The material presented
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I went to a f2f meeting over the weekend and....as I was listening, a powerful thing came over me. Numerous shares were about how (they) were staying with their A because they "love them so much." It occurred to me, that I stayed with my A for 26 years....in a crazy, painful relationship....for 26 years!!!!....I remember saying the exact same thing...."but I love him."
Also over the weekend, someone at work asked me, "How can a marriage end after 26 years??? You think you would've had everything figured out by then," she said.
The experiences this weekend have helped me to see the deeeep denial....how I was too addicted to him to leave...how FEAR kept me in it...and how I just didn't know how to take care of myself. I just didn't know.
I'm thinking of a song by Keb Mo, "That's not love....love don't feel that bad."
It's painful to see my part, and I feel disappointed in myself, but....I guess... I thank God I see it today.
I like something I read here recently....the only thing worse than staying with him for 26 years.... is staying with him for 27.
Thanks for being here with me.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
right on Glad, I found myself there also. I now substitute the word "accept" for "love" when I think/feel about love. If I can HONESTLY say I accept you 100%, then that is unconditional love and that is the only kind of love I am interested in these days. If someone can say that they accept me 100% as I am, then that is unconditional love and that is what I not only WANT, its what I NEED- hugs and walking right there next to you, J.
Is it love or my codependency....I have asked myself that too, so many times. I know I am codependent because now our lives are totally ensnared, at least from a financial perspective. Funny how I let myself become totally dependent on his income to the point where I cant get out. I would like to believe that if I could leave, I would, but there is that little part of me, or maybe its bigger than I know, that fears I would stay. This way of life has become my norm, and I dont know how well I would function without the predictability of its unpredictability. In reading your post, I got the impression that you either have left your A or are in the planning stages of leaving. Either way, I have to say, I admire your strength and courage, and secretly hope that some rubs off on me. Good luck in your endeavors! jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
It's both... I am detaching from my spouse now. I love this man with all my heart, but it's my co-dependency that is making myself sick, and continuing to enable his alcohol/drug addiction... take care of yourself. It's been hard, especially since I have had to endure him sobbing at my feet to let him back in... I still told him no...it hurts, but I have to be mentally and physically well, and if I continue to enable my AH, then I will go down the drain with him... I am better than this... you are too. Take control of your happiness...
Well, I think that its NOT love for me- if I cannot accept a person and if they cannot accept me, warts and all, I cannot love them and they are not in love with me. If my acceptance is conditional then so is my love and that is no good. Conditional "love" is what I was born and raised in and it sucked! Conditional "love" is manipulative and an addiction/disease that seeks another diseased person in order to get the 'high". J.
Very thought provoking post.... for anyone who is struggling with this issue, I would encourage you to Google the words "toxic love" and read the lists and the astounding differences between "real love" and "toxic love". Then see which list best suits our current situation and relationships....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Lots to think about here. For me, I've always loved the man. I knew the man well before we knew he had a disease. I have seen and still see the other side of him. So I love my husband, but hate the disease. I stay because I know for the most part it is a happy marriage. Sure there are challenges, and at times I second guess myself. Usually once I make my gratitude list, I realize that all will be okay. I don't know if I am going to lose him to this disease. I hope and pray not. That is between him and his HP. Am I a co-dependent? Sure to a certain extent. I have asked him to leave in the past. Will I die if I ask him to leave again? No. I know I can survive. So it's probably a combination of both.
It comes down to the quality of life we are living. Sure we are struggling: financially (who isn't in this economy?), he has his addiction and I'm dealing with issues at work. When I take a good hard look at it, it's not as bad as sometimes I think it is. We have a roof over our head. We have food. We have Pipers. We have each other. So I am incredibly blessed. For others out there, they may not be so lucky. So we choose another path, by leaving the A. That's okay too. Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve.
We all come to Alanon because we are sick in some way and want recovery. What is amazing to me is how different and yet so alike we are. No matter if we choose to stay or leave, the journey is the same. We seek to get better. That astounds me. A program in which people who come here are in trouble, and yet make this amazing healing journey. We get better and stronger. How lucky are we. Whatever decision you make, we will always be here for you. We have your back. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I dunno that I quibble any more about what is real love. For me I "attach" very quickly. I can love lots of people the issue for me is can I love me at the same time. A friend of mine recently said that she felt the A did love me at some point. I mean that's not that relevant when that same person is going out and crashing all the vehicles and spending every penny on drugs. Love didn't cure addiction. If it did none of us would be here.
My own self love is the issue. Can I love myself more.
Please put down the stick. Whatever long the relationship was it was and is signficant in your life. I don't believe its easy to "leave" anyone.
I do know that when I didn't leave the A, I lost myself. I lost my sense of self esteem and I lost my ability to function at certain points. Not everyone does that.
There are theories of loving too much and love addiction that I've found helpful. Pia Melody has a great book on love addiction that I've found resonated with me. Nevertheless for me its a combination of lots of issues I deal with my own codependence and many other issues. I don't think any of us are cookie cutter or there is a great way to leave. Some people do manage to leave without too much chaos, they can stay civil and clear no matter what. I'm working on being more boundaried and civil to everyone these days. I can't say it is easy. I find it very difficult to be boundaried just with myself.
I used to put a lot of stock on how long a relationship lasted and whether it was committed. Now I"m looking at I get committed way way way too early. If I can date for a while that's what's important to me. Everything in me wants to run out and get married tomorrow and be happy ever after.
For now being on my own and working out boundaries is where I need to be, it might not be where I want to be but its where I need to be.
