The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know this is so wrong, but it's so much easier. Am I the only one? After 29 years of marriage to an active AH I have simply decided that he can just do what he wants. I supply the alcohol (it gets me out of the house), he drinks it, I go about my business as I please (he questions nothing that I do, not that I do anything wrong), I live with it this way, because I no longer want change. The thought of him "waking up" and wanting things to be different is scarier than what I have learned to live with. I know this is bad for him but I gotta tell ya, it has made my life easier. I also know that since I am helping him to slowly kill himself I will end up with the pleasure of caring for an invalid sometime in the future. Sick isn't it.
I think most of us make choices to give in rather than fight it along the way. If it is working for you & doesn't affect your serenity, most ppl wouldn't seek help. Sure you are in a unhealthy relationship.
Al-anon is for anyone affected by another's drinking & this disease is progressive. If you want to make changes, a healthier life for yourself this is a great Program of support & love & ppl who understand.
In my humble opinion, outside of the alanon literature... if you look at nature, you see little changes developing everyday. I do believe it is natural to make gradual changes all the time, just like in nature. This is life, constant changes.
My mother always says, "Pain of growth or the pain of decay. You decide what your life will be but there will always be pain." i try to make changes & grow, sure it hurts but at least I am directing my life, not being used & tossed about by life.
If everything is hunky dory & you are happy, good on you. A big thing many of us here have trouble with, is leading our own lives & not obsessing about the A, it sounds like you are doing that already, excellent, keep it up!
So, my answer is "Yes." We all tolerate things we don't like until we wish to change them.
A friend in recovery, love, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Your not forcing the alchohol down his throat. He can stop if he wants too. Im sorry, but we dont have that much power over anybody else. Its good that you have come to accept the alcoholic and letting him do what he wants, because he is always going to do what he wants anyway. On some level we all fear change, but no matter what we want, change always comes about, because the Universe demands it. Nothing stays the same forever.Luv, Bettina
I sound to me like you have detachment down perfectly! I don't think its enabliing as much as it is detaching. You realize you can change him, and have found your own way of coping with things. I think I might be a bit jealous!!!
Wow, thanks all for your replies, maybe I'm not completely insane. I was thinking (or overthinking as we tend to do) that I had taken controlling to a new level. Which I guess I really have. The poor man is in such complete denial. This way I get to control almost everything, even the remote! Don't get me wrong, he is a good man, treats me like a queen, he just drinks from sunup to sundown, at all times except when he sleeps, which he does more and more. And I know the reason he treats me well is because he knows he's a lucky man to have such a fantastic enabler (maybe he's not in complete denial). Anyway, thanks for the input. (Now the next post will probably tell me that I'm a terrible person for helping him to do this to himself)
(((Marty))) Sorry you are so wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet that got you attention. You were only wrong to think the next post would say you were terrible. That was the last thought on my mind. "Ain't" going to happen on this post. Seriously, without getting into detail you don't know how much your post helped me. I have felt somewhat the same way about enabling, because my AW does not work. I'm not buying it for her myself, but she has to have funds for gas, groceries, etc. I know a percentage of it goes for her drink of choice each day. I had already accepted the fact that she is going to drink each day, and that I had no control over her drinking. But, now I will not have to feel guilty because I know "where" the money comes from. I do not think anyone will say you are terrible, but if they do we will just hand them a pair of our shoes Marty. (((HUGS))) RLC
Alanon is all about taking care of you and getting some kind of peace in the midst of the alcoholic lifestyle. No one here will or should judge you. There's not one of us here that knows how to fix their alcoholic. Far, far from it. We only have tools to fix ourselves because we know the A's are unfixable. To me you are choosing peace instead of creating chaos. You aren't sacrificing yourself to do it. If the easy road is actually the easiest with less stress, by all means take it! You may change your mind someday, and that's OK too.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Well...what I notice is that your post says, you get to do whatever and he doesn't notice--- because I have been there myself I think this is the key you may want to look at... I know I feel so much more responsibility to well,,, be responsible when my A is sober.
I KNOW if there is a reason I have chosen to live with an A that I can put my finger on it would be that I know I don't have to live up to my potential because he's always looking the other way and he can't blame me cuz he is not living up to his potential either.
After 5 years of sitting her in this cycle I've just really noticed this and now I wonder how long it will take me to get busy and make up my mind what I am willing to do about it or if I'm gonna sit for the rest of my life making excuses as to why I didn't get to have a full wonderful productive life.
This is about me, might not be your issue your post just brought it to mind.
Such wonderful insight you have all shared with me, thank you.
Glad, you have verbalized what I have been trying to pinpoint as the unhealthy aspect of what I am doing. The alcoholism is the perfect scapegoat for all the blame, all the excuses. I have taken many steps to live up to my potential but I also find myself thinking, well, since my A is nine years older than me and on the path to premature death (he is 65, I am 56) that I'll have plenty of time to do all the things I want to do when I am a widow. Nevermind that I could go tomorrow!
Thanks for sending me something very wise to consider.
(((Martina))) Accepting the life you have is fine and great. But are you happy in that life? Many of us have had tunnel vision; that is, not seeing a better, happier life outside of the life we were currently living. I chose to change. I chose to say, I am worth a better life... I am worth being happy doing the things that make me happy. Not waiting for "things to happen" to change my life, but changing my attitude and learning about myself and what I CHOOSE to accept.
I hope you keep coming back here and think about the principles and strategies of this program of love and enlightenment.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I used to struggle with that very thing too, with both alcohol and cigarettes. It got to the point where I "refused" to buy them for my ex-wife and told her I would not. But invariably a situation would present itself where I would pick either of those two items up for her. She worked, it wasn't about money, she could afford her own...it was simply a matter of convience that I would buy them for her at times. Had I refused, she would have gotten them herself anyway.
The thing I did wrong for me was to tell her I wouldn't buy them and then do it anyway. It made me feel so weak and powerless. Not powerless over her..which was a given..but powerless over myself. I couldn't make a stand for my own beliefs.
Al-anon has taught me so much about that.
I don't think you are enabling him, so much as choosing the best path for yourself. I don't think that it is a foregone conclusion that he will drink himself to death either. Who knows what will happen with him. People change for their own reasons. Maybe he will get to a place where he wants to change for himself. Maybe not. But the important thing to me is that you are learning to accept your life on it's terms and finding happiness and peace for you "whether the acoholic is still drinking or not".
You know in my 4th step which I am currently working with my sponsor I am looking at how dependent I have been in my life. I do not necessarily want to go out and compete in the world. I do not want to go out and find the right man. I'm willing to "settle". That is one reason I stuck with the A, that and mis placed loyalty of course. I wanted to say the royal "we" and did not want to be an "I".
Toby Rice Drew has some very interesting things to say on enabling. These days I tell people around me that I do not appreciate them using. At the same time they do go on using. no matter what I say, so much for my having an influence on anyone. . I used to buy alcohol for certain people now I would not but I am not living with them. We all make choices based on our current circumstances. I live around alcoholics at the moment if I had other choices I would not.
Please stop beating yourself into the ground. Living around an active alcoholic can be very very difficult. Like others I do not agree it is a foregone conclusion he will die of the disease. Some people don't.
When I was leaving the alcoholic he said he wanted to move two people into the house who were drug addicts (they were very active addicts). I had stopped arguing with him so I allowed them in. I could have said no but I knew where that would lead me to serious arguments. I was leaving and I decided he could do whatever he wanted within reason. They moved in and he went into a spiral he has not come out of since. I take absolutely no responsibilty for it. I did not force him to take drugs, I did not force him to interact with those people. Of course over time he had his sob/victim story about dealing with them. By that time I had some program under my belt. I listened to him but I did not take his side on any of it. I merely listened to him.
You may buy him the alcohol but you are sticking a funnel into his mouth and making him drink it.
Personally I have found the whole issue of DUI very very difficult. I would feel so conflicted when the A was out drinking and driving. I could not and would not go with him and drive. I was the owner of the truck and in so many ways liable for his actions. I hated dealing with that. I doubt I will ever co own a car with anyone again as a result of that.
Please be kind to yourself. This program is a hard one. I have found working the steps very helpful and being in this room very useful.
Keep coming here and posting about your situation and reply to others then maybe you can stop being so hard on yourself about your very difficult situation.
The acid test for me at the end of the day is can I look in the mirror and be okay with who I am?
My parents were my best enablers in my active alcoholism. They almost killed me with kindness.
However, I am a firm believer in the hand of God, and there did come a point where there was no one left to bail me out, and I was in the dirt face down. That was when I finally hit a bottom.
Now I have a 30 year old daughter in active alcoholism, and I enabled her for many years because of the children, my grandchildren.
In the process of enabling and choosing the 'easier softer' way, I started to lose myself so subtly that I wasn't even aware of it until I hit an emotional bottom like I hadn't known for years, and I cried out to God for help again.
For me, anything worth having came with a lot of hard work.
I spent far too many years settling for far less than what I deserved because I was busy rescuing and enabling.
Today, I am worthy of love, respect, and kindness. I won't settle for anything less.
My home is alcohol free and will remain that way. I have detached from my oldest daughter and left her to her own devices.
We each have our own path to travel, and all I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope in my own life with you
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
You came up with your own judgement and own response to it based on your gut and your conscience and probably feedback from other and your own value systems. Based upon the feedback you got here were you enabled to feel justified?
If you have not problem with the disease of alcoholism in your life then its a no brainer participate in it. Some mentioned not being able to change him and I agree I could not change my alcoholic either but I could change the atmosphere that alcoholism needed to live in around me. I could change by not participating...buying her alcohol or drugs, drinking with her, participating in the partying and the like...that for me I found out was enabling the disease, the situation I was getting sick from and coming close to death while certainly admitting to insanity.
We all have choices. We all must accept the consequences. You sound like the consequences (alcoholism) are okay with you and that you get or benefit from the giving in this case the booze. If he were diabetic you would not have a problem feeding him high sugar doses. If he had cancer you would not have a problem getting him something that held him from that recovery.
When I discovered "my part" in the/my problem I made amends (changes) for it including some apologies. I was the enabler...I kept drunks drunk and when they didn't drink "right" I tried to teach them how to drink right and I also kept company with them by drinking with them.
My ninth step included face to face and by mail apologies for the part I played in the problem after I found out that alcoholism is a life threatening disease that often ends in death for the alcoholic and/or their family members, friends and associates.
Al-Anon helped me to recover my value systems. It has taught me to "do the next right thing". This is not a moral issue it is about illness, sickness, a real potentially fatal disease. There is absolutely nothing today that is of so much value to myself or my ego that I am willing to sacrafice the life of any other human being for. I sponsor people in recovery. I sponsor them so that they hopefully gain a footing in recovery. If they go back out they go back out without my help. If they reach the doors again I am there to support their recovery/sobriety and nothing else.
Trust your gut, your intuition and your values because they are real regardless of what anyone else leads you to believe. You can always get second opinions. Hold them up to the light of the Serenity Prayer and see how they filter out. Ask your HP...or is that where your first response came from?
Keep coming back. It works if your work it. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome to the MIP family. Lots of great replies here. I have on occasion chosen to buy the A alcohol. The problem was that I felt so bad about it. I hated the thought of buying it for him because it's killing him. I hated me for buying it. I decided that it wasn't worth me feeling bad to do it. I would beat myself up for it for days.
I chose not to buy it for him. We also have separate bank accounts, so no money goes to buying alcohol for him. I have a hard and fast rule when it comes to his car: he pays for it, he is responsibel if he gets into trouble with it. If he drinks and drives (which is very rare) and gets caught I will send his perscriptions down to jail (he will die without them). I will not post bail. He will be responsible for all the consequences because of it.
I sometimes feel that I enable him in other ways. I make sure he has his perscriptions. They are life threatening if he doesn't take them. There are other ways I think I make it easier for him. At the same time, I have learned to detach. I make sure I take care of me and do what is best for me. I think the bottom line is that we all have to do what we feel is in the best interest of us. Going to my meetings. Doing my readings and keeping me as sane as possible, is what I need to do to live. You do what is best for you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Well, you all have given me much to think about, in fact after reading it all several times, I am more confused than I was before I made my very first new topic.
My husband was a very stubborn man long before any of this got started, it was been the worst since he retired and has plenty of time to drink. Before retirement, it was after work and on the weekends. He always worked and between the two of us we have had a very good financial life. Which has provided us the opportunity to have a good retirement . . . except of course that he has chosen to drink through his retirement.
He is an insulin dependent diabetic, has had pancreatitis, many kidney stones and his neuropathy is getting worse and worse. That is why I don't think he's going to live a long life. He also smokes, as do I. When I look at my problem with smoking, that is the only thing I have ever done that makes me somewhat relate to how difficult his drinking would be to quit. I certainly would not look forward after all this time of coping with the thought of having to live through him trying to stop.
He rarely drives so I don't have that worry, he has never had a DUI or any trouble with the legal system.
If I did not keep up the alcohol supply, I'm sure he would provide it for himself anyway.
He has never been abusive to me, he has no objections to the life I have had to make for myself, I have found a few friends for myself and I am a court appointed special advocate for foster children as a volunteer. I go to church.
I am trying Al-Anon again but to be honest, I almost don't want to do Al-Anon because that to me, starts to feel like I'm devoting too much energy to thinking about his drinking, why should I have to put so much energy into something that he has caused me to have to deal with. We went to couseling once and he got off scott free and I got put on anti-depressants (which of course did nothing but make me fat!) I know Al-Anon is for me, but I'm thinking I'm not doing that badly, I'm blessed in so many ways that others are not so I feel like I don't really have that many complaints.
These are just my thoughts after digesting all the great responses to my post. Feel free to put me straight! Maybe I'm the one that's really in denial and I'm really the one that's nuts.
