The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dear MIP family, I am back home after my brother's death. It was/is a very sad time for me. I loved my brother very much. We were the two oldest of six and grew up together and no matter where we were we always kept contact and knew that the bond we had as children was strong. My siblings who drink and who are alcoholics in denial did their usual and get drunk and stupid a few times. But, with the tools of the program I was able to take care of me first. I was able to be compassionate. I was able to put boundaries in place. I was able to say NO and let that be a complete sentence.
While I was there my husband relapsed and was put in the hospital because he was drunk and fell down and someone called the medics. Not the homecoming I would of wanted. He is still in the hospital and will come home today or tomorrow. I did not rush from the airport to the hospital. I did not go to the hospital yesterday. I took the day to recover from my trip back east and to take care of myself. I did talk to him on the phone and I did realize I can love him, but not sit and worry for hours at the hospital. There is nothing I can do about what he did to himself. For me this was detachment. I took care of me and he has to take care of himself. Am I angry...you bet I am but I'm dealing with letting go of the anger. I am angry that he relapsed and I"m angry he wasn't there for me when I needed him to be. But, my HP has sent people in my life to be there for me. I have alot to process from the past week and I need to put my needs first. Thank you all for the love and prayers you sent while I was in Pittsburgh. I was able to be with my brother when he passed and those prayers and love helped.
What an incredible post- really inspiring. I really appreciate how you are feeling your feelings and working the program. I cannot imagine how hard it must be with your recent loss but your words: "HP has sent others to be there for me" are so true! And when it comes down to it, THEY ARE! We are where we are supposed to be according to HP and the people that are in our lives are there for a reason. So much I never got and kept expecting from my (soon 2 B x) AH! SO MUCH: hitting my head against the wall over and over. If there had not been an issue of domestic violence in my situation, I think I could have stuck it out through my growth in this program because now I can understand how insane I WAS MAKING IT MYSELF!!!
My best thoughts and prayer are with you, your post made a difference to me today. Hugs, J.
What a program. I have been struggling with my roommates who are all dysfunctional. I come home after a 12 hour day they can't even take out the trash! There had been a problem in the bathroom and none of them can even spray fresh air spray in there.
The odd thing is I see myself there. One of my roommates just took up with his alcoholic ex wife. All weekend he ministered to her, he was up and down the street all weekend, buying ice cream, beer (she still drinks of course) and soliciting her every need. Nows she's gone he's catatonic.
He's also smoking marjuana which I can't stand at all and the smell lingers everywhere. I had a row with another roommate about that because she felt I should be compassionate to his depression and put his needs before mine! Wow those days are gone thank goodness. I would have rolled over totally before. Last night I told him firmly that I had to spray fresh air spray because of his marjuana use. I am not putting my needs last anymore. I'm not nasty but I am also not beating about the bush either.
I am so so so sorry your husband went back out. I am so thrilled you could take care of yourself no matter what. I burned myself totally into the ground taking care of an A last year!
Thank you for modelling the program so bravely. Maresie.
Way to work your program. I can identify with your anger and sadness. My AHsober has not been there for me when I need him the most. But so many people including strangers have appeared to help. I hope I can do the same for others. Thanks for your post.
Oh Rosie... you made me cry... I'm so sorry you have not had the support you needed from your AH and family. And to lose a brother you are close too... It seems we have so much loss at times with little or no support. Everyone thinks I am so strong, a survivor, blah, blah, blah,.... I have hurt so bad at times that I thought my chest would cave in. Here is a hug, a prayer, and my highest praise to you... Thank you for sharing.
Personally I wish I could have had the tool of detachment when the A was not there for me. I remember well being in the hospital twice and the A was not there or he was present and needed something from me. He did not clean the house or do any of the things I needed. My detachment was simply total exhaustion and to have to bury how I felt. Then came the simmering resentment that built and built like a concerto and eventually exploded and became a chronic ilness in itself.
I couldn't detach and see him for who he was. I took it all really personally and felt he gave more to others than he did to me. I see now of course (one year after separation) he always had little to give anyone. Somehow I got this fantasy that someone somewhere was getting something from him I wasn't. They weren't of course, they got his superficial affabiity and attention and I envied them that.
The A I was was never capable of being there it wasn't something he gave to others and stiffed me on. If I could have seen that I would have saved myself a great deal of grief, resentment and pain. I didn't have al anon then and I didn't want it. I wanted revenge, for him to change and for me to stay the same.
Now I've changed and who knows what he has done I work pretty hard not to find out!
I'm so sorry you have not had the support you needed from your AH and family. And to lose a brother you are close too... It seems we have so much loss at times with little or no support. Everyone thinks I am so strong, a survivor, blah, blah, blah,.... I have hurt so bad at times that I thought my chest would cave in. Here is a hug, a prayer, and my highest praise to you... Thank you for sharing.
for you lots since your last post.
ya,