The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is a very high functioning person, never violent, no DUI or anything like that, but he is secretive about drinking and is just plain stupid-seeming when he drinks. I always feel like I have been tricked by his drinking in secret, and it is repugnant to me. He was sober on his own for six months from january to just a couple of weeks ago and now he has returned to how he was. I am just absolutely heartbroken, I was sure he was happy and he was so wonderful. although now I second guess, maybe he was drinking a litlte bit all along. He is a fundamentally honest person but he will lie lie lie lie lie about drinking.
How can I help him? How can I keep from being so angry with him. Our town is very small, I do not want to go to "meetings" is there an online group that can help me see the silver lining. I need to know how to help him. I am just so sad.
there are meetings here twice a day. They are a great space. There is also this bulletin board which is a great place to be. There are lots and lots of books on dealing with an alcoholic. One that is highly recommended is Toby Rice Drew's books. They are great.
Personally I think its pretty normal to be angry at an alcoholic who is lying and not doing what they say they are. The issue for me is that at times that anger became overwhelming and destructive. We have lots of tools for dealing with that in al anon. The issue is they are tools, yes they are great at helping but they do not stop an alcoholic from drinking, they help you to cope with their drinking.
In Al anon we embrace and look at and work with the three C's, we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. Many of us have been lost in either one of the three c's for a long long time. I know I was.
thank you for welcoming me Maresie. I so appreciate your words, and know that you have really touched me with your compassion in taking the time to answer.
I had not heard of the three Cs before and will ponder them, and will read posts here and try to do an online meeting. I will look for the Toby Rice Drew books.
I am just looking for a way to be helpful, accepting and positive within my own life instead of having repugnance for the one I love and that state of depair. I believe thoughts are very powerful and I am realizing that it is my thoughts I can change and not his behavior, though I confess I am very hopeful that he will "get there" and be sober and honest all the time. I do blame myself a lot, and I guess that is one of the C's. Anyway, I'm glad I found this forum.
I think second guessing is part of what we do. Unfortunately for whatever reason for some people relaspe seems to bring them further along in their disease. I heard last night about a neighbor who was doing really well in a sober living environment. Now he has relapsed he seems to be far worse than he was when he first went in the sober living environment.
For me its either denial or not doing well. I don't have an optimal ok time. I'm an all or nothing person. I am trying to find emotional space in my life rather than just feel like I am hanging on.
There are many many books about codependence including excellent books in the al anon series. There are also tons and tons of books out there commercially on codependence that are incredibly helpful. What I've found most helpful though is being willing to work a program, that is work the steps and talk about my life. The more I can put it out there and reflect on it the better.
This forum is an amazing place. There are people here who have done such incredible work on themselves. You can read their stories in the archives.
I treasure this group but I also treasure recovery and what it took to get me here.
Welcome to MIP Monikah. Here you will find that many of us are going through much the same things as you are. We share our ESH, Experience, Strength, and Hope.
I have been married to my AH (alcoholic husband) for almost 35 years. During the first 12 years of our marriage, he was an active A.
I too thought that he had quit, but just recently, I found out that he has been drinking secretly at work, all these years. He just recently retired, and it has become very apparent how much he was drinking all these years.
Since becoming active with AlAnon, I have found that I am able to cope with living with an A much better than before. I started attending meetings, and found that each day I was becoming stronger. I am not angry or bitter about his drinking anymore.
The books Maresie is talking about are the "Getting them Sober" series by Toby Rice Drews. I also highly recommend them as well as "One Day At A Time in Al Anon and Courage to Change. These 2 books are daily inspirational books.
Keep coming back to read, and share.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Hi Monikah, Welcome. You will find comfort and wisdom here and at the online meetings. At least I have. My first husband was an alcoholic also. He wouldn't allow me to go to Alanon meetings in the small town we lived in because "people would think he was an alcoholic." No, duh. Not that they would think he was a drinker because he was out alone in bars, falling all over women and getting smashed every weekend. No, they would think he had a drinking problem because his wife went to Alanon. That's the kind of logic drinkers have. It was decidedly not funny at the time, but I can laugh about it now. You know, you could be going to meetings because someone in your immediate family or a close friend had an addiction--it isn't just because of your husband. And the people at the meetings have their own situations, but they sure understand about anonymity since they need it, too. Maybe you could find a meeting a town over? Or just not say who the alcoholic is in your life until you feel safe in the group. Alanon is not so that you can hash out the inventory of the drinker anyway--it's for you! Maybe you don't feel ready to go to a face to face meeting just now, but I encourage you to give it a try sometime. Someone told me once that there is a saying to go to 4 meetings of alanon and if you don't like it, they will refund all your misery. I thought that was really funny, but true. Oh yes, and if you haven't already, read my post today. I'm having a wingding of a day myself!! You are not alone! Take care, dear.
