The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
6 months ago a friend of mine suggested I get rid of my dogs. He thought it was best I get rid of them because he knew what was better for me than I did.
I became incredibly distraught and felt abandoned.
6 months later her emails me and suggests I give him my sisters address in case something happens to me. Keep in mind he is not my emergency contact but he's become convinced something might happen to me. After a few years of program and a lot of boundaries I say "oh" rather than go into double over reaction. I don't even question him about his conviction. He demands I resume contact with my sisters (not something I am going to do as I am in heavy therapy about childhood issues - now is not the time I don't tell him that - its none of his business). I don't tell him its none of his business either. I say nothing. I let it go (not something I'm good at). I don't even point out he has a really restrained problem with his own family (that is none of my business now).
I still like him I don't have to banish him from my life just keep him and his control needs at arms length. He's not a monster anymore he was a monster so I thought when he suggested I get rid of my dogs. Now I see that as his opinion rather than a mandate for me.
Progress not perfection.
My life is full of problems, full of issues, full of survival needs. I have to remind myself I am progressing.
I don't see it unless I own it. I see myself as hopelessly flawed incompetent and not going anywhere. I am going but the progress isn't necessarily want I demand of myself this very minute! Maresie.
One part of having boundaries is being able to see advice for what it is - someone else's input. It isn't 'orders' or 'instructions' that you have to follow. It isn't unjustified butting in, which you have to repudiate. It's just their ideas about your situation. If they know you well, and have good insight, their advice is probably worth listening to, or at least giving some thought to. If they don't, then the advice probably isn't worth much. Either way, it's not an insult - it's not anything, really.
All you ever have to do with advice is say "I'll think about that, thank you" and then do what you think is best.
No this guy is fairly controlling. He doesn't give advice, he gives mandates. I just don't have to take them on anymore. I used to feel so frustrated that he didn't see me. He's fully aware my family of origin is dysfunctional (so is his!). He just projects.
I no longer have to take on the projections. I was totally distraught over his "suggestion" I get rid of the dogs as at that time I was more dependent on him emotionally. I set great distance after that. Now I can listen to him and not buy in.
Boundaries are indeed beautiful things. I forget I have to practice for quite a while before I see results. I expect miracles. No wonder I feel so frustrated and fed up.
