The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been posting before about my experience with my ex A who has been in my life. I know that I am going through the grieving process and right now I'm in the pissed off stage. Gawd am I pissed off. He sounds so happy in Florida and he's living his life and doing his own thing and I'm still dealing with the fall-out. He has no urgency to close out accounts that have his name on it and he keeps telling me that he's sorry for my pain, but you know what? That's not good enough. I picked him up from trash and dusted him off, supported him, bought him a car, paid for him to get his license back, and after 4 years of his drinking he just goes off and doesn't look back.
Am I just bitter because I demand justice? I want him to experience what he's wrought. He seems to be getting away with everything. He always got what he wanted no matter what. I know that though now he's 4 years older and looking much more ragged for his drinking that he'll be hard pressed to find someone who helped him as much as I did. I know wishing ill on people is not right but I just want him to reap what he sowed - to get back what he puts out in the world.
I don't think you'd be human if you weren't ticked off, for the loss of dreams, hopes, etc.... Plus, you truly care (or cared) about this person, and to see him drink is life away is a tremendous shame. Anger is all a part of our process of recovery....
You will find, in time, that it just doesn't do YOU any good, and will want to get to healthier feelings for YOU..... That's where our recovery - through Al-Anon and other areas - really kicks in..... When you want to get past all that anger and resentment, and get on with your life, in a healthy way....
You'll get there.... and it's seldom a straight line....
Take care of you
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Gared, every relationship has its dynamics, it takes two people, Its not your fault that your A was an addict. To begin your recovery you have to think about what was your part in this relationship. When you are angry with the A, you are in fact angry at yourself also. I would get so angry at the A, when in fact I was really angry at myself, for letting him push my buttons, losing control and my serenity at the same time. You cannot change the past. It is what it is. Stay with program, keep reading the literature and really concentrate on the letting go part. Life is full of unexpected suffering , what we do with our experiences is up to us. We can gain strength , courage and confidence when we face our reality and look it square in the face. Difficulties can then be a source of dynamic new growth and positive progress. I wish you peace and serenity, luv, Bettina
Rescue is a hard one for me. All last summer I took care of the A. I was in this group at the time, thank goodness, and was honest about what I was doing. Eventually and with the gift of the program I stopped rescuing. I started detaching more. I now admit to having no control over the exA. I am willing to look at my part in it. I also understand totally the extenuating circumstances.
Sometimes the fantasies that underlay my life is what fells me. Last summer it was that the A was going to come around and be grateful. He never was, still isn't and probably won't be. I saw his being grateful as something that would nuture me. Now I'm having to look at what does nuture me. Certainly he was not much of a source of that for years. At one time he was. He was not always the monster he became but that man is now gone.
Naturally we have a lot of feelings of grief and anger about the break up of a relationship. I've chosen not to really know what the A is doing. Its a tool I've learned here to not know. I actively work on not knowing a lot. There are still certain things I am obsessive about and not willing to let go of. Other times I can really honesty embrace I have no control over anything but myself.
I wouldn't dream of suggesting your grief, anger or fear is going to dissipate soon. The tools of the program do help, detaching helps. I've long long long time now got to the point of knowing that expressing anger to the A goes nowhere. Do I still have some sure. I stopped expressing it to him though.
For me the feelings of frustration, anger, and rage were pretty difficult to work through. They still are. I work on not being frustrated at what the A is doing. I also did not end all contact with him overnight. I kept contact with him for 6 months. There are still after one year things I have not yet been willing to do to move on. I am working on looking at those. I try to put together a list and pray over it.
I have had tremendous resentment towards the A over my present situation. I try to channel some of that rage into action. I don't always do well at that.
I share often how I feel and try to work on how can my life be better rather than to imagine, fantasize or wonder about his life. Who knows what he is doing. I don't even guess anymore. That helps.
Severing contact with the A was really hard for me. I felt like it was forever to undo all the issues. Eventually there did come a point where there was nothing left to say. That wasn't because issues were resolved. I think it was because I was tired to the bone with being frustrated to the max.
I hear you Maresie, I have been tired to the bone, you said it the best. I know what has helped me and thats too really turn to myself. It really helped me to be peaceful and serene, to know that I am my own best friend. Really open and engage and experience the greater self. When we are closed off we are putting forth our "lesser self" so then we tend to delude ourselves. When our view point expands beyond the boundaries of our present existence to include the entire, eternal universe, we can live deeply fulfilling lives. My prayer for you is to live a fullfilling life, now at this moment. Luv, Bettina
Heck Yeah Gared! He sure as heck deserves something to happen. And heck yeah you're mad as heck. Screw him and his illness! He just picks up and leaves you with the mess. Oh don't get me started!!!!!
Last night our meeting was about retribution. And here is what I shared: What ever revenge I took on my ex or those that hurt me was NEVER as good as the stuff that happened to them when I stepped away and let go and let God (get 'em!) Just like we say here that when we let go of our expectations and of the outcome, God is free to step in and do it better than we could even imagine, well, for me the same has been true with retribution.
I do not believe that my God is a punishing God at all. That is not what I am saying. I am saying when I took myself out of the role of judge and jury, when I stopped trying to impose MY punishments on the wrong doer, the natural consequences of their actions took over. And I didn't have to do a darn thing. Except the happy dance (hey, I'm not that mature yet).
But I do have a hard time some days waiting for the karma bus to round the corner on ex. Then again, I am living my life and not really that concerned with him and how "great" his life looks. He still has a disease and always will. That is sad. I don't have to concern myself with him for one more precious second.
Hate him, honey, you're right, it is part of the process. Use that anger energy to to motivate you in what you need to do to cut ties with a man who you no longer want to be attached to. Use that anger energy to keep your own side of the street clean. Live your best life. You are worth it!!!
) Just like we say here that when we let go of our expectations and of the outcome, God is free to step in and do it better than we could even imagine, well, for me the same has been true with retribution.