The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Even though I feel like my program is pretty strong I still struggle with wanting certain people to act, behave and 'be" a certain way. I will most likely struggle with this a little all my life. At least now, I can step back and observe this behavior and make changes to correct it.
I know that when I feel this old push/pull/struggle (wishing, longing, if only, it used to be's, etc.), I know its about ME and my stuff and not them. I know that this is my super old dysfunctional alcoholic behavior, MY disease in the merry go round of alcoholism (a really great al-anon pamphlet by the way, in case you have not read it). In these moments I can just STOP. In these moments I can put my arm around myself and have a heart to heart with myself and say: "Jean, its OK, they are going to do/be what they are and that is totally OK and not anything you have any control over or say in. What they do/say has nothing to do with you, actually, its everything to do with them" and let it go to HP. end of struggle...
I have a couple of daunting weeks coming up and a daunting month of August. SO MUCH on my plate. But today- well, today is just a-ok, man! sooo, I am gonna stay right here in today and leave the next few weeks and the month of August to my HP who is way better at being there than I am!
Wow Jean - that spoke right to me. I've had to catch myself COUNTLESS times over the past few days, and have that very same chat with myself. It's like I want to shake myself and say, "Come on, girl. You KNOW better than this. Get out of this stinking thinking!" You're right. What they do/say has everything to do with them. How I REACT to it has everything to do with me.
My August, too, is DAUNTING. It's coming wickedly fast. And I pray every day that I've properly prepared myself - mind, body, and spirit - to handle WHATEVER comes my way in August. HP's got me, that much I know. So as long as I keep on track, I know I will be okay.
Hi from Mortimer, I am new to this forum. I have a A son. I have been "helping" financially and trying to "take on" his burdens and I realize I need to stop. I tried to get on "step" page but I hit a wrong button and I couldn't get on that page. Maybe there is some way I can get onto it as I am tired of living the way I'm living.
Mortimer, welcome. Are you going to face to face meetings? If you possibly can, try it. There are a lot of people here in exactly the same boat as you are - take a look through old posts and you will find some discussions that speak to you.
Changing my expectations is really really hard. I have to though because walking around a heap of resentment is so so toxic. I am so grateful for your honesty.
I am also trying to plan ahead. What do I need, what do I want, what can I do to take care of me. I'm exhausted but less frustrated.
I'm also doing the normal go full throttle in therapy and I'm not sure I have the bandwidth to do it.
Last night I realised my dogs are still really traumatized by what the exA did to them. I am going to have to work on making them happier and more secure. I have been in denial about what some of their behavior meant. They are very clingy to me and I need to work on getting them more active and relaxed. They deserve to have a nice life after what they have been through.
You know I can be totally detached around some people and other people just are like nails on a chalkboard to me. I've decided its all about boundaries. I need better ones!
Yeah, I just got a nails on the chalkboard email from my soon to be x...practice, practice, practice!! Breathe- don't take it in, don't take the bait- hold myself, breathe, its nothing to do with me, I do not need to respond at all. I can put that email into my divorce file and not look at it in my inbox. I can tuck it away into the place it needs to be and get on with my day which has been going well so far- his words will affect me for a few minutes and then I will let it go for my HP to deal with. I do not make myself not feel the feelings because that would be toxic, too- I feel it: the rage, the anger, the frustration. Feel it down deep, let it wash over me. But only for a certain amount of time. Then its time to get on with all the positive and wonderful things going on in my life of which there are LEGION!!
I will focus on all the wonderful notes, messages and emails I have gotten from all the other incredible people in my life instead of obsessing about the one lone nasty email from him. I am not taking this personally, thanks to this program!
What a phenomenal way to look at things. I take everything personally. I am working on reducing my stress load. My health gives out after a certain time. Thanks for reminding me there are ways to be in the world without being a puddle on the floor.
I don't know if that desire or feeling that we can change people ever goes fully away, but I DO think we learn to recognize the futility and/or insanity of us truly thinking that we can change them...
I had a counsellor one time... who was listening to me go on and on (and on & on), very distraught about my wife's drinking at the time,and all the chaos that was at my home.... I was bawling my eyes out, almost uncontrollably, as there simply didn't seem to be any hope.... He gently asked me, between my sobs, if I "still thought I could control my wife's drinking", to which I sobbed..... "Yes".....
He then asked me, very nicely (as I cried my eyes out) - "and how is that working for you thus far??"
It was a very needed moment of levity, and even in my despair, I just had to laugh at the insanity of my thinking....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
this is such a good reinforcement for me - feel the feelings wash over me rather than internalize it and implode later plus let it go to HP and get on with my good day
easy to say and slowly, slowly, slowly gets easier to do this im less and less time eventually. That you can do this daily gives me great hope. Someday my program can be that strong but until then I will not beat myself up if it takes a week, that is way better than the months or never ever before al anon.
I am just beginning to accept that slow changes will mean the change will be stronger and part of the daily routine instead of crisis management only.
You are doing really well with ever continuing progress. Yah hoo girl!!
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Yeah, u guys, this is really "it" in a nutshell for me- thinking I can, feeling like I should, its such old old wiring for me! But slowly, I am working on that wiring. At least I can trace it and see that is what it is: wiring- its not "nature", its not "normal", its not "ok", its not "how its meant to be", etc. Its plain ROTTEN!!!! HA! It is something I can change, if I have the courage to do so- its one of the only things I CAN change- something I DO have control over.
