The material presented
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This is my first post. My bf quit drinking 3 months ago, going to rehab, AA. I feel like I'm not a part of his life anymore and don't know how to deal with it. We hardly talk about anything, he is emotionally unavailable. I feel isolated from him and I don't know how to find the answers about what behaviour is normal during this time, what I need to do, especially to keep myself sane through all of this. Hopefully I am making some sense and someone can help.
I remember those feelings and thoughts when my alcoholic went into recovery in AA also. Lost in Space or Lost and Spacey. You know what worked for me? Getting into Al-Anon Face to Face and starting my own program based upon the same steps and traditions as AA. We didn't end up on the same trail but we started going in the same direction with common language and common goals and growth.
Go look up the Al-Anon hotline number in the white pages of your phone book and call it for the meetings in your area and then go find and open mind and attend as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days.
One of the reasons that you feel he is distant is because he is getting that way. He is changing and you are not finding anything changing for you. He is learing a new language (of recovery), learning a new pattern of looking at life and relating to it without booze or booze thinking, a new way of thinking outside of the haze of alcohol, a new body of people to relate to and lean on for help and encouragement way beyond what you are capable of for the moment and hopefully he is finding the most highest of powers for himself that you will never measure up to in importance. That higher power, God as he understands that God for him will be the entity he will hopefully surrender his life to in order to get his life back.
Join us. Come in and have a look see. You can get some of a look see by reading the responses to posts looking for help and there are many. Al-Anon can do much to help you reestablish happiness within your life whether he is drinking or not, in AA or not or what ever.
Glad you found us here. Continue the journey. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
You make perfect sence to me - sobriety is not easy . AA is his life line right now , the best way to understand and support him is to get your own program . find Al-Anon meetings for yourself learn about the disease and how it has affected you , u too need to recover . Once you have your own support system u will start to feel more comfortable with sobriety .you will have recovery in common and be able to support each other . You will make new friends who understand exactly how yur feeling and they will share with you how they worked thier way thru it . good luck get the focus back on you and u will be fine . Louise
You know my own ESH is that I have to contantly check my expectations about people. My own expectations around an A who I lived with for 7/8 years were that he was hopeless but I wanted so much from him. I felt while he was hopeless he could still "give" to me in many ways. I kept craving intimacy from him when it was never there in the first place.
I think its very very difficult to check one's expectations around an active alcoholic after all they are good at raising them. They are also good at manipulating. I find them tremendously self absorbed while I am absorbed in them. In Al anon I have learned to put the focus back on me. as it rarely if ever was on me that's a tremendous challenge.
I had no idea I would have to go thru a long process of recovery because of my recovering bf. What you said makes sense. Over the years I have learned a lot about alcoholism, the effects on family etc. There are still lots of things I need to learn. At the same time I'm trying not to let this overpower my life since I have a child to take care of, a job, etc but here lately I'm having a hard time not thinking about and worrying about the situation with him. Maybe I'll have to go back into self defense mode which everyone calls detachment. I was good at it while he was drinking but I am dissapointed to find out that I have to do it again. I wonder how long all this recovery will take or if there is even any point in staying together since I'm just invisible to him. I feel like I have to be careful what I say, don't mention anything about rehab, always agree on everything, while he makes no effort in comforting me after what he's put me through. I know he has to go tru 12 steps and he's at step 2. The other day I asked him if I have to wait until step 8 until he talks to me which I know was mean but I'm angry.
I think there are lots of ways of detaching. For me I have to work on what works for me right now and work on ways of detaching better because I do have to detach in every day life not just around an A. Sometimes it is not engaging with someone. Sometimes it is thinking about what is best for me and in some cases that is not responding when someone is being provocative for example. I don't think for me its about not getting my needs met. When I lived with the A I still engaged with him, I still asked him for things, I still spoke to him. I just learned to stop some of the self defeating stuff.
All your questions are really valid questions. They are not questions that should be put aside. That's why it is good to work a program. I think as a codependent I don't really know who, what, when will meet my needs. I have a really idealistic view of relationships that isn't practical. I have a very impulsive nature. I also have a quick tongue and can lash out at people. Since I left the A I have told him many times that I don't want anything more to do with him I don't preface that with insults anymore but I do mean it. I don't think that is something he welcomes i'm sure he finds it abusive. I don't think personally it is abusive to set limits.
The issue for me personally is that while the A was destroying himself and his life I lost myself. I lost my sense of who I was, what my goals were, any pleasure I had in the world. I became totally obsessed with what was he going to do next. The A who I was with wasn't always a total self destuct nightmare but because of my codependency I became totally immersed in what was the state of our relationship 24/7. I wasn't looking at it in a practical way, did we have enough in common (not really), did we have common goals (nope), did we get along (by then no way), did we have good communication(nope). I looked at it that he was the problem and I wasn't. Clearly by then my resentment was toxic and I was really lashing out all the time or sullen with resentment.
I felt that I was the committed one and he wasn't. In fact I wasn't committed to anything but being self destructive too by my codependency. All that bitterness and resentment clouded every aspect of my life. In fact now one year later its still very much there and I can flip into bitterness and resentment in one second.
As a codependent I don't know what is a sucessful relationship, I know what enmeshed is and I know that is certainly what I had. I know I enabled the A all the time. Toby Rice Drew has some nice really compassionate views on enabling and when to step in and step out. Al anon has some really great strategies on how to live with an A, how not to live with an A and how to look at yourself. I used to very much have a timeline on recovery. When was it going to get better, how fast could I do it?
I left the A and my life didn't become a fairy tale. Then I started on myself. I am still working on myself its hard stuff. I'd love to leap into the sunset with someone to take over for me. I find it hard going but I know what leaping into the sunset got me.
I'm working on getting better. I don't know that there is a timeline for me of when it will be much much better but it is better. I live around dysfunctional addicts who are self absorbed and self destructive I hate it but I don't have a choice about that financially right now. I limit my interactions but they are there in the background and their choices affect me, not as much as living with an A but there is a trickle down no matter what I do. I keep trying to get to better choices. I keep working on exchanging better choices for the ones I have, gradually over time and tremendous effort it gets better.
hi, im feeling lost and so sad i dont know what to do. ever since my p/o told me my kids father had to leave our residence ive been so lost without him.i sit day in and day out worry myself to death over him and wonder if im ever going to see him again.my p/o says hes bad for me and wants me to file a petition with family court for a pfa order.i dont know what to do cause i really love this man but i dont want my p/o to be on my A and violate me for some chump up bullsh.cause im not doing anything against the law.what should i do? sad and all alone here,THERESA
Hi Teresa, and welcome. It looks to me like you have been clicking "reply" to write your message, and so what happens is your reply appears at the bottom of someone else's thread, so people don't know you need your own reply.
Instead, try clicking "Start New Topic" - that button is at the upper right of your screen on the Alanon page, near where it says "logged in as". That way you will create your own topic and people will know to reply to you.
Oh, and by the way - if you're using your real name as a user name, you might think of changing it. This is an anonymous program, but anybody can google the site, so if it's your real name, it would pop up in a search.
