The material presented
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level.
I have been thinking about this question for a while now - What attracted me to him in the first place? I was in need of someone to listen, care, someone to enjoy spending time with which I wasn't getting at the time from the man I was with (we had been living eachother apart for years). Well the guy seemed interested in being with me, talking, and I felt loved. We soon started dating. I knew he was drinking on the weekends. I didn't know he drank all the time and I didn't know anything about alcoholism at the time. We started going to the bar a lot, just having a good time, partying, which I had not done in many years. Maybe I needed an escape from my normal life and I found that with him. We moved in together and things escalated. The verbal abuse, breaking things, being overly jelous, etc started after we moved in. I know now at the beginning he just wanted a good time with me, I guess he became attached and I did too. He was very nice at first and things got worse. Then of course came the dependency and in learning about dependency now things are getting clearer to me. I didn't see the warning signs for a long time, and when I did I didn't know what to do. I think if I knew then what I know now, I would have stopped talking to him.
Buick the answer to that question might take some time coming. Probably it will come as you learn more about yourself and that takes time. It will have alot to do with who you are...the good, the bad the ugly and the beautiful. More immediate question and answer is....What do I do now that I have found myself in this mess?
Keep coming back...(answer is probably in that statement huh?)
I would agree the answers for me came long after I stopped being with the A. The important thing for me is not to get the stick out. I practice better relationship skills now. Do I do better, not really. I am isolated, fearful and over over reactive. I forgive myself daily for that.
The issue is for me to give myself as much compassion as I gave him.
What do I do now that I have found myself in this mess? Good question. I try to stay sane, or become sane. I guess one thing I will say that attracted me to him was probably escape from my life back then. Something different. But of course the grass is not greener on the other side. I never thought I would ever use this phrase. I surprise myself every day. I also know that that I am important to me. It's not just everyone else that's important to me. What strange discoveries.
Maresie: I'm not as isolated since I started coming here. Hope things get better for you. If you want to talk I'm here to listen.
Jerry: You said it will have a lot to do with who you are. That's another big one to figure out.
Please get to a al anon meeting quick , and u will find out who you are and why u do the things u do . If u are going to pursue a relation ship with him your going to need your own program . lets face it alcoholics are great people fun , carring until the disease takes over . And it's ok to love an alcoholic just have to learn to love yourself just as much . can they change ? yes with a concentrated effort they can but it takes time ,,have no expectaions and u will be fine Louise
I plan on going to a meeting within the next few days. I hope to have the courage to walk through the door. I'm worried about the part when I have to introduce myself. I will probably freeze, turn red. If I don't freeze I don't know what do say.
He was fun to hang out with for a while (7 years ago) until he became sicker and sicker. Now he's getting better and better. And I will try to do the same.
You said "have no expectations". I've heard someone else say that and I will take it to heart. It will be a very smart thing to do. Thank you.
I know for me I've spent a lot of time working on my boundaries and working on how to have them. For me the red flags were something I also acknowledged but did not know what to do about. Nowadays I acknowledge them sometimes its a little late. I am constantly assessing what our my needs, how can I meet them. I have friends who are great friends but they would not be suitable for a intimate relationship. I try to work with that. What our my boundaries, what do I need in certain relationships. What do I need in a housemate and more. People promise a great deal generally at the beginning of a relationship then they reveal themselves. I over committed day one now I don't over commit to anything. I stop and listen and wait and keep waiting.
I rushed in before to many a disaster. I still have my disasters but they are small scale compared to others.
Boy Buick, Haven't we all asked ourselves that at one time or another? And the saying "If I knew then what I now know..." well, sometimes, we make changes -- if we have had enough experience, wisdom, courage, strength the al-anon programs gives and the kind of people around who are not enabling a dysfunctional relationship.
For me, fear of not finding someone else was a real fear. And, the desire to have someone take care of me-- someone on a fast white horse if you know what I mean -- to take me away from all my pain and loneliness was so strong I could barely function. I mean I was able to work and pay my bills, but emotionally I was a mess. No self-confidence at all. No real understanding of what a real relationship means -- it's not just being there physically, but communicating, give and take, friendship, companionship, so many things I didn't realize really weren't there. I convinced myself they were there... but looking back, no, friendship, companionship, real communication weren't there. There was going out but not sharing in the fun (like going out to bars and watching him drink and look at other girls or having him come to my house w/ a 12 pack while he watched the game -- that wasn't fun, but I accepted it), there was me doing stuff for him so he'd value me so much more than any other girl, and there was talk but not communication.
I do remember at one point getting honest with myself when we were dating and asking myself "Why am I with this guy? We don't have any real common interests and we are so different in values, faith, etc." But the fear was right there in front of me all the time -- fear of being alone, fear of getting into my thirties and not having a husband, and fear I'd never have kids... it made me look the other way and I convinced myself I loved him and things would be okay. Yup, I married him... had the big beautiful wedding day... but it has been an uphill challenge getting through years of drug and alcohol addiction, some years of early sobriety, and the disappointing slips. Now, he's clean and sober, but not practicing a program and it's a struggle... living with the addict is always hard.
I guess I love him... he has his good points and we have some beautiful kids. He has had periods of being in the program that he has changed and improved, he still has room to grow... as do I.
People around me also didn't really support me that much when I talked about his issues when we were dating... my friends and I were all in the same boat. My parents didn't have the courage to tell me the truth... but ultimately, the final choice was up to me.
There's no easy way to make a decision when your heart is involved -- but try to use good thinking when making decisions and surround yourself with people who love you and will encourage you to do the best for you -- not just tell you what you want to hear.
I wish you all the best. Just remember, if there is any fear of any physical abuse, al-anon does recommend that you have a plan of action: money, an escape plan (keys, a friend's to go to, etc.), phone numbers to call. Be safe. Take careof you. hugs, Lee Ann
its a great question and my answer was that he needed me and I so very much needed to be needed at that time. I have spent *quite* a bit of time figuring out why...its been highly beneficial but not always pretty, believe me!
Now I know that I want to be with someone who is truly happy and accepting of themselves and who takes care of themselves- has a job, has friends and family, accepts responsibilities, sleeps in a nice bed, has a nice place to live, a decent car that runs, etc. Someone who is not really interested in hooking up but is pleased to be doing their life as they have been. Someone who is having fun and doesnt need to drink to do so. IF a relationship develops its just icing on the cake- its NOT the focal point of life. J.
