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Hi, I'm Partlycloudy. I'm a recovering alcoholic with 3 years' continuous sobriety and recently my grown step daughter moved in with us after she abruptly left rehab for her addiction to painkillers. She was indigent; her drug-dealer husband who had a domestic violence warrant out against him for assaulting her eventually got caught for something unrelated; and now she is working and paying off a debt to us, and saving to move out.
(big breath)
This feels a lot like enabling to me. She isn't paying for rent or food, and she says she can't find any good NA meetings to go to because of the hours she works (4 - 10pm, and she sleeps in til 10:30 everyday). Hasn't found a sponsor.
Question to the forum members is: do any of you have your addict family members agree to a contract that they have to live by with you? ie, they have to go to meetings, they have to get a sponsor, they have to look for a job, they have to save up money to move out...
I don't want to become involved in her recovery - that is her journey. At the same time, I can see that we've placed no boundaries or incentives for her to get out of our home anytime soon. She's 26 years old with a college degree, and has been applying for waitressing and telemarketing jobs, all part time. My DH is afraid that if we start imposing all sorts of restrictions and conditions on her living with us, she'll lose her head and impulsively move in with the first person she finds, and immediately start using again. (To which I say, that would be HER choice. Or she could agree to the conditions that we ask of her.)
Guidance, advice, tell me I'm going about this the completely wrong way... I get the feeling if I do nothing, she'll do even less...
HI and welcome. Boundaries are for you both. It is a meeting of the minds so there is no disagreement or argument possible.
With the boundary, we must have consequences.
ex: Part of the boundary is you have two days to find an AA or NA meeting, most find AA has more members and is more helpful, and start the 90 meetings in 90 days or you have three days to move out. period. no renegotiating or waivering.
It is my experience it is enabling to allow any adult person to live in my home with out contributing.
Put everything on the contract you need to feel comfortable in your own home. Always always have direct,clear attainable goals for the person. Then always have consequences you can live with.Never go back on your word. If we do,we lose all respect.
You are doing a very kind thing. It is even kinder to have bounaries and consequences so you are not helping the disease to be comfortable.
Glad you came here.Please keep coming back. love,debilyn
Dear Partlycloudy1 Congrats on 3 years clean and welcome.
I just wanted to share that I have had to kick my own son out at 18 for not following my house rules... He was not participating in treatment or AA, was not coming home sometimes, and was not helping around the house. It hurt like hell. I didn't sleep for almost a week. And truthfully I cannot even say my fears were unfounded. He has since relapsed, become homeless, and arrested for a DUI.... For me the deal breaker was not coming home at night.
I think it is important to be clear with yourself what you need... I also think the length of time she plans on staying is a factor. If its just a couple months then chores, and actively working on fixing her situation would work with me.
You've got 3 years experience on how it worked for you and you can share that with her along with what your expectations are including the time limit. You know and she knows what it takes to get sober and clean and stay that way. She knows the language and the rules....rehab had rules, live has rules if you don't do discipline you don't get freedom. If you do then you get freedom to have the life you want. Will they take her back in rehab? That's for me would be a starting point cause rehab if it is a good program gives them the intense story and language. If rehab is not an option she's pretty well done whether you and your husband care or not. Look back at your own run days and remember what it was like before you got to the doors of AA? What keeps you there and participating? You know the program and live by it. You would ask me to do the same thing if I were seeking bed and board at your house and if I didn't abide?
Boundaries, ultimatums, rules, guidelines etc., given with love are the tools of recovery. What would your sponsor say? What would her sponsor (if she had one) say? There's only one reason to get in and work the program and a gazillion for not. Different consequences...
Trust your HP and your program and welcome to MIP. There is a difference between enabling and helping and I was taught it this way; If the other person has the time, ability and facility to get the work done and you butt in thats enabling. If they lack any one of those three ...and... they ask for your help, that's an opportunity to help depending on your answer.
Thank you all for your thoughtful and considerate replies. When she was in rehab she worked a full time job AND went to a meeting every day, usually with a group from the residence that she was staying in. Now that she's living with us, she goes when it's convenient to her part time work schedule, and when she feels like it. So that has to change. She's sleeping in though half the morning and missing all those opportunities for meetings there. She says that "all the good sponsors" go to meetings that are held while she's at work (??!!) which sounds like a bald faced lie or at least an attempt at a rationalization. She had one lady offer to be her sponsor, but she "only" had one year clean, and to her that didn't sound like enough time. Another rationalization - like she's window shopping.
So I drop the niceties. By Friday, a week will have gone by when I told her she had to go meetings and find a sponsor. If she hasn't done so by then, then I tell her - what? do I drop the bomb? I already told her this was a condition on her continuing to live with us. Do I say, You've had a week to find some meetings and to get a sponsor; you've done neither, so you're out?
This is really hard. Oh, and did I mention that she has no credibility with me?
Dear Partley Cloudy1 Its funny how the obvious is much clearer when looking at it from the out side... Lol. I'm referring to myself Thank you for sharing so I can see my self a little more clearly...
The bounderies and consequences should both be made clear from the beginning. If you did not state to her that these bonderies are a condition of her living there I believe it would be unfair to just "drop the bomb" when she fails. Does this make since.
I know that sometimes we baby step or avoid to not cause conflict but really the talk needs to happen... It is better to do it now. Later it could possible be a yelling match where hurt feeling develope. The Old Passive Agressive reaction... I'm really good at that too. If you talk to her, lay it all out. You will feel much better today and also later if she fails....
Make a list so that you do not get side tracked by manipulation and then everything gets covered. Tell her you need to talk to her....
Oh, and my son found someone else to take him in. Worse case, so will she...
The bounderies and consequences should both be made clear from the beginning. If you did not state to her that these bonderies are a condition of her living there I believe it would be unfair to just "drop the bomb" when she fails. Does this make since.
Gayle
Well, in our talk last week, I said that attending meetings and getting a sponsor were the conditions under which she could live with us - the question is What Are the Consequences of her not living up to those conditions? And how long do I give her before I say, time's up? She's been living with us for 2 months now, and I hadn't put any conditions on the living until now. Is this too soon, am I being too harsh?
My gut instinct is telling me that I'm being taken advantage of - that she knows we aren't going to chuck her out because she's hasn't got a sponsor.
I think that the next step is to put the expectations in writing. Perhaps she still doesn't get it that these are enforcable rules we're talking about here? (Oh, and she's still in bed....)
Well Im not sure if your daughter has a computer but there are meetings here on line. I would make the expectations reasonable.
Speaking as someone who viewed moving in with someone as an option, I'd work against making that enticing. Of course it is her choice but we know where the last choice got her.
When there are multiple issues like domestic violence and depression I think the structure and consequences have to reflect that. What you want to see is your daughter moving to active recovery that can be in many ways. She may need more in her tool box than meetings. Why not give her 2 weeks and set up that you want her to take care of her needs and move to a better place.
You can also come here and talk about how you feel in watching her stumble and move backwards. We all do that for some of us recovery is two steps forward and four back.
We also as codependents think we know exactly what someone needs to do to recover when we don't necessarily. Yes meetings help, yes having a sponsor helps, yes getting out of bed helps but its a matter of how to encourage and support her in doing that and deal with your own feelings when she doesn't do it "your" way.
Congratulations on your sobriety! It takes alot just to work our program. Remember what they tell us in Alanon - We didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it.
Yep, all that stuff is out of my control - perhaps this is more about having a shiftless step daughter living in my home - who also happens to be an addict in recovery... It's difficult to have watched her actually go backwards in her personal development since she moved in with us. She ran out of rehab with incredible motivation: she was going to continue the hard work she had started there, except without the financial constrictions. She promised all the things I've listed here ad nauseum: multiple weekly meetings, getting a sponsor, working a full time job, and paying off her debts and saving up for her own place.
What has happened has been - a full time job that went part time after a week. (So no money and she's deeper in debt to us.) Fewer and fewer meetings. No sponsor. With the shorter hours, she's coming home later and sleeping in more. The husband is in prison for the forseeable future, but she was waxing poetic yesterday about how if he called her up, she'd probably go back to him. I nearly choked that she admitted this to me - he'd beat her up while she was pregnant, and pawned her jewelry to support his own drug habit. Oh, and threw her bicycle through her car window the last time he saw her. Yeah, I'd go back to that man - what's the thought process there, and why is she telling me this stuff? Where am I supposed to put this piece of information that doesn't make me feel like I stepped in something I want to scrape off the bottom of my shoe?
I can't actually take living with someone like this in my house. I'm suffering. My migraine headaches have gotten worse - just got my prescption increased for those. My depression has nosedived - just had another medication added to my cocktail I'm taking. I can't actually speak of the living situation without breaking into tears. I feel uttery trapped.
How does this get better unless I tell her, you have to do A, B and C, or else you'll have to leave?
