The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
you've heard the saying that 2 wrongs don't make a right...my partner and I have been fighting. Both of us have said and done things that we shouldn't have. I can't help feeling like I caused some of her actions because of my mouth. At the same time, I'm angry at what she did. The last few days all I have wanted to do is hide. I have contributed to this mess. With that said, I don't know how or whether to hold her responsible for what she's done. I feel lost. I feel alone. I can't think straight.
Well I am sure plenty of people here have over reacted. I have personally (my own ESH) is that consequences are the only way to make my point with an active A. I set consequences. That helps me. I used to confront confront confront. I got nowhere with that.
I know for me too there is a way that I have to set limits around what I wil and won't say. Before I would lash out. Now I don't lash out at people in the same way (I am far from perfect) I won't just lash out with anything I've got anymore the remorese is too hard to deal with. I have limits on what I will say and do.
I know what is it to be in a convoluted mess. I also know for me when I am in chronic conflict it is a huge red flag. I'm not willing to be in a lot of conflict anymore. I lived ate and slept it for 7 years. Now I really work on it. I work on letting certaing things go, live and let live. I watch my reactions and over reactions closely. I monitor my response closely. Above all I forgive myself for all my over reactions. I lived, ate and slept stress and chaos for 7 years that took its toll. I have had to regroup and regroup and regroup since then.
You can only control you ~ keep your side of the street clean and then even if your partner chooses not to, you won't feel guilt about what you've done. It will help you build self-esteem by being the "bigger person" and you might get to the point where you can say what you mean, mean what you w/out saying it mean.
I love how Dr. Phil often says regarding relationships, someone's got to step up to the plate and be the hero.
I hope this helps, that's the intent, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Higher ground- its there for us at any time. I love this.
I have real problems with the whole notion of judging people and placing blame on people. Never has been useful for anyone, it seems to me. The giant thunderhead of justice just doesnt really seem all that useful for us humans in one-on-one relationships. I prefer aiming for unconditional love and acceptance which is role modeled to me from my HP.
