The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
since last we talked my girlfriend...who has been sober now for almst a week...thank god...got kicked out of her fathers place...shes thirty seven and still lives with him..relies on him..etc
well..he kicked her out..once again...the man is a bit nuts and his daughter..my lady..aient the greatest thing on the planet...oops..was i suppose to say that..
well..nyway..right now she is living with me..its going all right actually..no real blow ups..a little bit of underlying tension is still around
unfourtunately she aient working..just a night or two a week...and her dependence issues are still almost traumatic...for her and for me
it is not the ideal situation for me..and hopefully it will change...for now it is most deffinitely day by day..one day ata time
i am not too happy about it..but i do like the company and the ocasional loving i get...but she needs to grow up..learn to take responsibility for herself and stop complaining so much..me to i suppose
anyway..i have been hitting up many meetings and talking to as many people as possible...starting working some step..doing some step work but that has fallen by the waist side recently
i am still not comfortable in my existence and still feel like i need much much much work and obviously to me...make some better and more passionate and constructive choice
tonight my lady is bartending..she says she wants to get out of it but has no where else to work..not qualified for anything
its all bull really...she just dosen't want to look for a job
anyway..i don't need to take her inventory here
i have begun to play some music again and even am trying a bit of painting but something seems to be missing
i do not feel full..i do not feel as strong as i could or have felt in the past
something is left uncovered in my psyche and my lifestyle
i need to take things slowly right now but i also need to jump into the river of ife again
maybe that means a job for me..more construtive time
i need to start making some wiser desicions about my life..my place in life..my geography
i will leave most of it up tp my higher power but something feels amiss right now
My opinion only but what could be missing is missing from a lot of our lives, a higher purpose. It has nothing to do with anyone who is in our lives, it has to do with getting out of ourselves and creating value in our lives and finding out what that is and work toward that goal. You probably dont like the added financial responsibility of your GF and you would be well within your right to tell her that if she wants to live with you, she has to contribute, nothing wrong with that. You feeling taken advantage of and it makes you feel uncomfortable? Boundaries that you know you have to make but arn't doing what you have to do for yourself. The tools of this program are for everybody. Really teaches us to respect ourselves. Keep coming back and share. Were here for you. Luv, Bettina
thanks...and yes..i agree..a higher purpose is missing from my life...and thanks for sharing that..i think you hit it right on the head
as far as the gf..yes..i agree..i am letting certain boundaries get blurred by her addition in my house...and yes there is some resentment
these are things i need to deal with but first and foremost..i believe that a higher purpose...a higher life purpose is in line for me..and i really do need to focus on that
Aloha Charles...I just got thru reading Jean's post on "rescue, rescuing" have you read it? Not suggesting that your girl friend is an animal but the topic kinda fit don't you think?
Keep searching...for me the solutions always come when I stay open.
Charles you sound like a very creative person,also you are really searching for answers.
May I tell you, when we are involved with an A, their illness makes us sick also.It takes so much energy from us.
Charles my daughter has a degree in fine arts and does all kinds of wonderful art,metal, jewelry etc.She taught at U of O. When she lived with the A their home was void of life. Was awful.
She left him. I went to see her, her home was colorful, happy,esoteric, are all over. It was Raini again.
I can tell you, you won't find what you are looking for when you are influenced by the A disease. It is like being in a pit where the A is at the bottom pulling you down.
Charles there are people who make you feel so good about yourself just being around them.They can even make you feel like you want to be the best person you can be.
What you have shared,I would expect you not to feel very well. There is a wonderful book a book that has more copies than any other in the whole world, it says this,"Bad associations spoil useful habits." I sure find this to be true.
It sounds like this situation is not permanent. In my experience it is enabling the A. The A disease will suck you dry Charles.
Sure you care about the person, but the person is very sick,controlled by a horrible disease. They need to feel as awful as possible to get to the point they may work on getting well.
I have had to think about this too charles.The woman my husband has lived off of I believe is finally dieing from her cancer. Hopefully he will have no where to go. I pray he doesn't.
He is no longer the handsome,sexy musician he used to be. There are surely no women wanting him anymore. Mommy is in a nursing home, sis is a homeless meth addict.
Friends are all dead or left him. His wife,me learned from MIP not to allow him here.
In a great book I read the hard truth about Aism. "Getting Them Sober," by Toby Rice Drew volume one. I invite you to get this book. It will open your eyes.
What you seek is waiting inside of YOU. It cannot come out as the A disease will do its best to destroy it.
You know the answer. I am sure of it. I see it every time you share. But it is not my job to tell you. It won't mean anything until you find it and believe it for yourself.
Are you saying Debilyn that people who are with an A cannot be creative or pursue their goals. I disagree. I know the road is a lot tougher, but If they are working a good program and really discover their higher power it is possible to still live a successful life and achieve your goals. My experience has been different, yes it has been tough sometimes, but it has never interfered with me enjoying my life. LIfe is a struggle, even if you don't have an alcoholic in your life. People suffer from a lot of different things, the goal here is to win over ourselves no matter what situation were in. I never made my life about the alcoholic. Just my 2 cents worth. Luv, Bettina
i thank everyone for all of their suggestions..book references etc
thanks a lot
i think she had a sort of nervous breakdown last night at her job..went back to her fathers house..i guess they are talking again
haven't heard from her yet this morning..a little reluctant to call her
for me..yes..i need help..no doubt about it..and like said before..i am seeking it and doing some of it..not fully in it yet..hopefully time will help with that
yes..i am keeping an open mind and again..thank god for the meetings i attend..even if i don't want to go..99 percent of the time i go anyway
i have a decent support group but no doubt it could be better and stronger
i agree..though..with the fact of other people..just their energy..helping to make me feel like i would want to be the best person i can
right now i feel like i am running on 89 percent..but i need more..and i will..and am finding it
i understand the difficulty with the a..i grew up with one..or two as a child..repeating soem patterns i guess..comfortable in the uncomfortability of it all
i love everyone here and i love the feed back and the suggestions i am getting and i will continue to come back..read and write my story..and share with others
thanks you all for your insights and help
it is deffinitely much appreciated
thank you and god bless all your higher powers day in and day out
I'm pretty familiar with enmeshment, gravitate towards it even. It feels comfortable like an old coat. The trouble is after a few years of al anon the old coat is looking really really worn now and I am willing to trade it in.
I think some of working a program is being uncomfortable, going the extra mile, digging into those steps, being committed to change! Change means being very very uncomfortable for us sometimes. The kind of pain I was in during my last relationship has motivated me tremendously.
That doesn't mean you run for the hills from your girlfriend but detach and look at what you are playing into.
Sometimes that takes a while. The focus has to come "off" her and onto you. What do you do when she needs something? How come you are available when she needs something? How come you can step right in there?
For me personally there was a secondary gain in being "needed" then I got really resentful that the other person did not reciprocate, when I needed they were not around.
I tend to merge, congeal and move towards really frustrating codependent relationships. I notice the irritation but for me the familiar is the key. I am working to move towards more functional relationships where there is respect, energy and commitment. Don't ask me how yet because its foreign territory to me.
For many of us in Al anon there is a tremendous familiarity in an active A. For me my entire family of origin is dysfunctional. My mother was very codependent, she had a real affinity for alcoholics in particular. Some of that was cultural but I think she also felt really at "home" with them.
For me after a couple of years in program I'm looking for different kinds of relationships. That doesn't mean I judge or label others who have an active relationship with an alcoholic, recovering or not. That's their choice. My choice is to move to something different, not necessarily better, holier than thou, but different because I want to be different. Saving the world for me has to be in a different way, volunteering somewhere, giving to charity not sacrificing myself for another human being.
There is for me an area I have not yet explored, give and take. I'm used to giving till I bleed, that no longer works for me (on some level it did work). Moving to another way of being means being really conscious of what I do, how I respond, what works, what doesn't work. I'm no longer that immersed in what others "should" do but what I need to do, what I do, what I can do and what I can change.
really...she just dosen't want to look for a job