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Just received a disturbing telephone call from my daughter. My middle grand-daughter has been seen by the school nurse as she sprained her ankle today and whilst being strapped up, the nurse noticed blood on my GD arm. When she investigated further she found that the sweet child had carved her initials in her arm.
The child could not remember exactly what she had used, however it was a piece of metal of some description. Daughter is awaiting her arrival home from school now. She works with children who do this sort of thing all of the time but is deeply distressed that her own daughter has done this.
In the early hours of this morning daughter rang to say that my grandson had been in a horrendous fight yesterday at school, he is nine and some bullies were picking on his best friend, four of them then challenged and started to pick on him because he was defending his friend. My grandson ended up like the fighting Tamara and four boys were dragged off of him. He went home with a bad head and chunks of hair having been pulled out. He refused to go to school today, and complaining of head ache, so I advised my daughter to take him to the nearest hospital for a check up, which she did and I rang the school and my daughter's work at 08:30.
Meanwhile, my daughter said that at lunchtime she received a distressed call from her eldest daughter (15) who was crying saying that she was sitting by herself as she had been called a social outcast and told not to approach her group.
The eldest child has always been bullied and she is silent and withdrawn and hides in books, whilst the middle child is, as her mother says, the gobby one and the youngest child is like a frightened rabbit, but one that hits back four times as strong and does not know when to stop.
What a mess. Both my daughter and I cried together as we are so overwhelmed. It has been especially difficult for both of us to come to terms yet with the middle child self harming, and we agree that we will talk to each other as the weekend progresses and keep each other informed if any of the children say anything to either of us. My middle gd has been msning me daily but I did not pick up on any of this is anything that she has said so far. My daughter has also told her brother, and both he and I have agreed to be there for all as much as it is possible. However, I am so very very concerned at the escilation of this situation and how quickly it has all come to a head.
The middle girl has had her very first period and it was by all accounts really bad...even my daughter said she was concerned by it and it seems that my gd has not coped with this at all. She is due for the next period in about a week's time and this could also be another adverse effect.
She is the child that has taken a lot from her father. Her father does not like her and is awful to her. She has been getting herself in a real state about the holidays and has repeatedly asked me if she could come to stay with me instead of going to her father's during the school holidays. Of course I have said that she can as long as her mother is okay with that agreement and of course her mother is okay.
Please, I do not know how to deal with self harming...how to talk, what to do, what to say...and I am so utterly distressed about this so I would be grateful if anyone has anything to share that might be helpful at this time. I have no experience of this.
I live a very long way from them, but will be travelling down in August to stay with them and I want to be able to gather some tools to take with me.
Their father was a very violent man, and my daughter is a battered wife, though she and the children left Germany and came home about 7 years ago. Their father continued to beat my daughter up when he came to collect the children, however for the last 18months there has been a tighter reign on his access to my daughter and she does not now allow him in the house when she has no-one else with her but the children.
My precious gd daughters and my darling gs...I am so upset, and I am particularly shocked to know that K has self harmed...we want to nip this in the bud if possible and my daughter has managed to get the ball rolling to get her into a counselling foundation even at this late state today...the eldest is already in that for being bullied and it looks like my gs will need to be referred for anger management and bullying counselling.
I keep coming back though to this awful scenario of K cutting herself. I am crying now with such pain for her.
Please if you have anything to share that you think might help me in the immediate future I will listen with open heart and ears.
Thank you so much Suzannah
Of course, I agree completely with the approach that my daughter has asked both me and my son to buy into right now and still plan to go down to look after the children in a couple of weeks to give their mother a well yearned break...the children are so happy about this and really looking forward to this...they love me and I love them and they feel safe with me and do NOT want to go to their father's in the school holidays.
I just need some tools to take with me and to let my tears and shock subside here out of their eyes. I will be the serene loving grandmother when I get there, for now I need to get over the shock and take on board advice of how to deal with this myself and help the children and my daughter.
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I don't know that much about cutting, thats what they call it in the states, You said your daughter is involved in this type of situation with other kids, I'm sure she knows professionals that can help, because this is a problem that should be handled by a professional. I don't think you need special tools to handle the problem, just love your Grand child like you do and stay calm and don't let her see you upset. Your daughter was lucky that they saw immediately what she did to herself the first time and thats good to catch it quickly. What does Hillary say , her book, "It takes a Village", that certainly is true in these times, We all had a say in bringing up the children in our family, with the nieces and nephews.They went thru some harrowing times, but they are all great adults today. I would say Tatoo's if overdone is another way of cutting. My one neice and nephew are covered in them. My daughter was taken as a child by her Father, so I only brought her up until she was 6 and we were reunited when she was 25, but thats another story. As far as your Grandchildren, I wish them well and they will make it thru, because they have two loving parents, you and your daughter, they have been thru abuse and need special attention and lots of love and counseling. Your the Grandmother, so you get to spoil and love them, a good position to be in. Luv, Bettina
Suzannah: What a generous loving grandmother you are. To have this on top of all the physical stuff you have to deal with must seem a bit much. One of my new focuses is to really monitor and deal with the level of stress I am under daily and really look at my expectations. Last night I went to bed early as we have been having a heat wave here and it wiped me out. I try to set reasonable, small goals (that are achieveable) for myself.
Seems like you have a lot on with the issue of caring for yourself in a difficult system to navigate with tremendous complicated health issues. Now you have the incredible spectacle of your grandhildren. I think its commendable that you and your daughter and others think that there is something wrong and want to work on it. I also think that its great that you are willing to be "there".
What's common for me is to give myself away entirely. If I see someone in need I sacrfice myself. Pacing is not in my vocabulary. One of my roommates is and was extremely depressed, she is really suicidal. I spent a lot of time trying to make life better for her and cheer her up. Then she became more demanding and more controlling. Her own children abandoned her on some levels and she lashed out at me (understandable she can't lash out at them as they are gone). As I have al anon I had an opt out facility but normally I would be there trying to cajole people and help them with no regard for myself. Need in others triggers great self sacrifice in me.
So all I would say, given your current health issues, is to be careful what you promise, give away and expect from yourself. You are, after all, very very challenged medically right now.
There are tons and tons of resources on self cutting on the web. I do know people who "cut". Indeed Princess Diana did it for a while you may remember reading that.
I know people personally who cut themselves and they stopped. I'm sorry to say that it didn't stop overnight. They were in therapy and worked it through. They did stop though and they did move onto less destructive ways of being.
As a child I was bulled a great deal. That is something I am working through in my 4th step. The bullying in my case was at home and at school. I have tremendous anger and resentment still towards my elder sister that she was permitted to behave like that. Needless to say my sister has no remorse or insight about the issue.
Recently I was bullied in a job by someone and I stood my ground and eventually removed myself from the job. There are people who work through being bullied too. I do think it is great, loving, kind and caring that you do note that being bullyed is something that needs action, that is a huge red flag and is something that needs attention.
My own ESH is that for me personally it took a long time to work that through. Nevertheless there are resources for that. There are web sites about it, in the age of the internet it is possible to read up and know a lot about issues very quickly. I don't know that in my ESH there is a short cut towards working through abuse issues quickly but there are resources certainly.
I hope you will take care of yourself, monitor your fatigue level, monitor how you are doing. I think its okay to be human and not be able to "fix" everything straight away. Sometimes my even attempting to fix something only ends up with me being exhausted so it seems with my neighbor by all acounts she is even more depressed, morose and very very angry. I find it very very very difficult to say "no" when someone is in need. I am, now, through al anon, very well aware that I have limits, they are physical and emotional limits but I have them. I did not have them before.
I would urge you if you are going to visit your grandchildren to negotiate with yourself what your physical and emotional limits are before you go. Set them, monitor them and keep being aware you are not going to "fix" everything in one short visit.
Our children are feeling the pressure and stress of our shakey world now too. If they have had heavy experiences, it makes life harder.
You know I worked with kids all ages for 18 years and raise almost all my son's friends!
She is calling out for attention. She may not even realize that. Cutting usually is from deep sadness and pain. A person feels so bad emotionally, they want to feel it physically. Sounds strange I know.
I remember feeling that way myself. I was so shy doing my best to hide it,always holding my insecurities in. I did not get into the popular thing, liked everyone. I was a cheerleader too!
What you can do is keep communication up with her.Can she come stay with you? OH it is not summer there is it?kids in school? Anyway if you can see her face to face. Just keep it light. Let her talk. You could carefully ask her about piercings,tats, the style the kids have now.
Ask what she knows about it. Be curious about "her." If you can you can say, yes I know you made your own tatoo. The only thing I wonder about,won't it get infected? How does one care for a tatoo?
Do many people do their own? Then talk about cloths or boys or you whatever, then say also I have heard of something called cutting.What is that?
Throw in things sure have changed since my kids. do you see? I did this when my deer grandson at age 4 went all around our new place, breaking every window we had here waiting to be put in the barn and my greenhouse.
I talked the same way. Poor baby. His mother is very damaged from her brother dieing when she was 12.
The best thing you can do for a child is listen. Ask questions they cannot answer with yes or no.
I had hundreds of kids coming to me where ever I was in schools to just talk, cry with,laugh with, give them cough drops,sew a tear or offed button. etc.
Saddest one was when this 18 year old boy was going into the service becuz his dad was making him. It was awful. I found him sitting on the stairs to the gym balcony. We talked a lot. I tried to help him to know it was his decision. I did tell him I always told my son if the draft came and he was called,we would leave the US. I meant it. So many,many of my loved friends are dead and or crazy from the Viet Nam War.
Was not much later, I read in the paper he had been killed. Still hurts to think of him this little boy sent away to die. hate it.
well with that sad note...i am off to do yard work and paint. hugs,deb
My daughter cut "run" into her arm at one point. She couldn't stand the arguments and fights between her stepsisters, the drunken behavior of my ex, anytime any arguing happened in the home.
I made a deal with her once. Told her whenever she felt that way, to call her nana or uncle and she could go over there.
The stepsisters and the A are gone. We don't have to deal with them anymore at all. She doesn't cut anymore. We all are working on healing. Long process.
The red flag to me in your whole story was how the kids felt about going to visit at their fathers. You said how he was violent and abusive to your daughter (their mother). I hate to say it, but is it possible he is now taking his abusive violence out on the kids? Even if its just verbal (which is what it was in my home), that can be extremely harmful to children. Extremely. Domestic Violence can be physical, verbal, emotional, psychological... any of those or all together. Not limited to just physical. Perhaps someone should try talking to those kids and finding out why they don't want to go to dads.
Hugs to you all.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
As a person that grew up with disease (ACoA) I can say that we go through so much guilt & fear over this disease. I have been suicidal many many times, so many times it must be in the thousands. I have attempted suicide 3 times, once @ 15 & twice as an adult. I have also done many other harmful & destructive things to myself, as well as cutting.
I doubt she forgets w/ what & how she cut herself, it is humilating to get those feelings out. it is taboo & scares others, this both makes it hard to talk about & also she may be doing it for effect or attention ~ idk what she's going through.
But I can relate to her in the above & in that I still HATE my period. I have very painful ones & the emotioinal junk they do to us through roller coasting hormones still does a number on me emotionally, it is very hard to deal with. Physical & emotional pain can make us do some very crazy things.
I cut myself in the same place, on my left inner forearm. The first few times I cut myself, I was trying to hurt me and I cut up my thighs. I must have cut myself 200 times in two days. It hurt as it was healing (a very little) & I did feel kind of a weird shame after having done it, so I hid it from others.
I decided to cut a Reiki symbol into my left forearm & I cut the same design in, over the old one every time. I really like it but it freaks everyone else out. Also, other cultures do this, so it's foregin & taboo to some but not everywhere.
I did learn that when you cut, you release endomorphins in the body, so you get all of these free, feel good chemicals floating around. I don't know how long it lasts, clinically but I'll guess at least an hour or two. ( I am honestly not sure).
I also know w/ anorexics (just to give another example) say that they are coming from physical or sexual abuse, they feel they have no control & what they are doing is a way of empowering themselves somehow.
I do know that coming from a violent background & witnessing their mother being abused (if even they have never been beat, abused or neglected) is completely terrifying & the feeling of no security will make them act out. It's not doing anything for their self-esteem either, let alone the toll it has taken on your daughter.
I am very sorry they are in this but hopefully the changes will continue to take place.
I personally wouldn't want my kids going to hang around an abusive parent, I'd have a restraining order, et cetera... but I don't know enmeshed (financially or otherwise) they are.
I hope you are both woriking to get away from this situation, no one should be going through that kind of abuse (the humiliation, fear) my mother grew up being abused & she seems pretty adjusted but her sisters are not. Her other 2 sisters grew up to beat their children, my one cousin was tortured until she was 15 & ran away & got p/g. She used to hand cuff her to the door ( so many horror stories I don't want to repeat right now).
Violence just like the disease of addiction, escalates, please take precautions to keep all of you safe.
I don't know if any of that helped or even made sense, I was simply moved to respond to you.
A Friend in Recovery, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I'm a mom of 5-4 are teens, had this problem with eldest boy. He has settled down this last 6 months or so though. It happened a few times over about 3 years. I was totally shocked too, the first time I became aware of it. It absolutely rocked my world.
Here's what I learned from it:
It is not the disaster I thought it was, I got some perspective and realised that is is somewhat "cool" and pier pressure was definitely involved.
Self-esteem was also a biggie (my son obviously didn't respect his body or himself.)
My son had feelings that he was unable to cope with and felt "trapped"
He gained a lot of attention from it.
He was crying out for help.
With all this in mind, he and I worked out a plan of action.
I make a point of checking in with him weekly or more if needed, even though he lives with me this is still important.
He recieves councelling on an ongoing basis.
**And, what I think helped him most was lots of praise, reassurance, cuddles and love.**
I realised that showing him my fear about it wasn't good. He has his HP too, I did the footwork and still do, but the rest is my son and his HP's responsibility. Teens can really surprise when you let them take responsibility.
Anyway, I hope you find this useful and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.((()))
