The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How long does it take to be happy again after recovery? My daughter is doing well and working the program but she is really unhappy. She is committed to staying sober but cries a lot because she feels like she is faking her way through the day. She is hoping as she moves through the steps, this will come, but I worried it may not. She fills her days from morning to night because she is afraid of being by herself. She said people have talked about this at the meetings and sometimes you have to fake your way through happiness to get through the program. She has been sober for three months now. Is this a normal feeling and will she start feeling better soon? Is it normal to look like you're doing well but inside you feel miserable?
Just my e, s, & h - several A's and Al-Anon's seem to recover a lot of their happiness, joy and love for life after they have worked their 4th & 5th step.
Maybe some of that will help her ease her burdens.
It is awesome that she is "fake it til ya make it" - sometimes without knowing it - the true happiness will come and we will not have to fake it any longer.
Wishing your daughter continued growth and peace in her recovery
Prayers of comfort for you as you let her walk her path (geez that's hard for us moms lol)
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Although each person is on their own path and there is no hard and fast rule, I have heard that it takes about 6-12 months before one starts thinking sober, and about two years before one believes they can actually be happy living sober. I've read over and over again that the first two years of sobriety can seem worse than the drinking years. In my situation, I see the truth in that. My soon-to-be AH has been in intensive treatment for 8 months now, and the perpetual grimace on his face is just starting to fade.
Yay for your daughter. Hang in there.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
As she hangs with the "winners" in AA and takes the suggestions while working this program she will experience real miracles and only one of them is freedom from dispair and fear. One of the suggestions is that she get a sponsor and around other "old time" continuous sober people so that she can get what they have including "happiness" which is an "inside job". She already has what it takes to recognize it however she has to peel off the layers of negative emotions and thoughts to be able to let her spirit fly.
When you get shakey about her condition and recovery I suggest that you do the very same thing. You cannot be her sponsor and when you worry about her getting sobriety that is when you loose your hope and happiness and dabble in fear and dispair. Al-Anon got our twelve steps and traditions and slogans directly from AA. It is the same program with the same focus (us) and the same consequences. It was started by the wives of the founders of AA...Lois and Ann and is over 60 years old. It has saved the lives of thousands of family, friends, spouses and associates of alcoholics including their minds, bodies, spirit and emotions. Same suggestions same walk slightly different street. They get sober...we get serenity. Same "God as I understand God" or Higher Power.
Try once to change the direction of your focus on your alcoholic and turn it towards the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups. There is alot here that results in your happiness whether your daughter is still drinking or not. It is okay not to worry and fret about the alcoholic. There really isn't a law that says that when they are not doing well we are supposed to not do well either. Two different children of God. Worrying with them and for them is not love or hope it's a sign of my powerlessness. Turn her over and accept her for exactly who and where she is...that is love.
Keep coming back and hope to someday meet you in the rooms of Al-Anon.
Wow - I cried after reading your responses. I dont know how to move on unless she is happy. I worry everyday and her mood dictates my mood. Even though she is working so hard in this program, it's a lot to undertake for a seventeen year old. She does have a sponsor and goes to meetings each week, but I think time and lots of reflection is the only cure for her. When Lou said 6-12 months, possible 2 years, I thought, I dont know if she has the patience to wait that long.
I know I need support - my own daughter has said I need to talk to someone. I think I stress her out because of the way I hover over her. I went to a Al-Anon meeting a couple of months ago and I really did not like it. I just havent had the courage to try again.
Thank you for your responses - they were very helpful
Hi Hopeful.... I would strongly encourage you to read the "Getting Them Sober" books, written by Toby Rice Drews.... Volume one is the key one, but there are also other ones that deal with new recovery, children who are alcoholics, etc.... In a nutshell, these books teach us that:
"if you REALLY love your A, then get yourself healthy".....
If you can choose recovery for yourself, things will start getting better from within.....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know I cry for so many reasons. I cry when I am happy. I cry when I am sad. I cry when I am relieved. I cry when I am frustrated and want to bite someone's head off. For me, it's truly a wonderful release.
I know when I first started alanon, I cried a lot too. There were so many realizations! I wasn't alone any more (AND I SWORE I WAS). I cried because I thought my life was so bad and then I heard others stories that made my worries pale in comparison.
It's like peeling back the layers of an onion. Each time you peel a layer, you are exposing the newer layer that is soft, tender and vulnerable. It's frightening.
As has been suggested. Get to a meeting. There are the 4 G's that alanoners can do:
4 Gs Get off her back; Get out of her way; Give her to God; Get to a meeting yourself.
Alanon suggests you try at least 6 different meetings to see if there's one that will fit you. Children watch our actions rather than listen to our words. If you are getting to meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, your example will be more powerful to your daughter than anything you could ever do. And you are so worth it, as is she.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
