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I haven't posted here before and I am hoping to find some support. My husband is an A. I started putting up the boundaries last Sept. Since then he has left me and our two children (5 and 9) twice. All his doing, the aftermath of yet another binge. In Jan. he started anti depressents paxil, said they caused him to crave a drink....He tells me he is in recovery and that he does not want this in his life. He tell me that he expects to have relapses and has had a binge at least every 4-5 weeks since Jan. He had another episode last week just before him and I were going to go on a trip alone together. I saw this one coming. He would sit around the house and be miserable and do nothing. He has been on short term disability since May 22 for depression. As a result of the last binge I didn't go with him on the trip I needed to get my house (life) in order preparing for the final boundary and to stick to it. My 9 year old son told me he doesn't feel safe around dad alone because he is afraid dad will sneek drinks. I have to travel out of town for one sleep with my work this week and the kids just don't want to stay alone with him. I have made arragements to have them stay at grandma's house. He is so angry with me telling my that he needs the kids for support. I tell him that we are all here for support but the kids want another adult around when I am gone. While he was gone I split our finances (he gets back tomorrow night). I was tracking the expenses so that he wouldn't be spending $$ on booze (enabling financially). He was sneeky and lied about cash expenses then would buy himself something to drink. He got caught in his lie and is like a cat in the corner lashing out at me. I have finally reached the last boundary. Do something seriously about this or you have to leave. The problem is that he tells me he is doing something about it and that these are just relapses and they are bound to happen. He doesn't try to make amends or accept the boundaries I have established. He tells me that I am forcing his hand and that he is not going to beat himself up over it. To me this does not seem like acceptance. I guess my question is "what truely is recovery???" Is he really trying or is this just the manipulative A talking??? He has gone to a few AA meetings but tells me that it just is not for him. He has an apt. with a psychologist on Tues. he prefers one on one. I don't know what to believe anymore. I love him dearly but I don't trust him. He is not happy when he is drinking or when he is not. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
You've got the picture clearly!! Good for you!! This disease is considered cunning, powerful and baffling and it is my experience that it is all of that from both sides of the bottle...their side and ours.
The program is a one day at a time program...he is not in program and he is telling you he is a fortune teller with the phrase "There are bound to be relapses". That is a projection and a "set up". He gets to try to set you up after he has already set himself up for that next drink. Its good that your intuition sees thru it stay with your intuition and...go find out where the Al-Anon Family Groups meet so that you can attend and sit down and learn what you need to know from others who have and are learning it.
You are at your bottom...he isn't. He's got miles to go and is telling you about it and you are saying that you want boundaries. Go for the boundaries!! Those boundaries should be for you to keep you inside of recovery pastures and out of doing things that cause you pain and the disease to get even more cunning, powerful and baffling. Sick is a very appropriate discription for the victims of this disease...very sick or insane or dead. The drinking doesn't only kill the alcoholic you have to know that.
So you found MIP. You have found a great starting place and the tap root of most of this recovery is the Worldwide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups where thousands of potential victims have learned to save their own lives and sanity and found a power greater than themself and so much support toward getting their happiness and serenity back. Not all here are in the program; attending meetings, reading the literature, following the suggestions of those who are and who have regained their losses whether their alcoholic is still drinking or not.
I got my life and sanity back thru the rooms of Al-Anon. There are other ways I am sure but for me it had to be the spiritually based 12 step, 12 tradition process of the AFG. I needed to have a power greater than myself and the people who walked the sick path I found myself walking and learned another way of living. That's what worked for me and while I have tried other "services" this is the one I stayed with the longest because it is what worked best for me since 1979. No brag just humility.
Keep coming back and hold on to your honesty and willingness to get things right or "get the bugs out" of the machinery. LOL even got my sense of humor restored.
Thank you for the support. You said something that really struck me is that I have hit my bottom....I never looked at it that way but you are right. I have. I have gone to group meetings then I stopped...I sit here and read many of the posts and relate to them. I admire those who can find serenity living with an active A and just accepting it for what it is. i sit here and wonder why can't I?? Why is it that my boundary is what it is. I so want to believe him but I can't and won't until I see ongoing treatment and sobriety. I can deal with the drunk but the cunning manipulative sober man is the one that I find the hardest. It has taken me a long while to reach this point and I feel I am finally ready. I mean what I say and I say what I mean....finally. I am searching for the courage to maintain this final boundary. He doesn't think he is that bad...and I have sat here all weekend wondering if my boundaries are too harsh. How bad is bad...to me an A is an A there is no measurement.
My recovering AH still doesn't think he was that bad when he was actively drinking. He can't understand why our grown son slept behind a locked bedroom door and urged me to do the same (our son lived with us at the time.) Alcoholism really distorts their reality, and if we aren't careful, it can distort ours too.
You ask "how bad is bad?" From my viewpoint, we get to answer that question. What is bad for you might not be as bad for me, and vice versa. However you define how bad is bad is up to you
After countless years, I finally came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what friends and family members think I should do. I finally began to give myself permission to live on my own terms (set boundaries) and define what I thought was not okay. (Drinking every night, drving drunk, getting a DUI, going to work drunk, not being emotionally available to his family..... and on and on and on. . . . . ) Those things were not okay.
Last year at this time, I moved out into an apartment because I truly thought my husband would never, ever change. I took very few belongings. I slept on an $20 airbed, a cardboard box was my nightstand, and I had one folding patio chair to sit in. Sounds pathetic. But you know what? I was so. . . . . at peace. For once, I didn't have to deal with him coming home drunk; nor did I have to hear the sarcasm, hear lies, and pray that he'd crash on the sofa quickly!
My "apartment days" were heaven. It gave me space to think and figure out what I wanted my life to be like. At night, I would sit out on my small balcony and feel peaceful. I can still recall how it felt to sit there and not worry about him coming through the door at any time and bringing his negativity.
Oops! I'm getting carried away. . .
I just wanted to say that I think we all have the right to set boundaries. We're all not going to share the same boundaries. That's okay. We're individuals.
I've learned to set boundaries, not concern myself with what others might think of me, and give others the right to set boundaries for themselves and I do not have to have an opinion about them.
Jeez......................... I feel this is so disjointed. Perhaps it's the paint fumes getting to me (I've been painting indoors today).
Set boundaries and stick to them... I have come to terms that my AH has not hit HIS rockbottom yet. I'm fed up of his family's opinions, and all of our friends. I am at a point where I kicked him out of the house, and I turned my phone off because I don't want to talk to the outside world. I found peace in small but delightful things this weekend. I have removed the darkness from my surroundings... If you can't find peace in your own home, then something is wrong... I removed the darkness, and now I sleep better.
If love is real, then my husband will clean up his act and come back to me.... This is true love... He is heartbroken over this, but hopefully now he will see that his addiction is causing his problems... Stick to your guns...
If your husband were being sincere, he wouldn't even argue with you... He would just shut up and go to his meetings and you would notice his "urge" to quit and be more involved. It's an attitude and desire... if it's not there, get rid of him and focus on your kids...good luck
Sounds like a tough life. I have found myself really over reacting to people who are in the "poor me's" at the moment. I find it profoundly irritating which I know is all about me.
As someone who finds it very very difficult to determine my own needs its pretty hard for me to say much. I do know that it sounds like you don't have a partnership. Some alcoholics can be functional, some can't.
My needs are currently really up there. I attend to them. I try to work on what will I need.
I know I got into a relationship with an A because I wasn't.
Making a plan be (what would I need if I left) helped me long long long before I left. I got clarity. My plan b was very primitive. I would do a better one now but I no longer live with an A but certanly live around them. More and more every single day I see that expecting very much from an active A is a set up for me. Some people here have loving, generous, kind, warm relationships with an active A. I have not had that experience.
Only you know what your experience is. Certainly I can relate to holding the whole bag. The A I was with denies he left me with that.
I am on the other end, I have left and am dealing with the aftermath. I don't want to kid you that leaving is easy, it isn't. Leaving is an option, staying is an option. You can weigh your options carefully.
I haven't posted here before and I am hoping to find some support. My husband is an A. I started putting up the boundaries last Sept. Since then he has left me and our two children (5 and 9) twice. All his doing, the aftermath of yet another binge. In Jan. he started anti depressents paxil, said they caused him to crave a drink....He tells me he is in recovery and that he does not want this in his life. He tell me that he expects to have relapses and has had a binge at least every 4-5 weeks since Jan. He had another episode last week just before him and I were going to go on a trip alone together. I saw this one coming. He would sit around the house and be miserable and do nothing. He has been on short term disability since May 22 for depression. As a result of the last binge I didn't go with him on the trip I needed to get my house (life) in order preparing for the final boundary and to stick to it. My 9 year old son told me he doesn't feel safe around dad alone because he is afraid dad will sneek drinks. I have to travel out of town for one sleep with my work this week and the kids just don't want to stay alone with him. I have made arragements to have them stay at grandma's house. He is so angry with me telling my that he needs the kids for support. I tell him that we are all here for support but the kids want another adult around when I am gone. While he was gone I split our finances (he gets back tomorrow night). I was tracking the expenses so that he wouldn't be spending $$ on booze (enabling financially). He was sneeky and lied about cash expenses then would buy himself something to drink. He got caught in his lie and is like a cat in the corner lashing out at me. I have finally reached the last boundary. Do something seriously about this or you have to leave. The problem is that he tells me he is doing something about it and that these are just relapses and they are bound to happen. He doesn't try to make amends or accept the boundaries I have established. He tells me that I am forcing his hand and that he is not going to beat himself up over it. To me this does not seem like acceptance. I guess my question is "what truely is recovery???" Is he really trying or is this just the manipulative A talking??? He has gone to a few AA meetings but tells me that it just is not for him. He has an apt. with a psychologist on Tues. he prefers one on one. I don't know what to believe anymore. I love him dearly but I don't trust him. He is not happy when he is drinking or when he is not. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
