The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been 8 weeks since my AH and I separated. I've been attending f2f Al-Anon meetings since - wonderful stuff there, and posting here - what a blessing!
Today's brief visit with my AH went okay. He wasn't drunk during our visit. I could still smell the alcohol on his breath from last night's binge. My AH is still drinking but at least I'm not getting angry at him like I used to when we lived together. When I looked into his eyes today I felt nothing. I saw a man who can't stop drinking and who is still deeply hurting inside. I didn't feel like being close to him. I didn't want him to touch me. I wondered what it was that attracted me to him in the first place. I tried to find it but it wasn't there. I didn't feel anything for him today. I felt numb. I felt like I was just going through the motions.
Over the last 2 months, we've had many discussions about his going into a long-term treatment program. He resisted the idea at first but now says he wants to do whatever it takes to get sober - he can't do it on his own. On a positive note, he has called an in-patient treatment program. Hopefully he can be admitted ASAP. I should be happy about that, but I just feel numb.
Will my love for my AH still be alive at the end of this journey? I don't know.
Congradulations with the meetings....keep going. One of the benefits and the miracles that come after practice is that the feeling of nothing disappears and is replaced by compassion and hope. What a miracle!! He's sick not bad.
"Love is the complete and total acceptance of any other human being for exactly who they are." (From my Al-Anon ESH journey) and that includes the alcoholic and myself too.
Personally I don't should myself on anything. I am numb to a lot of things that may be going on in the exA's life. Personally I am not able to even think about his life anymore. I am sure it is difficult so is my life.
I do know personally that I no longer trust the A and would not believe one word he said when he was drinking. So that doesn't make for much of a conversation.
Don't be hard on yourself. I think all you are feeling is very very normal given the circumstances.
If I am angry, fed up, mad, sick of something now I acknowledge it and don't should it anymore. I try super hard not to act on it but that's hard for a presently over reactive codependent. Shoulding is something I will not do anymore. I've been should on all my life.
Thanks for your replies! They are always helpful. Speaking about the word "should." Someone told me recently that I need to replace the word "should" with the word "could." I've tried it. Instead of saying I should do the laundry - I am trying to say I could do the laundry. Takes the guilt feeling away I think.
