The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Now that my life for once seems to be less on the holding on my fingernails variety, I am starting to see how I give away my power. When I can stop over reacting for one second, I can make choices as to how far to let someone in. I can stop going from being completely closed off to being engaged. Of course don't get me wrong I am tremendously lonely at the moment. I am also really not living well on a financial level. At the same time I'm seeing for maye the first time what I do. I'm seting great distances on those relationships where it is all "power struggle". I'm really debating now when and how I will get in touch with my younger sisrer again. She's an active alcoholic and has been for decades. I think I will only be able to have a very boundaried relationship with her.
One of my meditation teachers, Stephen Levine, who has written and spoken a lot about forgiveness says when we start practising something we start with the 3 lb weight rather than the 300 lb weight. I always want to rush everything inlcuding recovery!
I've been here for a few years now and only now can I get to oh this is what "I" do rather than look what everyone has done to me!
I know for me giving up the victim/marytr role is going to be hard. I have lived it, breathed it for years. I also know my physical health can't take it much more so I don't have much choice but to do it.
I'm looking forward to a life where I am not on hair trigger over react all the time or so sunk into denial and depression I can't move. When I was desperate with the A I used to think there has to be something other than this. Through al anon I am finding there is, there certainly is, I am not there "yet" but I may just get there.!.
Maresie, you have been writing some really important posts lately- ones that have been really useful for me, that is for sure. You are articulating and sharing so much in such a great way- its a real blessing for me and others on this board, I am sure.
Yeah, I really like what you/SL say about the 3 lb weight first to work ourselves up to the higher and higher weights- that really makes so much sense! Our program is definitely that way and of course we want the promises of the program like tomorrow! I know I do but I am slowly seeing, like you said that I may get there someday although by no means am I there yet!
I have much on my mind these days and I give it over constantly to HP but find its back on my brain the next morning, waking me up, etc. I am not sure how or why this is happening but I just keep giving it back to HP and figure eventually it might stick there with him instead of finding its way back into my brain by the morning of the next day! Its kind of funny, actually.
Again, thank you for having the words so many of us do not have to describe all this stuff. Its so great- J.
No kidding, Maresie, you have been wonderful to me and I'm sure anyone reading the posts you put on my threads would have learned so much. Hugs to you!
That is wonderful you are recognizing you 'power failures' & where the holes are. It is amazing when u simply set a boundary & see it is getting respected/valued, some of your power comes back. Or like u sd not reacting all the time, does give you the ability to calmly receive even negative information & act maturely accordingly. I too used to be very quick, habitually reacting badly & over reacting.
I am very emotional & still do have strong, quick reactions to things but I do have much more composure & don't just immediately raise my voice or get angry/hurt. I can take it in, for a minute & feel before I respond. When I give myself a little time (just seconds/short minutes) I react better & with a little tactfulness.
I had a therapist a few yrs ago say something similar to me about forgiveness, using the working out analogy, she sd, "you don't go to a gym & pick up a 500# weight so don't expect to relase all of the tons of forgiveness immediately or all at once. Let it go in layers/incriminents, like an onion or a flower unfolding." That made plenty of sense to me!
Besides, as I just live my life, ground myself here, I am always recalling memories that I am still rectifying ~ forgiving & letting go of. I don't really have to "work at it" anymore because it happens naturally. Like I am walking in a state of continuous conscious forgiveness.
Obviously I didn't have a lot of boundaries, the inner ones being the most ascewed. But new relationships give me the opportunity to have better relationships, ammending the old ones are more painful & difficult. Right now, the only one I am doing anything with is my step-father. I act civil but still have to forgive him for things that are very difficult for me. I have no respect for him & that is hard for me to deal with, I want to respect him. His infidelity has really hurt me to my core. Why is it so much harder for me than my mother to forgive? Maybe it just means more to me & I gave him respect when he was undeserving of it, out of respect to my mother, idk.
I do feel that I have much more power now that I don't just feed him all of this energy & love that he obviously didn't value. i saw a psychic a few month ago that said, I love ppl very compassionately, completely & faithfully. She told me to reel it in some, that most ppl aren;t able to love so freely & they might take it for granted that I am so understanding ~ it gave me something to think about.
I do try to be able to be understanding of anything as long as it is the truth, however, certain information will affect me & I may treat someone differently or change boundaries based on what I hear & see from them. I am always re-evaluating my relationships.
love, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I thought your post was so honest and so true. I can feel some of those feeling within myself. I find it very difficult right now giving up the victim/ martyr role as my husband is an active A. It is hard for me to let go of things and hand them over to someone or something that is above my power. I am still in a somewhat state of denial about things. (I've been here about 2 + months now ). I do feel desperate at times and get depressed over things quite easily but I am learning through the help of all of these wonderful people here that I will learn, day by day, how to live one day at a time and not have expectations of other. Enjoyed your post, Jackie
Just like we all do at times, ((( Maresie))) You are not the only one and you are not alone. I fully understand what you are saying..........have hope :)
