The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm begining to hate Tuesday's. Last Tuesday he came home 2 1/2 hours after the meeting had let out. I had dinner prepared and sitting on the stove. No phone call. Nothing. Last night same thing except for the dinner being made. I had no clue as to where he was, IF he was ok, if the truck had broken down, ect.
He comes in and acts like nothing is wrong. I looked at him like he was nutz when he leaned over to give me a kiss hello. Asked him where had he been, he told me. He went to say something about telling me that's what he was doing and I reminded him (rather loudly) that he said he was going to do that AFTER work BEFORE the meeting, not AFTER the meeting. He apologized. I was seething mad. I left, went to my mother's for a little bit. Before I left he asked when I would be home. I laughed at him and said however long it takes me to get there and back. I wasn't sure. And all I'm thinking is HOW DARE YOU ASK ME WHEN I'M GOING TO BE HOME!!!!!!!!!!! I came home, took my benedryl and some tylenol and went to bed. But before I went into the bedroom I asked him what time he wanted up in the morning. He said around 7 so he could go fishing. I asked him if he wanted me to set the alarm and he said no, he'd get up on his own. I laughed and said good luck with THAT. I also asked him if there was anything he had planned for the day, he said other than a meeting at 8p.m. no. I went to bed and prayed to my HP for guidance on what to do about this anger, on what to do about the no job situation, and on what to do with this lack of consideration. How do I deal with this? My knee-jerk reaction is to pack up and leave. This is twice this has happened and I'm PISSED. I feel like he thinks I'm stupid. The part of me that I'm trying to change says DO NOT TRUST HIM it says HE'S LYING it says to NOT BE A DOORMAT AGAIN. It's SCREAMING at me. I'm doing my best to let my HP handle it. I said to myself and HP last night that I'm going to sleep on it. Today, I'm still upset about it, but haven't let it ruin or rule my day. It's just there in my head. Making me cautious. I have an interview at the local hospital for a transcriptionist position. We'll see what happens with that. Perhaps I'll get the job, save some money, and leave. I don't know.
I hear you loud and clear...knee jerk, reaction, anger. Take a deep breath and breath out s l o w l y.
Hold it there and stop. Act in haste, repent at leisure...that is what my Grandmother used to say...and that is what I say to my own children and grandchildren today.
Please, may I ask you try not to swear in your posts...it is so unbecoming, although I do realise how angry you are.
Anger is draining...turn that energy into positive advantage for you, and let go, let God.
It is my opinion that you need to manage that anger first before you make your decision or your move.
Keeping you in my prayers as you work through this situation once again...it is not the first time you have been here...you had packed up and gone to be with your mother when I first met you here...so hold it...and don't let yourself become a ping pong ball as it were.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 17:25, 2008-07-16
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I have read this post, twice, where is there any swearing? If anyone is offended, dont answer the post and move on. Bettina, (Im going to read this post again, Am I missing something?) This is a vent, let the person express themselves. I dont see any swear words.
Well speaking as someone who 's over committed in every relationship early on I'd say I know some of what you are talking about. I can't tell you how often I broke my back to cook for the A and he just sailed in when he felt like it. He loved the fact that I was "there". He wanted me there but it didn't seem to compute I might want to have him around. I never could get it across that I didn't find it helpful to be second best all the time. Or rather I so often over reacted that he didn't pay much attention to what I said. I could be discounted very very easily and I just sat and stewed in it.
Revising my expectations is one of the hardest things I have to do in al anon. I tend to tantrum and say well it is not worth relating if I can only get a few crumbs. I know it does feel like a few crumbs.
Nevertheless being devastated all the time took a tremendous toll on me.
Even revising my expectations of my roommates is hard. Why can't they take my needs into account, why me?
I don't like revising my expectations because then I feel alone and abandoned and that's a pretty painful place for me.
I'm not assuming that any of this is relevant for you or even suggesting what you should do. I do know the more dependent I was on the A the more power I handed to him. I'm aware now how I hand my power over full scale, here it is, here have my serenity, here have everything I have and all I expect is some recognition.
I'm also aware that there was a way the A set things up so that I was stuck at home all the time and he was able to go off out. I was the one assigned the home duties. I changed some of that. I did manage to find focus in al anon but I still felt tremendously resentful that he always knew I would be around.
I don't think I ever saw the A for what he was, a very flawed person, who could not and did not know how to meet my needs and wasn't much interested in it. His needs took preference over mine and if I had a need that was downright selfish.
I find it hard to be self reliant, can relate very much to not having, looking for work, interviewing all the time, feeling isolated and alone. I can also relate to feeling like i'm hitting bottom.
I'll stand on my head for other people, way too much. Stepping back and looking at my needs, putting me in the equation is hard going. I also find not over reacting pretty hard going. I feel on edge a lot and feel abandoned and lost a lot too.
Nevertheless for me it does come back to expectations. When I expect a lot (of what seems a lot someone to be courteous, respectful, kind loving ) when they have 'issues' I get stuck in resentment and paralysis. When I expect them to be dysfunctional and out there it works better. I'm happy when they are not but I know that I have to stay in the "reality" zone. I don't like reality of course, I want my fantasy but reality is more of a place for me to live these days because coming down from fantasy and resentment is pretty hard to manage.
I assume that uare not in a program for yourself , I strongly suggest u find a al anon meeting and quick . when u are looking at your self yu won't have time to worry about what he is doing . sobriety is not easy for anyone and with out a prog i never would have made it . He is not the only one who has to change we do too . Ofen we have too high expectations in sobriety that all will be solved and we will walk hand in hand in to the sunset, I had to get rid of the fantacy and accept things as they were only then could i get my focus off hin and on to me where it belonged . One day at a time u can get thru this but i had to learn to stay out of his face and off his back , his sobriety was his business any way he chose to do it . an hr with a sober alcoholic was alot better than I had when he was drinking . things get better and alot easier when u both have a program . I hope u consider this as an option for yourself . goodluck Louise Some thing that helped me alot was a woman saying to me Dont miss the good days.I missed alot of them by doing exactly what your post is about . When I can stop expecting and start accepting my life gets alot easier .
I understand your frustration. At the same time, he's struggling with his sobriety and all that goes along with it. I can tell you this, the dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship is very different. As Abbyal has said, it's important that you get into a program as well. I wish I had found Alanon before he came out of rehab. I am so glad I have it now.
This man is an adult with choices to make. If he doesn't want you to set the alarm, so be it. He can set it if he wants to. Like they teach us, allow him the dignity of making the choices he wants to. That includes recovery or not. He's responsible for them. He's resposible for the consequences. You can be supportive of him and his recovery. You don't have to hand hold him through it or try and change him. It won't work. I think you can tell him that you're upset that he didn't call. But you don't have to let the anger consume you. What good would that do? Enjoy the sober times with him. They are so nice.
You need to take the anger that you have and refocus it on something more positive, like you. Leave his sobriety and recovery up to him. Focus your energy on your recovery. The anxiety and anger you feel will disperse. You'll be amazed at how much more serenity you will find. Good luck with the job. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Perhaps you could ask him to be more conscious of time, when you have plans together.
Otherwise, it may be more helpful to you to spend less time worrying about him, his actions and his whereabouts, and more time focusing on getting Jennifer healthy.
I hear what you have said, and I gotta say, if my partner had the same thoughts of control and resentment, I would ask her to attend face to face meetings everyday. That would be my boundary.
It all starts with me.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
