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Interesting... just 5 years ago I would have said that alcoholism or alcohol in general, had no impact on my life. Now, even though I am not engulfed in the active part of it, I feel surrounded.
My brother is also an A in my life. Just a few years ago, he had a wonderful intact family. Now my sis-in-law is struggling to care for her kids on her own while my bro is out of the house denying he has a problem. She made the transition from the at-home, homeschooling mom to the corporate world in order to support their kids. She is a strong woman, and for the most part, is positive and dynamic. She's one of those people who makes friends fast and easily. She started dating my bro in high school, and before him she always had a boyfriend. Up until the last few months, she loved my bro dearly. She was always faithful to him and believed in marriage. She filed for legal separation as a way of giving him a chance to get his act together, but that hasn't happened. She will be able to file for divorce in Sept.
She has given my bro some very firm boundaries, one of which she will agree to go to counseling with him once he goes to rehab or at least attends some counseling on his own. He has added smoking to his addiction list and is now being treated with a bunch of meds which just adds to the craziness of it all (I don't get that!) His kids are very angry with him and do not have a strong desire to see him and absolutely do not want him back home.
So, here is my issue. Lately my sis-in-law has become distant. Finally last night I asked her, "so what's his name?" and was told "an old high school friend". He lives out of state and she played it down, but I can tell it is something. I am so torn and irked. I know it is her life and my bro has totally blown it, but for the sake of everyone involved (particularly the 5 kids) I don't understand her hurry. This obviously is a very sensitive subject for me. I don't know if my marriage could have been repaired, but I am certain that my AH would have made some attempt if he didn't have somebody else.
Thier 5 kids are here on vacation right now. The older two (14 & 16) have disdain for my brother. The middle child is withdrawn and has an ulcer. The second youngest seems just to be faking happiness (she nicknamed herself "Giggles"), and the youngest still wants his daddy. They live out of state with her family (parents and 2 sisters in close proximity). I can't help but wonder if the hatred I see in the older two is all thier own or influenced by family. However, I then look at my kids, and although no one has ever tried, I don't think anyone could poison them against their dad.
I know it is none of my business, but I am bugged nonetheless. I have detached myself from my brother because it is just too painful for me, and when I do I get sucked up. I feel this is drawing me in. I want to call him and tell him I love him and beg him to get help, but I know it is fruitless. The disease firmly took hold of him a couple of years ago after a failed business venture when he lost a lot of money that belonged to investors. Also, our parents died when he was 9 and 13 and I know my bro is also carrying around a tremendous amount of pain as a result. I know how terrifying it is to even think about dealing with those feelings and that it must be easier for him to continue to numb himself than deal with his real issues.
At what point is it okay to move on? Why am I so bugged? Are my feelings about this all about my co-dependency and wanting to take care of my brother? I hate this. Al-anon tools? What al-anon tools?
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Are you asking "at what point is it okay to move on" for you or for your sis-in-law? If its for her sake, then its none of your business. That's the bottom line. Nobody can know everything that goes on in a relationship except for the 2 people involved. As for what tools... Live and Let Live would be a good one for all 3 of those questions. Focus on your own recovery, rather than theirs, would be another one. Detachment with Love would be a big one to use. The 3 C's. Boy, the more I think, the more I find. LOL
Is it possible Lou hon that you are projecting your own feelings about your own situation onto bro and sis-in-law and their kids?? If so, cut it out! LOL (said laughingly but actually seriously too).
Some people can live with this disease. Some can accept the limitations involved when you are living with an A. Then there are others who find that they don't want to have less than a "whole" life, which they feel is impossible with an A. It's all an individual choice.
One last question for you. Are you only worth being loved if there is no one else available for your significant other to love? Shouldn't it be that you should be loved regardless of how many other people are standing in the wings... that those people shouldn't matter at all?
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Kismet said it all , also its ok to call your brother and tell him you love him. There is no harm in that, but you can also tell him until he gets help you can't have a relationship with him. Everyone has their boundaries about what they will take and what they won't , its ok to move on anytime. My brother moved on after 25 years of marriage to an Alcoholic. There is no time limit. Luv, Bettina
Right or wrong your sis in law has to do what is in her mind, in her time, best for her.
I know my marriage ended about 14.3/4 years before I finally got him out. (WE were married 15 years) Perhaps she has been needing a friend for a long time or perhaps she is making a mistake or both-either way it's her's to do-hope you will stay close to her regardless, I would love to have a sister and law and 5 little ones to be close to. Just my view-take what you like leave the rest.
Love and hope for happiness!
oh one more thing, I have a strong protective side for my baby brother too-it's bitten me more than once- I get all overly caring and in his business and then find out he is all messed up on his end and I was defending / or trying to protect him when he really needed to deal with the results of his own behavior.
Wonder why men get so much "protection" from sisters and mothers- I can't see my brother or dad getting all wired about any of my relationships but man can mom's and sisters get all worried about the guys???? I have really spent way to much time thinking about my brothers love life and the choices he makes and who I wish he would choose> he tends to choose the independent women with emotional baggage (like I've chosen men) and then complain when she isn't warm and loving (like I do with men???)
As I read it the situation is simply a resistance to change. His life, her life and your life and everyone involved is changing and the lubrication? alcohol. There were good stuff in the past and you have hopes and dreams and fantasies about how things are supposed to work, "THE DREAM". Coming to grips that one of the things alcohol is "is a solvent" it can dissolve most everything it comes into contact with is not easy to accept especially if one of those things is your expectations, dreams and family. However that is just ONE of the things it does. Remember the disease is fatal. It dissolves all life unless completely arrested and still there will be irrepairable damage. That is why a Higher Power is so very necessary for me, to keep me standing while this disease tries to take me down and out and put me in a box.
Changing is moving on. Going to Al-Anon is moving on...out of the past and into today with either the courage or dread that there will be a tomorrow. How we work this miraculous program today helps us to move away from the tears of yesterday, the joys of today and the hope for tomorrow.
Keep coming back. Take care of your side of the street and turn the rest of the neighborhood over to your HP.
(((((hugs)))))
Of course sharing what you are doing for yourself and your ESH also helps others including your sister-in-law.
detachment. what is yours (Lou's)? does your brother/s-n-l 's relationship concern you? why? should it? if i were feeling these kinds of feelings (and I do from time to time), i find that i really need to focus on me, my life, my issues, my happiness. other people are not mine to control or manipulate (into what my version of right or wrong may be)... i need my motives to only encompass my path.
sharing love and esh, and doing 12th steps are all i can do to help my loved ones... they need to learn by making their own mistakes and/or walking whatever path their Higher Power deems necessary.
why does it all bug you? maybe it is because you think you could fix it all, given the opportunity... get your brother back in for another shot at the title... save him from his bottom? save the youngsters from feeling their bad feelings? etc, etc, etc, etc.... what bugs you, Lou? can you find your way to the center of that issue?
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I think it is a little about you, and your co dependency, and also about your own situation with your AH and his affair. It is also about your love for your brother.
Your sister in law has to do what she feels is best for her. Hopefully, family members have not influenced what your nieces and nephews feel for their father.
I am ACOA, and I can recall times where my moms family members did have an influence on my feelings for my father. We were estranged for a period of time. During the last years of his life, the relationship was repaired, and my last words to him were that I loved him.
Regardless of whatever happens, (and you have no control over this as you already know) try to maintain the lines of communication between you and your SIL and also your nieces and nephews. This was an important reason why my father and I reunited.
Praying for you.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Speaking as someone who stuck around until I was almost moribund I think its good to have your needs up there. As a codependent I tend to try and try and try. I also over commit. I think those of us who over commit tend to be a bit judgmental of those who can't.
If your brother gets sober he will have a chance at getting to be a father to his children.
There is no assuming this is going to be her next relationship. Some of us project that just because we over commit others do too.
I really try these days not to focus on how I want to fix/help others and work on myself. If I am a independent human being I'll have more opportunity to help in ways that are respectful.
If I reach out to anyone now its with lots of boundaires. So if you are going to reach out to your brother I'd urge you to think of your boundaries first, what are they, what is your limit, work on that and then if you really have to reach out with boundaries and clear expectations. For some of us softening the blow for others is compulsive behavior.
I move on when HP moves me on, that is all I know!! HA! Sure, I want to move on all the time- its called running away for me- HA! MUCH much different from when HP actually moves me on...Hugs, J.
Thanks for the honesty. I was battling in my head and heart what I want and think should be vs what is right and true. I posted hoping you all would help weigh the scale down toward the latter, and you didn't disappoint. Lots to think about. Unfortunately, I think I may be using this situation as a distraction from my own disaster that is going on. I feel like I can't save my marriage and family unit, but they still have hope. Of course, that is from my perspective only, and it is not my job to fix it!
Last night when I said goodbye to my nephews and nieces, in our little I conversation I said to the older ones when I hugged them, "...Love your Daddy. You don't have to like him right now or accept what he does, but you can still love him. He is sick and we need to keep praying he gets help so he can get better. Miracles happen every day. You know he still loves you very much...." FWIW....
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hi Loupi. I do not like this, "It is none of your business" phrase that is so easily bandied about. It is your brother; you love him; he is ruining his life and lives around him; you care about all this. There is no way in the world it can be brushed aside with, "It is none of your business." What an irksome answer!!!
If you feel you might successfully do so, it is ok to move on. Moving away from a loved one is so difficult because we know that person will no longer be a part of our lives. Perhaps, in the future, you can bring him back, and there is always that hope. But sometimes moving on becomes our savior from pain and anguish. I know it is hard. I have been trying to do it for a long time.
You ask, "When is it ok to move on?" It's ok when your survival becomes more important than worrying about a situation over which you have no control. I wish you well Loupi. I wish you happiness and peace no matter your decision.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
