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Hello, This is my first post, though it shouldnt be. I have quietly been reading posts for about a year now, and finally got up the strength to post for myself. My story is not so different than anyone else's. The only thing that makes it unique is that it is mine. I have been with an active A for over six years now, living together for almost 4. Every time he drinks, I lose a little more of myself. Obviously there are so many other issues that go along with life with an A, but for me, the biggest issue is trust. My AB cannot go more than a couple of weeks without drinking. When we first got together, it was beer, and very large amounts of it, every day. Now that he is "doing better" he has switched to pints of vodka every few weeks. Maybe its just me, but I dont think that thats "doing better". I always feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, so much so that I almost always feel relieved when he drinks...at least then I know I will have a few days/weeks until it happens again. This past 4th of July weekend was a HUGE wake up call for me. I met my AB at his parents house for a cookout and upon my arrival, a mere 20 minutes after his, found him completely out of it. Of course I was angry as he vehemently promised he would not drink and to show him that I had faith in him and his promise (none of which he has ever kept), I had allowed him to drive my brand new Jeep to the cookout, and I got dropped off there. I immediately told his family I was leaving, and they of course did not want him there and persuaded him to leave with me. He had almost gotten in a fist fight with his brother in law. On our drive home, he was in and out of consciousness, or whatever you call it when they pass out intermittently. My only concern at that time was getting home safely. He was angry and belligerent in the car and kept trying to grab the steering wheel and forcing the car into oncoming traffic. I can honestly say that during those ten minutes of his insanity, I felt like he would kill us. I managed to pull the car over safely and immediately burst into tears. My body was shaking so badly, I didnt know if I could safely drive home. I did, and when we got home, he couldnt even walk he was that drunk. I didnt help him and he ended up falling flat on his face, which required a trip to the ER for some stitches and x-ray. I pleaded with the DR. to keep him over night as I didnt feel safe or comfortable with him coming home. He didnt keep him past midnight, apparently even with a blood alcohol content of over 400, he was sober enough at that time to feel humiliated and coherent enough to be released. I made him walk home from the hospital and now here we are. He made an appt. 4 days later with an outpatient program and now he is gone to his second group meeting. He keeps telling me that that man that night was not him and that he is so ashamed, and forgive my sarcasm here, but ya know, blah, blah, blah, and he doesnt seem to understand that that man that night WAS him, or at least a part of him. I have read here that when you arent sure what to do, then do nothing. I dont know what it is I have to do, but I am quite sure it ISNT nothing. I dont have the resources to leave as his disease has inflicted one on me and I am currently awaiting a hearing for disability benefits. Someone once told me that its not so much about the addict reaching their bottom as it is about ourselves reaching ours. I know I have hit my bottom, as now I dont trust him at all and the fact that he was so out of control he was not aware of how he endangered our lives that day. Obviously, this is not the first bad incident or the first broken promise/lie that he has bestowed on me. I am just not sure when the right time to give up hope is. I love him, and obviously there are so many good qualities to him or I wouldnt still be here. I just feel there was a line crossed and the bulb went off in my head...anyway, anything anyone can say here would help me so much. I know I am not alone, yet I feel I am. Seeking peace, liljeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
There is always hope, I have been married to the A for 26 years, thru good times, lots of bad times, lots of tears and more. Today he is sober a month, he has never been sober in our marriage, only for a year and that was long ago. Its great to love somebody, but first we have to love ourselves and we cannot be forever rescuing the A(and by the way don't ever let him drive your vehicle again) I'm going to go over the boring details of living with an A, I have kicked the A out so many times and we actually separated once for about 6 months, he still kept drinking. What seems to get an A thinking about quitting is consequences. In 26 years the A still had his job, his marriage, he never got a DUI and drove drunk a lot, on top of this he had a heart attack,liver damage, he managed to have an affair that resulted in twins, which he pays for monthly, but has no contact. One time I gave his plate # to the police, that didnt even do anything , the affair thing was 4 years ago, one time he was laying in the street on a busy highway, police picked him up , sent him to er, think the police beat him up and broke two ribs. That didnt stop him. The paramedics have been frequent visitors at our house, he has been to detox three times, rehab and AA a few times, Still didnt stop, he came out of detox last month, started drinking again, landed in ER three times, one for falling over the stair railing and hitting the floor and breaking a rib again, he doesnt remember it. The Dr. at the Er tried to put him in a 30 day program, he walked out of the hospital, I found him, picked him up, drove by an AA that I know of, I opened the door , saw two AA's standing there and told them this man needs your help, they came over and talked to him the A started crying and he said he would go to a meeting, that nite he got in the car drunk, was arrested for DUI, 100,000. bail because he hit another car. It finally happened a big consequence, he also got suspended from his job, another consequence, he had to get a lawyer, $5000. from his account, not to mention, $10,000. bail of which he still has $5000. to pay, another consequence, Did he go back to AA, you bet he did, and he has been sober.He still has to go before the judge, he may have his license suspended, do community service, who knows. Why did I tell you all this, because its not until they have consequences, do they begin to think about quitting and sometimes not even then, some A's have had 4 or 5 DUI's, sometimes death is their bottom. You have to know how serious this disease is. You can't stop it or cure it and didnt even cause it. All I can say is get out of the Alcoholics way so he can hit his bottom, who knows when that is. Its up to you to make the decision if you want to be in his life or not, but Al-anon will help you whether he is or not, because the affects of being with an alcoholic will touch you for a long time.Take care of you, put yourself first above all and keep coming back, because the tools of Al-anon work if you work it. Luv, Bettina
You are right at the door of your first face to face meeting. Reading your post I am convinced you are qualified to be in the program and I am sure that you see it that way also. So next step? Go locate the hotline phone number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area and find out when the next meeting is. Go in, all the way in, take a seat introduce yourself (they will already know alot about you already...because they have been or are there also) and open your mind and listen. Suggestion? Do as many meetings as you can one day at a time over the next 90 days. See what happens then and make decisions bases upon what you learn at that time. Simple just needs a comittment and real courage to do. You are not alone. This program is in every major country on this planet. Is alcohol, alcoholism a problem in life?
Just an encouraging word from another member.... keep coming back. Give yourself time to go through all of the emotions, and make no decisions for right now. Even though you have been dealing with him for a while, you have now opened a new door in the chapters of your life. You never know where this might lead you. Try to stay focused on YOU - not him. He needs to figure things out for himself.... and working this program, you will begin to understand that. It does take some time to sink in, but really and honestly, it DOES work. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.... and there is a reason that you were able to steer the car away from oncoming traffic. You are strong, have faith in yourself. You'll be O.K.,,, just take things "one day at a time".
Thank you to all of you who read and responded to my first post. Reading your responses actually made me cry. It is such a relief to have a place to go where people can understand how this all feels. These past 9 days have been such an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. Since my post this morning, I have been making a list of boundaries which I explained to my ABF. I now feel more comfortable having established this list. It almost feels like a cocoon. He now knows there will be consequences to his every action and he will be held accountable for them. I feel so proud of ME right now! Again, thank you to all of you. I am learning every minute of every day, and I will keep coming back to learn more. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
No one can predict what an active A will do. I am glad you have boundaries and consequences. A's tend to live in a lot of denial. I had to deal with an A who drove recklessly and my nerves were completely shot because of it. I hope you will consider not letting him drive your car for a while.
I am glad your A has sought treatment, admitting they have a problem on whatever level is significant.
Many A's have a hard time taking responsibility for their behavior. My issue is that I would be responsible for him. I cushined the landing for many years. Nevertheless the kinds of consequences the A who I was with had did nothing to curtail his using. He used and used till he was homeless. There is no logic to their obsession with using.
I really have to work on the three C's. that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. One of my sisters is an alcoholic and I am working on what kind of a relationship I can have with her. I don't think it will be anything more than perfunctory.
This is indeed a wonderful place, full of resources, full of support, care and understanding. You are very welcome to come here and read and report how you are doing. We look forward to getting to know you.
For me hope was like a strangling rope around my neck with a brick at the other end in very deep water. I don't think it's about giving up hope it's about seeing reality. The reality is ... do you love him just the way he is? If the answer is no then that's that. One thing I learned is not to be with someone in the hope that they will become someone else, they are what they are. Sure change can happen but from my experience it doesn't very often.
