The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I never realized that I was in a family of alcoholics until recently.....and I'm still questioning my assumption that their alcoholics. Am I just making it up? Am I just looking for a reason to our problems? Drinking is such a normal part of our life that it's hard for me to see anything else.
My grandfather died from alcohol related complications. My uncle recently died from the same. My other uncle is a recovering alcoholic. All three of these men were "stereotypical" alcoholics and were easy to spot. My father, on the other hand, is not abusive or mean. I'm not able to feel any connection to my father when he drinks but he's so fun-loving and joyful that it's a nice break from his serious grumpiness he experiences when he's sober. My dad, since I was a child, drinks on average 5-6 beers a day. I can't remember a day my father didn't drink. It was normal. He never drank hard alcohol like the rest of his family did so he believed that his drinking wasn't a problem. Beer, after all, wasn't dangerous. I can't tell you how many times my father has told me this.
As I grew older alcohol became a part of my life and my siblings. I began drinking heavily and found problems with controlling my drinking. One was never enough. Two was never enough. Three was never enough. I wasn't an angry drunk. I was a happy drunk like my father. Where was the problem? I then had kids and I gave up drinking as I had started suspecting that I was an alcoholic. I don't drink at all anymore and my life is enriched because of it.
My brothers started drinking at the age of 16. My mom would buy them large quantities of alcohol and allow them to binge drink. My mom would often say that she was teaching her boys how to be responsible with alcohol. All I saw was that she was encouraging them to drink heavily. She'd allow my brother to bring home his friends and let them drink (despite knowing that the parents of these children were very much against it).
All of my siblings are now out of the house and we get together at my parent's house several times a year. Drinking has always been the central activity when we get together. Very large quanities of alcohol are consumed. I didn't think much of it until I had kids. Since having kids the level of drinking hasn't changed. They are frequently drunk around my toddler and infant. On one occasion my brother almost put my son's head through the roof and on another I caught my other brother trying to teach my son to say "drunk." I was horrified and when I expressed my concern I was seen as the bad guy.
I have decided to put my foot down firmly and this is where I began suspecting that they might be alcoholics. When I told them that I couldn't allow that level of drinking around my kids (in a very kind, polite manner by the way) I was met with hostility, anger, resentment, etc. They turned themselves into victims and me into a controlling instigater. I've been told that the problem isn't the alcohol, that it's me. I just feel so torn between what I know is right and how wrong they've made me feel.
There's a big part of me that wants to believe I'm the bad guy and I'm foolishly exaggerating their drinking and reaction. I'm on the verge of giving in and apologizing to them. It's really hard to feel right when you've got 4 people against you. On the other hand I know I can't put my kids in that situation ever again. My mother told me that subjecting my children to that level of drinking is a good way to teach my kids about different value systems. Ridiculous!
Where do I find the strength and determination? How do I accept that these people really are alcoholics (Actually, I don't think my mother is but for some reason she loves to get her kids drunk.) and it's not something I'm just making up?
well there certainly are a garden variety of alcoholics out there. I think for many of us me included I can see those who don't cause problems for those around them and those who do. Nevertheless someone who can't stop drinking despite the consequences is a sure bet that they have an addiction.
Of course we can spend our lifetimes trying to persuade someone they have an addiction. I certainly spent the last 8 years dealing with the fact that my exA drank. He didn't.
I believe you have a right to say what goes and what is okay in your own house. If other people have problems with that maybe they have an issue with boundaries. My own ESH with boundaries is that those with addicitons tend to like to make them but not to respect other people's. Having boundaries around an active alcoholic can be a really difficulty undertaking.
There is nothing terrible about wanting to protect your children from the affects of alcohol. Alcholics live, sleep and eat denial about the affects of their drinking.
You are in the right place coming here.
Keep coming back and sharing what is going on for you and keep replying to posts you will learn a lot.
Alanon is for anyone who is affected by, or who is concerned about, someone else's drinking - regardless of whether or not they satisfy clinical definitions of alcoholism.
It seems to me that it's not you, and it's not actually the alcohol either - it's their BEHAVIOURS when they drink. Putting your son's head through the roof is not an ok behaviour. Teaching your baby that being drunk (not just drinking) is not only okay, but fun, is not an okay behaviour.
Alcoholism is certainly a family disease, and it's a disease of relationships and behaviours as much as of drinking. It also tends to run in families, so the tendency is liable to be present in your siblings as much as in yourself. Your comment about "one was never enough" is very telling - one of the things they say in AA is, "one is too many and a thousand is not enough".
I encourage you to get yourself to an Alanon meeting - a beginner's meeting if they have one in your area, but that's just a bonus - and pick up a free newcomer packet. I think you'll find you feel at home there.
The only person that can decide whether they are an alcoholic or not is the person that is doing the drinking. That being said anyone who is affected by someone else's addictive behavior can benefit greatly from the Al-Anon 12 step program. So my vote is YES you are in the right place and if you can get to face to face meetings you will benefit from those as well.
You deserve a big Atta Girl for realizing that there is a problem and that you need some assistance with learning how to make your life better.
We can't make the alcoholic stop drinking or the addict stop using but we can learn how to live our lives to the fullest regardless of what they are doing. In most all cases we see a change in the person with the disease once we start changing our reactions to their actions. We learn to set boundaries and stick to them and in the process we take back our power.
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Two sure fire behaviors of most alcoholics is manipulation and denial. Whether it be to manipulate your thinking or theirs, they are experts at it. It's not unusual for them to say "you" are the problem, "you" are the crazy one, it's "your" thinking and behavior that is off balance. They will deny there is any problem, it's your problem. Do your best not to buy in to it.
The problem that I think is one of the greatest struggles is finding peace within. You want peace in the family but their behavior won't allow it without some firm boundaries that you can be secure in making. When you know your boundaries are best for you and your children and you can detach from what they say, that is when you will be at peace with the situation.
Keep coming back, help and hope is here for the taking, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your story sounds so much like mine, except it's my husband that's the alcoholic and so is his family. He gets very happy when he drinks and only drinks beer, but when he has whiskey he gets out of control. When he is not drinking he doesn't want to do much and is sometimes hard to deal with, tends to be more controlling with our son. Everytime we get together with his family, it is always centered around drinking and they are always trying to get me to drink. I don't like to go over there anymore for the fact that they drink so much and I don't feel comfortable because they are constantly offering me a drink, it doesn't matter to them that I have to drive home with my son. I am not the type of person that will say what is on my mind, so I just keep it all bottled inside. Not only do I have the alcoholic husband, but I have a lot of issues with his family that they don't know about. My husbands mom is always giving him money to help with the bills or for beer. If he didn't drink so much, he wouldn't need the help with the bills. They have also let him drive home with our son, when he has had too much to drink. Anyway, since I have all these issues, plus many more with them, I try not to go around them anymore and they don't know why, I have told my husband, but he just doesn't understand. So I look like the bad guy and my husband feels like I am keeping him from his family. I just really don't know what to do about it anymore, I am fed up feeling like I am the bad guy and I am the one that has the problem. I know everyone here understands, but my husband and his family does not. I am new here and if your families drinking is affecting you, then you belong here, I kept everything bottled inside for a long time and tried to act as if there was not a problem and it only hurt me.
Ridiculous! 
- welcome!