The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I got up and started out with an old habit that I wish my brain would unlearn! I started going through my pity pot list. This was how my days started before alanon. It would start with my first waking moment. I would replay my list of gripes, resentments until I had a terrible attitude set for the day. I remember in my early days I would lay in bed and go through thoughts that pretty much guaranteed I would have a good cry before my first cup of coffee and then spend the rest of the day working on recovering from the hurts that had been handed down for years. Although if I am honest there were days that I let my pity pot have the place of honor in the house and left it out for days on end.
Today I kind of shook myself and said why? Why add to the chip on you shoulder? I have nicked away at that chip for long enough! Why relive the sadness? I sure can't do anything about it today. Why in the heck don't ya wake up and start off with the memories of the happy times? There are plenty of them. Why? Guess cause I am comfortable with the old way. It takes no work. The old easy way out. Like I use to tell my kids..."The easy way is usually not the best way" In this case it has been proven over and over again it does not lead to my best days. Hard to take your own advice isn't it.
So this morning I started over. I got the heck out of bed and grabbed a piece of paper and started writing. I AM GRATEFUL FOR......
I also printed out a nice sign from the computer, A thought that saved many days from Abe Lincoln..
Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!
I follow this up with the question..Well Greta? How happy do you want to be? It really is the attitude thing isn't it?
Do you have a problem like this? What do you do when you catch yourself in the act? I will be interested to hear.
You know I am trying super hard to make it what can I do to make my life acceptable to me. I spoke to a friend last night. I have to learn to accept where I am and where I can be. I find that hard going. Pity is so much more interesting. A friend of mine who wants to control me says something about my younger sister calling because she's concerned about me and I can let it go right by me and then I'm reminded I have a program!
I find reality really really hard. I don't like it one bit.
I know where fantasy got me. I know what kinds of fantasies I had about the A getting better and giving us a better life. I know where that took me.
I never have liked my reality not one second of it. I have to find a way to live with it.
when I start going down this road the first best thing I can do is just simply STOP. Stop going down that road. Its real simple. I quit all the thinking, wondering, listing, etc. Just stop it all.
This is the very best thing I can do. Because if I can simply stop, then I can STOP, you know what I mean? I guess by stopping it means I know what I am doing and can pass it off to HP asap.
stopping means awareness- this is a great post- I will look forward to what others say- hugs, J.
I know for me the role of victim/martyr feels very comfortable. Oddly enough now when I see someone acting out the role I no longer feel as empathic as I used to. I mean in the sense chronically acting out the role not experiencing victimization.
I know poor me I don't know good for me.
Every day I have to keep working on what progress have I made, tiny as it is I am moving in the right direction.
I do as Jean suggests stop now. If I'm in a relationship and it gets toxic if I can I put tremendous space in there and leave if I have to. My days of staying in and feeling committed to toxicity are over. I can't control everything in my life but I do not commit to those kinds of interactions anymore. For me that is tremendous work because I know toxicity and dysfunctionality geography very well. Everything else, anything functional seems very foreign.
