not be afraid of no money, no home no car etc..

He did not get a chance to be emotionally abusive becuz I was not around him if he used. I just rode my horse, took showers, read books, watched movies etc. I had my own bedroom. He has tinnitis and has to have a tv or radio going all night. I cannot handle that.

So I found having my own space made it easier for me to live with him too. We would discuss when he was sober that it was my sanctuary. I had locks on my doors. And I have a door to the outside, and a bathroom. I also had locks on the freezer and fridg. becuz he would leave them open and cook drunk. I also would go out my door and make it so he could not drive a vehicle. That is one thing he would not do. He would get a bottle of vodka and drink it down on our road about a half mile to hour house. But he would not drive off drunk.

In fact once I told him to go, I got his truck license no. and description etc. He left I called the sheriff, and the police from two towns. They did not bother to get him. he ended up getting into a hit and run accident.

rrrrrr

oh sorry now I am blabbing. Hon I know the roller coaster. It is my firm belief, we will be done when we are done. I even think of seeing A or hearing his voice makes me want to throw up. It is not him, it is the disease I hate so much. I miss my sweet husband so much. I got off the roller coaster.For me it was, he comes home we are married again, holding hands, he is kind, I cook for him, he builds me stuff and helps me feed. We are a mid age couple again. He may drink once in a month. I ignore it and do what I said.But then he drinks again and starts to be physical.

The disease does not like to be ignored. so he is gone again. So for me it was like being married again, then divorced again over and over and over and over and over. this time I said that is that. NO more. Been too sick this time.

I look at is as i am addicted to him, and I finally got so sick I don't want any part of it anymore. I know in the deepest part of me he is so brain damaged he is never him anymore.

I take one day at a time. I wake up wanting to talk to him. I write to him and do not send the letters. It is getting easier now. At first it was horrible.

Anyway I hope this might help in some way. love,debilyn

Why do I use the word "Really" I can't tell you. I was just rambling and that was the word i used. I was just fooling myself thinking his drinking was in the past.. I felt as though he now had the tools he needed to stop drinking. He was like a different person when he was in treatment and after he got out. I just wanted to believe everything was finally going to be ok.

I have done as much as I can do for him and I am trying to work on me being ok.

Linda