The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was driving down the road the other day thinking about my life choices and how I like things to be slightly chaotic and unpredictable and how I was drawn to that for so long and then something hit me. I was thinking about the A - he was a binge drinker - he was mostly reliable but a few times a year there would be that chaotic wild card that spun all of our lives into a whirlwind. Then I realized that I didn't leave then..... I left when it started being all the time, every weekend. He became predicatble. I could count on him being drunk on a regular basis (and not so reliable). And I thought... could it be? The thing that finally made me leave was the predictability of it all? No more mystery and excitement never knowing when he's going to mess up again, he was just doing it all the time then. I wondered for a minute if that was what kept me with him for so long the desire for chaos kept me there? But I still had the safety of his stability for the most part? I'm a bit of a thrill seeker, I love the thrill of the hunt, love a challenge. Once it was gone and it became apparent that this was the new MO that was it.
CG...I certainly know several people who are addicted to chaos and drama filled lives. If they don't have it going on in their own homes they find it anywhere they can with anyone they can. I know myself from growing up in an A home I could become very bored if things were going along peacefully. As I get older I am finding out that I so enjoy the peace when I have it . I can not tolerate being around chaos and drama any longer.
Hey, CG, where've you been? Just thinking this morning that you've been mising.
What an interesting revelation you had. Makes me think how I am totally the opposite. I just want things to stay the same. Scares me actually, in that sometimes I think (though not as much anymore) that I would prefer my AH back in the house and live in ignorance and denial, than deal with all the drama that has become commonplace in my life.
Food for thought, that's for sure.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
According to lots of theories that is why some many of us stay in abusive relationships because they are not all bad all of the time. I know the A who I was with was not all bad all the time. As his disease progressed there was no coming back anymore from the latest crisis. I also know personally for me it was alanon that did it. I was in alanon and started focusing on myself. He was no longer my only social support. I started being willing to look at that I could leave rather than adamant I could not.
I know for me there was a progression in the disease too. I became a shrill, persistent miserable person. I was totally enmeshed in anger with the A. I'm so glad that I no longer have to deal with that. At the same time I really don't like what I am dealing with now, poverty, fear, ill health, marginal housing to say the least.
I had things with the A at one time, a home, cars, money, a relationship. All that was totally decimated by the A's actions and by my own inaction. Every penny I had got caught up in his huge messes.
I am no longer willing to clean up other people's mess. Yet I live in a world surrounded by addiction and other people messing up royally. I work hard not to be involved but there is no question their actions affect me, far less than the A did but there is an affect there. I long for a day when I am no longer affected by other people's actions and am willing to work towards it
Right now I loathe chaos and have a chaos meter out there. If I meet someone with a lot of chaos in their lives I'm well aware of the red flags. I'm grateful, os very grateful that I no longer gravitate towards and think its my job to fix other people's chaos.
And me too...welcome back I also missed your participation in our recovery.
And what a marvelous post along with the feedback. It's already a good day. I relate to what you did and found out and what the feedback was and then I was bought to the realizations that I participated in the chaos because I took it personal and one of my tools of survivorship is to fight (not flight) to protect myself, to win, to affirm my own self as good and right. I found out it was a natural instinct and I participated. Another thing I found out was that if I practiced anything long enough it became habit on the subconscious level and I would need no thought to make it start and run and in fact if she or anyone else wasn't the ignitor of the fire...I was. I found out about resentments as longtime hurts that continued to flare up and that kept me at crises level.
I never enjoyed it because I found out that the most desired state everyone around me was working for was peace of mind and serenity. I found that to be true with me and others. I really wanted it very badly and part of the fight was to finally reach it. How I didn't know that the answer was in stopping my role in the fight and backing away. That now is the habit because I love the consequence.
One of the physcological profile markers of the alcoholic/alcoholism is that they are "risk takers". Actually those who perform in this disease take on most if not all of these characteristic themselves. It is easier to blame the alcoholic because they get outwardly drunk while I am being inwardly drunk.
It is soooo good to have you check back home and bring your ESH. Hope all is well with you and isn't driving a great place to reflect? You don't do that...drive, reflect and cellphone at the same time do you?
Nice to have you back. I think that there is alot of truth in what you said. It kinda of makes us game players too. Only because that is all we know and we have to take responsibility for our lives. I sometimes wish my AHsober drank again because I knew exactly what the problem was. Now that we are separated I am secretly glad when he says he is in his disease (playing computer games all night, procrastinating, etc.). I don't know maybe I don't want him to be successful or happy without me. Now who is the sick one? Me, me, me.
Ok, maybe chaos is the wrong word. I do love my stability and peace of mind. I don't like a rut, same thing every day over and over. I do like knowing for the most part that things will be calm and quiet but I also like to try new things, go new places and shake it up a little. I just wondered to myself if it was the fact that he became predictably bad or just the fact that he was bad that made me go.
I too have been wondering about you. Nice to have you back.
Thanks for sharing your revelation with us. Pretty interesting to think of it that way. I'm a little more for stability in my life. Since I am also ACOA, I get more stressed out when things get too uncertain. Thats just me though.
Welcome back!! We've all missed your input.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I think that's a great insight. Whether or not it really is true you will probably not find out until the next time you find yourself with a lot of chaos in your life. Then you can say "Hmm, am I feeding this in some way?" and see waht the answeer is. Until you have had the insight, you never think to even ask that question.
For what it's worth, I wouldn't be surprised if you find there is some truth in it. I know that I don't believe that I was just walking along, innocent as can be, and the big bad alcoholic happened to me. I had a part in it - I happened to him as much as he happened to me. I think that when we can see our (mostly unconcious) and mostly well meaning and innocent part in things, we find it easier to forgive the A - nobody is the villian here, it's just a sickness and a human tragedy.
Hi there stranger! It's about time you came back to us. I am one of those people who thrives on chaos at work. I'm not talking about drama. Forget about that. I'm talking about being understaffed and really busy. It drives me crazy but I seem a bit more focused on the present. I don't like the unpredictability of living with an active A. I like stability and serenity of knowing what is what. Alanon has taught me how to live with uncertainity and yet still maintain some serenity.
I know several people who can't live without all the drama in their lives. It's as if they almost thrive on it. I don't get it. They seem perfectly happy. I'm wondering if it's a way for them to test themselves and their self-esteem is tied to it? If they can survive in chaos, then they must be doing things right. Hmmm....just thinking too. Love and blessings to you and your family. Hope you're enjoying the summer.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
