The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
tired today..a little bored..a little angry..a little lonely..a little hungry
meeting this morning..therapy this afternoon...i think i'll see a movie tonight..or read a book
i just feel a bit shot out at the moment
one of those hump day wednesdays
a guy in the meeting this morning spoke of his life...his drug and alcohol use..standing on the corner..the little guy getting beat up..chasing after the older kids for guidance..the music..the loneliness..the pain
it was spell binding..i loved his share..reminded me of myself
so many tools..so many words..so much to ponder in the day
just feeling a bit out of wack here..think i'll go out and get a cup of coffee or some food..talk to some stranger on the street..make my heart and head feel better
don't mean to sound marose...just watched part of the bob dylan movie that came out this year...i think its call you are nowhere???,,,or something like that..a bit downtrodden and humbling..always loved dylan
sorry about that..think i hit a wrong button and reposted something i already put down
anyway..pretty good day today...hit up a meeting and felt great after words...my lady is in the depths of grieve on the anniversary of her brothers death amongst other things
she was trying to convince me..or at least stating her opinion about the programs i am dealing with..such as this and na aa
she thinks its a cult she thinks its crap..i think her thinking is messed up
always seems like the ones who have a problem with their substance of choice and the affects it has on them and others in their lives are the first to reprimand na aa alanon
they are scared..or they just don't see things the way i do..or at least i need to see them right now
i will continue to come back and go to meetoings and continue to work steps...not necesarily for my drug and drinking problems but for my problem..me...and its a way to research my life..inventory my life..get a handle on me and my surroundings and deal with everything in a much better way
i have learned that i may have many care taking abilities that have back fired on me..taking care of others before taking care of myself...this seems to be changing dy by day as i continue this process and hopefully it will continue to progress
no..i am not out of this relationship and certainly i am still not one hundred percent sure if i want out yet..but that is ok with me right now as i do take things slowly and one day at a time..when i am ready for either a split or not i will know when the time is right for me and when i need it..and no one else will tell me different except my higher power which i believe is watching out for me and helping to guide me towards his will and not mine
cause now i know my will has put me in some difficult situations and difficult times
so right now..even though i am angry..pent up..a bit nervous..anxious..etc..i am also happy..somewhat content in knowing that right now i am doing the best i can and i am taking steps to make my life the best it can be in the program and out
my sharing in meetings seems to be getting more focussed and more profound to me..a bit more straight on and less all over the place...maybe i am getting better helthier and well
i resent my girlfriend for her views but i have to understand this is where she is at and this her thinking and it has little if nothing to do with me
i can choose to let it bother me..which it does or not
maybe that is my next step..to really focus in on choices..almost deciding how i am gonna let others affect my mood..my thinming and my day
i am grateful right now for my beginning in recovery and i am even grateful for my girlfriend who in a small way pushed me in this direction with her attitude and drinking
i am ashamed to be alive at times and i am ashamed at times to have to go through all of this but i feel i am getting stronger..wiser..clearer and more direct as the days go on
this is not a cult for me..this is wisdom and courage and a sort of righteousness which i need..and deffinitely not self rightiousness cause i refuse to tell other people how to run their lives and how to think..a little suggestion here and there may go a long way but i am here for myself right now..i am here to reclaim my life..recapture my spark and get healthier and clearer one moment at a time..one day at a time
and for the naysayers..well..continue your paths of self destruction and denial as i continue my path of less self destruction and hopefully less denial
in the end we will all meet up and i have been their..for over thirty years kicking my own butt
and really i don't want or even need to do that to myself anymore
i have found that the world itself is a challenge..living day by day and moment by moment and maybe have finally realized i need to be my own best friend..my own best companion next to my higher power cause that is how i am feeling today
resentments are boiling up under my skin..i am writing about them and even asking my higher power for release of them
Ah, yes, the 'cult' thing. The AA chat rooms are full of drunks coming in all the time, telling them that it's all a cult and they are brainwashed. Not much that can be said - "Oh well, cult or not, it works for me. How are your choices working for you?"
When I was living with an active drinkier, what worked best for me was just to assume that he was going to drink and drug, and that he would be unreliable, late for everything, gone a lot, not necessarily faithful, etc. As long as he was at the same time giving me what I wanted from the relationship - he was a pretty sweet and fun guy a lot of the time, not a bad dad, my best friend in lots of ways, a good provider - I had decided that that was enough for me. Over the years we had knocked out agreement on what I would NOT stand for, and both of us knew where those lines were. Once I stopped torturing both of us with resentment over what he wasn't and instead tried to appreciate what he was, we were fairly happy, a good part of the time. And, once he sobered up, it didn't change much. Sure, he wasn't drinking, but he was still the same guy.
