The material presented
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Hello everyone....I have been reading and keeping up with the posts everyday, today I feel like I need a little support....
AH decided to "slow down" on his drinking, under his own power. I commend him for this and was (am) very proud of him. Lately though the demons seem to be creeping into my head and when he is working late, I find myself wondering 'Is he really working?', or is he somewhere drinking with the guys. Or if he is helping friends/family do something, it seems to be eating me alive whether or not he is having a beer or not. It makes me sad and then pissy as soon as I see him....like I have already convicted him of drinking. I don't know how to get this under control. Then the other night I came home and a couple of the neighbors were over, "having a beer", I automatically present an attitude. I don't have a clue how many AH has or hasn't had, I just know I'm not happy about it. Last night he tells me "don't be 'that' person", in other words don't pass judgement, I told him "YOU made me this person".
I know he is trying....but I guess I don't feel he is trying hard enough. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to control the situation, which I know is impossible. Actually I think the pissier I get, the more he'll drink.
Please send some ESH my way.....I'd truly appreciate it.
i'm trying hard not to wonder where my recovering A bf is or what he's doing sometimes myself. It's hard for me not to get upset and say something wrong at him and I slipped today. I apologized later. This is really hard for me also. I think I'm that way because I'm used to him leaving, telling me he's going somewhere or doing something and then he ended up going to the bar. I always knew that in advance when he would leave. I guess it is hard to change that behaviour for myself. I'm trying to just believe what he's saying but I do not trust him yet. I would have been upset too if I came home to others being in my house drinking while my bf is trying not to drink. I think that is your right, to be upset. I also feel like my bf made me the person I am today, but I believe his addiction made me the person I am. It is just hard to accept. I nowdays now that lots of times I've tried to control his actions or prevent him from drinking and now I'm learning more about myself and I try not to let things he does bother me too much. You said you think the more upset you get the more he drinks. My bf used to tell me that my being upset made him drink more. But I also know that he was not able to stop after a few, in the end he drank until he passed out or until someone cut him off, at the bar usually.
I don't know if I'm helping much here. I'm confused myself but I hope I helped somehow.
Nobody can control how much the Alcoholic does or does not drink besides himself. I have often heard in meetings that the more we nag them about the drinking the worse we make the situation. It conjures up resentment's that take a long time to get rid of. One thing that helps me tremendously is identifying who's property is who's and this helps me detach from the alocholic's consequences of his actions. Melody Baetty has a fantastic daily reader "The Language of Letting Go" that both of my sponsor's have recommended. The reading of May 13 is about Property Lines and it has taught me how to identify what is mine and what isn't and has helped me detach and mind my own business. I have copied and pasted it below and hope that it will be of as much help to you as it has been to me. Mobirdie
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and posses his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that persons property.
Peoples lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them too. Not us.
Peoples hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people dont like themselves, that is their choice. Other peoples choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isnt ours, we dont take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of whats ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesnt. If its not mine, I wont keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
You know I bring my baggage with me all the time. As a child I so so so craved for someone to rescue me. I bring that into my partnershps in whatever way I am in them. I bring in that needy child. I have a very hard time letting others accept the consequences of what they do.
I have set huge boundaries with the people I live with. I try to be compassionate but I also try to be kind and that's hard. I can be overly kind to others and not kind enough to myself. I can also be angry with others much more comfortably than I can with myself. Whatever is going on with other people for me is usually a manifestation of what is going on for me.
The A who I was with once worked a lot. It is true he could be diligent and hardworking. At the same time, truly his working all hours was a way for him to be off out using. Some of the people he worked with he used with. His uncle was one person who pointed all that out to me. I was willing to hear it from him for whatever reason. I let go eventually of all the a's lies, confabulations and more.I stopped trying to figure them out. I had to get to a point of exhaustion to do that.
It sounds like you are having a hard time, and I am PROUD of you for reaching out... we all need help, at times, and you presented it to people who are "Available". so KUDOS to you.
It also sounds like you may know the answers to your own questions. He is trying to cut down... does that matter, should that matter to how you do/don't behave? TMA, the focus needs to be on us... our own selves. It looks like you have accepted that he has a drinking problem. Maybe, he even understands he has a drinking problem... maybe, but that is not your concern. Focus on you. Like the Serenity Prayer states: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, And, the wisdom to know the difference.
For me, the Courage to Change the Things I Can, 99% of the time meant a change in my thinking and/or attitude.
Now, to address your needs. I've been told many times that there HAS to be some sense of equality in a relationship for it to last. That means, you need to work out a way to cut out this stinking thinking and worry. That just builds fear (fear he is drinking, fear he will backslide, fear he will leave, etc) which is a hugely destructive force in any relationship. Perhaps, though, you can talk openly and honestly (without "pissiness") and set a boundary for the things that irritate and upset you.
It is not too much ask him to give you a phone call out of consideration, when he will be late getting home. You can only ask, though, because he is not yours to control.
It is also not too much to ask him to not drink in the house. It makes you uncomfortable and irritable. The neighbors do not need to come over and drink. You do have a say, as it is your living quarters, and EVERYONE has the right to feel comfortable in their own space. The neighbors can have a beer at their house, and your husband can, too, if that is his wish...
If you communicate with love, and focus on your needs, I guarantee that you will feel better about everything. I would also bet money that he will be better able to understand you and your feelings, which, in turn, can possibly show him how to love you (without drinking)!!!
It all takes time, so, I wish you good luck and lots of patience. Keep reaching out and get to as many face-to-face Al Anon meetings as possible!!! It works! with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I have spent many years doing much the same thing as you describe. Worrying if he is drinking and wasting my life away.
Since becoming involved with Al Anon, I have realized what a waste this is. My AH is going to drink no matter what I do. I find that since I no longer worry about it, I am so much happier with the way my life is going. I even have found that the A and I are getting along much better than we have in years.
In Al Anon we talk about the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Worrying about whether an alcoholic will drink is a waste of my time.
Take some time for YOU.
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Yeah, sometimes I still worry but here is what I do. I just STOP. Period. Literally sit my butt down if I have to and have a talk with myself. Stop that stinking thinking dead in its tracks. This is the beginning of awareness and its a step in the right direction- so it great that you are at least questioning it. Its the beginning of stopping it altogether. Your awareness is increasing and once we become aware, we are winning over the darkness of denial. You deserve to be congratulated- hugs, J.
