The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just found this place from a search engine after having one of the worst days of my life. My live-in boyfriend of ten years is an alcoholic, and has gotten progressively more moody and unpredictable over the past year and a half. Today, he got so mad at me and his kids (13 and 19) that he scared us all by smashing a dresser to pieces, getting in all our faces in a threatening manner, and brandishing loaded weapons, among other behaviors. He has broken things before, but he has never been this violent or cold. It was like seeing a stranger, someone I had never seen before and certainly would never let into my home if I did not know him. The kids and I spent the day driving around, trying to get our bearings. Now I am here with the door locked, crying my eyes out, knowing full well that this is abuse but not wanting to throw him out just yet. When I came back home after first driving around, after having dropped the kids off at a friend's house to keep them safe, I thought he would have cooled off as he usually did. But he was even more mad. As I sat in the back yard trying to think of what to do next, he came over and invited me to call the cops on him. When I said no, he started throwing his pocket knives at the ground, then dialed 911 with my cell phone. I hung up. Then he came out with a loaded rifle in a threatening way, saying I should tell the police when they came that he had a loaded weapon. He was like those abusive men on Cops, not the usually loving and protective boyfriend I thought I knew. It was so bizarre I still don't know what to make of it. Needless to say, I took off again. I finally came home, and he is moody but not overtly scary. So I locked myself in my bedroom with the phone (we have four bedrooms, he said he will sleep in another room). Then I found this site. I know I should just kick him out, since I own this house. But we live an hour away from his job, and he has no vehicle. So I don't know what to do yet. I may attend a local Al-Anon meeting this Tuesday if I can muster the courage.
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"I can resist everything except temptation."--Oscar Wilde
((((LostGirl)))) -- these are cyberhugs, by the way....
In Alanon, we're not supposed to give advice, but share our experience, strength and hope - ESH.
But if you feel threatened and in danger I have to say, take action now. A locked door will not stop a loaded rifle.. and violence can only escalate. Please make sure you have a way out.
You're a part of our MIP family, whether you've been here for a decade or a minute, and you'll find people here who will love and accept you for who you are. Please, please, please stay safe and take care of yourself. And keep coming back.
I agree with Linda, you should not allow yourself to remain in danger. If he is threatening you with guns, you must to think only of your safety.
I will pray that you do get the courage to attend an Al Anon meeting. We also have online meetings twice a day. Just click on the link on the MIP home page. In between meetings there is online chat.
I urge you to get some help for yourself. You are in a dangerous situation. I am worried for your safety. It is not OK when someone threatens you with a loaded gun.
Take Care of Yourself .
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Welcome to MIP. I came here many years ago, a lot like you did, out of desperation.
Many of us have been pulled into the pit with an addicted person. We start becoming dull in awareness of the danger we are in. This is how many innocent people end up physically damaged the rest of their lives or dead.
I would ask myself, what made me not call the police? If someone came in to your home and did the same thing, I am sure one would be horrified and of course call the police.
I see people asking should they leave their kids with a A who is using. If they came home and the babysitter was drunk, what is the difference, the kids are still in dire danger.
I invite you to ask yourself, what is it in you that would allow this to continue? What makes you not protect you and your home? You wanted the kids safe, but not you???
It is all the addicted ones sickness blinding us to all the horrible drama.
When we do not call the police/sheriff for help, we are O K ing the behavior.It will happen again and life could easily be lost.
It sounds to me your A is crying out for help. He wants this stuff to end. When we do not call the police we are allowing the disease to get even a stronger hold on our A. They need to answer for the behavior. We rob them of the opportunity to get sick enough to get help.
Being an addict does not cause abuse. People abuse becuz they are abusers. Using only clouds their minds and lessens their inhibitions.
We have to protect ourselves from our very sick A's we love. The A that loved you would never want you to go thru this.
I contacted a womens group for abuse. Learned a lot and i am sure it saved my life. You A has dragged out weapons, he begged to be taken away,.What are you waiting for? To use them?
He is sick and not in control. This is very serious, please take care of you.
Just some experience from a recovering male member of MIP and both the AFG and AA...you are well past the point of second guessing what will happen next or maybe a miracle will happen. Miracles do happen but before during and after the better consequences come from doing the right thing. Read your post again as if you were someone else and ask yourself what suggestions you would give to that person posting. What ever the reason he is acting out like this can wait for an answer. Doing the next right thing is a now action. The Al-Anon family groups have been around for a long long time and will continue to be around. Waiting till Tuesday to see if a meeting will help you might be a good idea for a less serious condition and from my experience in this program and as a alcohol/substance abuse counselor with experience with males in an Alternative to Violence program you need safety immediately!! First things first (one of our slogans) is get help now. Call someone who is in the position and awareness to help you save your life is at the other end of your telephone. If you are in a locked room you may think you have locked him out and you have also locked yourself in. If he is "showing arms" and giving you instructions about what to tell the police or such he is right on the edge. If you find that he is getting worse when you leave and come back...it is also getting worse for you. Take yourself out of harms way as fast as you can. Don't let fear paralyze you. You got your children to a safe place now get yourself there also. It doesn't matter who owns the house. That doesn't even figure into the equation when the abuser is borderline. You are describing a person that is legally insane.
You will get answers to the problem later...if you stay alive.
Check back with MIP later.
Praying you act in your own behalf.
(((((hugs)))))
PS. I have worked with men who went on to kill their partners under the same conditions you have described here.
There is excellent advice here. From a woman who had to deal with a violent/abusive A husband, love yourself first and most! Put yourself first. Hugs, J.
you are in a dangerous situation. Usually the A's voilent behavior becomes worse over time. My A's behavior became worse over time. It started with breaking a phone, breaking into my house several times, flooding my car with water, pulled a gun on me. I hope you can get to a save place and save your life. I have had to call the police because that was my only choice to be safe. Please take care of yourself and the kids.
I am sorry to hear this. Sounds like your A had a total melt down. Many of us here feel like we are responsible for the A's behavior as you do.
My first suggestion would be for you to call a battered womens shelter and make a plan for yourself. Can you get the documents you might need if you have to run ready. Can you make a emergency plan. Can you have your bank card and some essentials on stand by.
I lived with an abusive man for years. He hit me, destroyed furniture and told other people I was the violent one. Many people were confused and irritated that I stayed with him.
Counseling definitely helps when you are being abused. I know it helped me. I also know I felt profoundly attached and responsible for him.
For me personally al anon helped immensely. I learned how to detach, I learned how to put me in the picture. I learned how to start taking care of me.
Obviously you have been through a tremendously trying and awful time. Many of us feel numb after that and can't put one foot in front of the other. You can call a battered womens shelter anytime. You can also of course call 911 but it sounds like your A suspects this. I would not guarantee the police will resolve this issue for you if and when you do call them. That's why its a good idea to start brain storming with a battered womens shelter. You can also brain storm here.
What would it mean if you left your house temporarily? What would you need? What would his children need?
You do absolutely need support, care, underststanding at this difficult time. Would you think about coming to the chat room here daily. There are two meetings a day. You will not meet a more wonderful, warm, understanding group of people than are here in the chat room. You can also come here and post often.
Remember you are not alone. We are here to help, support and care for you at this difficult time. You are worth taking care of. Many of us have been in an abusive relaitonship no one here is going to judge or blame you. Please consider your options, obviously right now you are exhausted. Is there anywhere else you can go to rest. Personally I found it pretty hard to rest after I'd been abused, maligned and accused. I felt on edge 24/7.
Do take care of yourself as best you can. In time, especially with al anon lots of options will fall in place for you and you can make choices that you can live with. .
hi, this is my second time to this website and i seriously need some help! my p/o is making my life miserable even though im doing everything i should be doing.i feel at times like im being harrashed by him.first he calls dfs on me (and the thing about it i was not home when he came to my house to see me,i was taking my son to his doctors appt.),then he follows me to dollar tree store one day and watched me as me and my family shopped,then he jumps on me for my mother having friends in her own home and now he made my kids father get out of our residence or he was going to violate me ,for what i dont know cause we were not doing anything against the law.ive been told i could go to his supervisor but i am in fear of my p/o.cause he is real nasty towards me and my family.please someone help me.i have not done anything wrong and i have alot of counselors who know how hard ive been working at my recovery program. theresa
