The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is always a happy drunk until tonight. He really frightened my daughter and me.
He goes to play trivia at the bar on Tues nights which is over around 10 pm. He came home at 1 am and from what my daughter said, he sat down, lit a cig and passed out in the chair..........which is normal.
So, I'm awaken at 2am b/c my daughter says Daddy is in the bathroom passed out on the toilet. He had to rouse him 3 x to get him up and out and when he came out he was in a daze.
He got in bed and the smell of beer coming from him was almost making my nose burn. I told him to get out of bed and go sleep downstairs and after telling him that twice, he got out of bed and flipped out on me. "xxxx" this, "xxxx" that, yelling at me.
I went downstairs to get a drink and he told me I better not stay down and better get the hell away from him. I told him why I told him not to sleep with me. The "xxx" stuff started again, he called me the B word, and then he put both his fists up in front of him and tightened them and said to me "I swear, if you dont stop...." I wasnt doing anything. I wasnt egging him on or trying to talk about it. So I threatened to call the cops on him so he cursed at me some more. He tried to blame his behavior on "just being tired". He has never, ever been a nasty drunk. This is the 1st time.
I cant move out b/c I'm on disability and have limited monthly income and prob not enough for rent, etc. My daughter has a savings acct in which she gets SSD money because of me but his name is on the acct w/ her and I have no access.
I'm just in total shock right now. I wanna run. Funny thing is, tomorrow or actually today, we have our first counselling session together to attempt to find ways to communicate better and be more satisfied in the marriage and not fight all of the time.
I'm just in a blur sitting here at 4:15 in the morning. Sorry to babble, just needed to tell someone and vent.
My first thought is, maybe he's got a better chance of acknowledging there's a problem if he wakes up on the toilet. And you've definitely got a better chance of not getting yelled at if you don't wake him from his stupor. Leave him there.
My second thought is, if that's the only bathroom though, what does everybody else do? And I don't have a good answer for that one. Do the camping thing? Pee in the shower? Have chamber pots?
Actually the thing that scared ME the most was the falling asleep with a lit cigarette. Have you taken whatever precautions you can against fire? Fire extinguisher on site, escape ladder if there's an upstairs, windows not painted shut if not? Emergency overnight bag with important documents, or copies, already at a friend's house or a 24-hour storage facility?
Counelling session perfect , share about what happened last nite , don't help him keep the secret anymore , another person in the room is a safe place to talk . take advantage of it and tho were not supposed to give advice I am going to hehe find a way to get that account in yours and daughters name and do it quick this is a progressive disease always gets worse never better , threating is unexceptable at any time , but remember they will do anything to get us off their back and out of their face . so be careful and do follow thru with the police if it happens again , until he is made responsible for his actions nothing will change . Louise
Don't ever confront your A when he is drunk. Let him sleep wherever he ends up. You can move him in the morning when he has slept it off if thats the only bathroom you have. If not leave him there until he wakes, even if he misses work. I have been there, many times, it is thru experience that I speak. Luv, Bettina
Many of us can relate to this. You are not alone in dealing with this.
I know for me one thing I have to do still in my life is not engage with people who are drunk or using something. If I do I get something like you did, a barrage of abuse.
Of course all this is very difficult when you are in a house and frightened of what an A might do.
In Al anon we work on getting to a place were we no longer enable the A when they are using. Naturally that is pretty difficult to do. No one said it was easy. Living with an active A is never easy.
Al anon does give us some tools to work with an impossible situation. Al anon doesn't change that situation, an A may drink, use, cause problems. How we respond to it changes.
This isn't an easy program. I find it pretty hard going personaly. For me its an essential program.
I got to the point of not being able to function at all before I'd work it.
Many many many of us are in a position where we can't up and leave an A just like that. You are not alone in that.
There are options though, there are always options. I still don't like any of my options today and I'm in my 4th year of the program. I don't like them I want better options so I work on getting better options.
Reality for some of us is very very very very hard. My reality living with an active A was really really painful. I've now left an active A I still have a painful reality. My problems didn't end when I left him and I work to change them daily but they don't just evaporate.
I don't want to sound grim or like it isn't worth doing this program. I think it is. I spend day in day out working on a program. I have found enormous peace, solace and care here but my problems didn't just evaporate. The more I work a program the better my life gets but it isn't a peacy keen wonderful life by any means. I find it really hard going but less overwhelming every single day.
