The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi. i've begun considering going to an al-anon meeting, and seeing if it applies to my situation... so maybe i can get some feedback here too.
i'm 24. almost a year ago, i met a recovering alcoholic/addict. he's very open about these things. we became friends, and within about 2 months we were dating. after a few weeks, he told me that he couldn't get in 'too deep' or serious, as he was still in his first year of recovery and he was afraid of getting into high emotion situations that could lead to relapse. i was disappointed but respected this- clearly his survival is dependent on his recovery. we had some space for a little bit... but very soon we were hanging out again, then more and more often... there were a few bumps along the way, but we always had an amazing time togeher. we were, by all accounts, a 'couple,' he was just skitzy about the title business- typical guy, right?
then, lets just say it went to hell, around the end of january. he suddenly/without warning ended up with another girl, i ended up heartbroken.
he lasted with her about a month- then came crawling back to me.
i was incredibly skeptical and cautious at first. i even found it hilarious that he'd contacted me, thinking i'd have any interest in even speaking to him. unfortunately though, i do love him, and its difficult to continuously turn down someone you love. we started seeing each other again and it was as wonderful as before- he was really aggressive, calling me every day, being attentive, sweet, basically being the person i fell for- until he suddenly began withdrawling again. when i finally confronted the situation after about 2 weeks, he said it wasn't because of another girl- but we'd gotten too close, it scared him, and he basically ran away.
he blames this classic 'fear of commitment' on his addictions. a mental health professional i've consulted has explained that this is pretty typical behaviour of an addict- they fear caring about someone, because that gives them the power to hurt them- thus making them vulnerable to relapse. he was pushed into his darkest years of addiction when his fiance left him a few years ago... so you can see how this would be especially relevant.
i'm wondering if anyone else struggles with someone in recovery in this way. its really interfering with my life because i love him so tremendously- but i recognize that that is my 'problem' that i need to take control of, which is what brought me here. i've looked up some al-anon meetings and there are plenty- i'm thinking about going to one tomorrow. is my situation relevant to the group?
If yu want to pursue this relationship my answer would be yes , Al-Anon would make a big difference in yur life my husb has been sober for 19 yrs now i still attend reg meetings as it is for me my life, and how tomake it better . Two people in a program have a better chance of making a realationship work (jsut my opinion ) . why he does what he does only he knows and it is a waste of time trying to figure then out . u will never truly understand him and his disease what matters is that u understand why u do what u do in the relationship . good luck Louise
Yeah, you need al anon and here is one good reason why: His fiance did not push him into his addiction and your relationship with him would not make him relapse: HE has a DISEASE that pushes him into his addiction and makes him relapse as a symptom of this disease- it has nothing to do with any of the women in his life!!!
I hate to break this to you but you are simply not that powerful of a force next to the chemical/substance of choice, especially.
YOU are addicted and have the addiction/disease also: to HIM! This is why we need al-anon- good luck and hugs, J.
Go to a meeting! It is very rewarding! I'm so glad I went to my first meeting over the weekend... Talk about walking away feeling empowered and reassured!
YOU are addicted and have the addiction/disease also: to HIM! This is why we need al-anon- good luck and hugs, J.
this is definitely true. i LOVE him. i'm addicted to the way he makes me feel. then when it comes crashing down, it's nearly devistating.
i've learned some about the program through him, its something i've tried to understand as part of his life. i've been to a meeting with him, read, of course talked about it with him. but i'm at a total standstill right now, lost on what i need to do- move on and eliminate him from my life, permanently, or refuse to give up. i guess its basically between- it really IS his disease causing the disfunction, or, some combination of he just doesn't care about me the way he seems to when things are 'good.'
thanks everyone. i guess it can't hurt to hit a beginners' meeting tonight. :)
In spite of our age when we arrive we do find answers for those struggling with this disease. Nothing you listed came as a surprise as it's all so common behaviors of the Alcoholic/addicted person. When I first arrived I couldn't figure out why I needed a program just because they had a problem. This is designed to help family and friends of those afflicted with this disease. Whether I wanted to admit it or not there were two things I needed to realize, one why was I attracted to someone with such serious emotional issues and two how could I stay healthy while living with the insanity. Many have come to realize they were exposed to or perhaps lived in families with these unhealthy patterns growing up. Realize we qualify to become a members even if we are no longer together at the time, as there are answers we need addressed, otherwise we continue the pattern of finding the same type of person time and time again. The program I found was more for me to stay sane and understand what I could do by hearing and listening to others who had walked in my shoes previously to my arrival. I began to learn from their examples of how to live healthy in spite of the crazy making going on around me. It's worth a try, you deserve to know what real love consists of, not what someone afflicted by such a manipulative and conning lifestyle tells you love is. We have everything to gain and nothing to lose by trying the program.
My recommendation is the same one I pass on to all newcomer's that come to the meetings I attend. Give us a minimum of 6 successive meetings and then decide whether or not it is for you.
I thank my higher power daily for leading me to Al-Anon for it has made me a much happier person. I attend as many meetings as I feel I need to and not necessarily all Al-Anon. I also occasionally attend open AA meetings because it gives me a view into the other side of the fence.
I recently had a long talk with a member of AA who has 35 years sober. He told me that he insists that all of the men he sponsor's to attend at least one Al-Anon meeting per month. He believes as I do that we can all learn to much from each other and even though they are in AA they as we are dealing with friends who are alcoholic's and they affect their lives as well.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Absolutely, positively, exactly what Jean said. Get yourself to a meeting and then get to another and then another and keep going until you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt it is where you belong. God luck, and keep us posted!
