The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here. I so wish I didn't have to be here. I actually posted on another board back in April because I wasn't sure my DH was an AH. I was assured that he was. We've been married 16 years and have two young children. He drank when we first married - weekends only, never to get drunk. I'd have a couple with him too, there were no worries. Over the past many years he has gone from weekends only to some weekdays too to all week long. He's started mixing in things like Mike's Hard Lemonade in between beers because he likes the flavor, he says. In the past he made fun of these types of drinks. One night he ran out of beer and drank a bottle of wine. This is so completely out of the norm, it was like a huge red flag.
He's had a personality change over the years. He's more angry and controlling and verbally abusive. He's called me names he would kill someone for calling his daughter. I've done so much to try and placate him that even he admitted I had done everything he asked and that he wasn't trying. This has been a process over years. His anger is really out of control. I don't know why he's so angry and I'm not sure he does either. I finally started going to a Christian counselor to try and get some sense of myself back. I have felt so lost and adrift for years now and I don't recognize the scared cowering type person I've become when I'm around him. After many months of counseling it was obvious that DH is an alcoholic. I begged the counselor to tell me I was wrong, to disprove me, to find holes in the information I've given him. He said he can't. That I have bent over backwards trying to tell both sides of the story but that even with only my side, my DH clearly has problems, alcoholism is probably the main one. He has other issues of control and power that have me walking on eggshells and fearing going to bed. I can't get into any of that now.
I asked Dh to go to counseling. He finally said he would but after several weeks and no appt. I asked and he said the guy was too hard to get ahold of. At my next counselor meeting I told him this and he told me to be prepared for DH to maybe meet with him once and then declare he was done because he'd done everything I asked him to do. I had asked him to cut back on his drinking. He did -for a few weeks he pretty much only drank three nights a week. Then as the weeks went on it slipped up to 4 and 5 and 6 days a week again. He did make an appt. with the counselor finally, after yet another blowup. He met with him once and refused to do the psych eval as he didn't want it on his record. Then last night he lit into me about not doing something he wants way more often than a couple times a week and told me he had done everything I asked - he had met with the counselor and cut back on his drinking. When I told him his drinking had crept right back up again he said that wasn't the issue, and that if this is the way I'm going to be he is going to cancel all his future appointments with the counselor.
That's pretty much where we left it, although I haven't been able to tell him that the reason I don't have desire for him is because of his drinking - or his inability to see/admit that he has a problem and do something about it. My counselor thinks I need to tell him this. DH does NOT think he has an alcohol problem. He's not a falling down drunk, only drinks at home, (unless we're at a party or something) and is a very well respected and successful businessman. But he seems to have a compulsion to drink that he did not used to have, and he's asking me to do things that he never used to and that the few people I have talked to about this say is not, absolutely not normal behavior. He is OCD and I'm not sure if that plays into anything but my counselor says many OCDers do self medicate with alcohol. He doesn't drink a case per night or anything like that. More like a six pack, with some other stuff mixed in - some days more and some days less.
My heart is broken mainly because the dream seems to have died. I have two kids to think about and there is so much else on my plate - my job, sick family members, I can't just pick up and go......somewhere.....but it is something my counselor said I should be prepared to do. We have committments though - life stuff, stuff it's hard to just drop and leave. STuff for the kids, family, etc. Lovely house in great neighborhood where the kids have tons of friends.
I can't live with all this anger and blame any longer. It's eating me up. I've rambled long enough.
Most of the al-anon meetings around here seem to be at night - do they offer child care in those situations or does it just depend?
AA is filled with well respected people, doctors, lawyers, professers, entertainers, homeless, etc, the disease does not discriminate. If respect cured Alcoholics we wouldnt have anyone suffering from Alcoholism, nor would the families. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way and alcohol is a progressive disease if not halted. One light at the end of the tunnel is Al-Anon, the tools of the program work for you without fail. You can't change the alcoholic, but you can change your reactions and regain your life back. Unless the marriage counselor is trained in addictions, the alcohlic will not do well, it will be good for you, Al-anon are the professionals when it comes to this disease. AA is for the alcoholic, thats where your husband should be and only when your husband recognizes that he is an alcoholic, we cannot judge if they are or arn't , only they can. Don't make any quick decisions, until you have tried Al-anon. So, get help for your recovery, because the affects of this disease are devastating. Learn how to detach, read the Al-anon material and practice the tools, you will have a weight lifted off your shoulders. Remember you didnt cause it, you cant cure it and you can't control it. Keep coming back, Luv, Bettina
(((Susan-HUGS))) We are glad you are here, you have found the right place, people will always be here for you, and your life will get better in Al-Anon. I live one state to your West, and have been in the program almost 2 years. Al-Anon will give you the tools to deal with the everyday problems that come out of living with an active Alcoholic. Bettina was right on, get to some f2f meeting as soon as posible in your area. Get in contact with a local contact person, sometimes listed in your Sunday paper. If not numbers for finding Al-Anon Groups will be in your phone book. You will be able to aquire the information you need about times, etc. Always remember you a dealing with a disease, one that will continue to destroy everything in its path. It is a devasting and cruel disease and we get trapped in its grip. Al-Anon will get you out of that grip and put you on a road to recovery. HUGS-AGAIN, RLC
Some people have a dual diagnosis. They have two things to contend with.
The issue is that no matter how much you label it he has to want help. For some people that takes a while.
Al anon can help you whatever you do. Al anon helped me when I was living with an active a and it helped me when I was leaving and it helps me when I'e left. Guess what my problems didn't evaporate when I left.
No one here is going to lecture you to leave, stay or tell you what to do. We may make suggestions but its your life and its up to you what you do. There are tools in al anon that help manage the tremendous difficulties you are dealing with.
All of us have been to the point of despair and back. No one here is going to judge you or even him for that matter. We've all had our share of tremendous hardship. We've all been there and we know what a time it is for you.
Being here doesn't mean that you are in any way shape or form being disloyal you are getting help for yourself. At al anon we work with the three C's. We didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.
Personally I am guilty of placating people for years. That form of people pleasing is really hard on me, eventually the resentment gets too toxic. I work on having more honest and respectful relationships these days. They don't appear out of the blue I have to work on them.
Many of us have found ourselves in an alcoholic marriage with tremendous responsibilites. If you stick around here you will hear how other people manage and most of all use the tools.
welcome. I hope you will choose to stay this time. If you don't you are always welcome to come back.
I have to share with you that I got a little chuckle out of your post. I, like you, didn't want to be one of those either (those being Alanoners). But I have to share that for the very first time in my life, I felt at home. These folks understood me like no other. I could even talk in riddles and they would shake their heads up and down in understanding.
It's not usually until we get the gift of desperation (I know you think I must be crazy -- desperation a gift!!!!) that we decide it's time to truly make a change. I received that gift some 8 years ago and my life has truly changed in so many ways and most definitely for the better. It wasn't always easy. I had fear and setbacks and made mistakes along the way but I kept coming no matter what.
Groups, especially in larger populations, usually do have childcare and some groups that don't have childcare don't mind if you bring your children if they sit quietly coloring or keeping occupied without distracting the meeting.
Welcome aboard! Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
