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I have shared with everyone about my sons Tramatic Brain Injury and my inability to know what is enabling and was is not. I am so confused at times and I cannot let it go. I cannot watch TV or do anything it seems but process and re-process decisions I need to make. In an effort to let go I am again posting and asking for insight from others?
My son has gone back to our home town. No one can get a straight answer from him about his plans. He has braces on but never made his apointment so I'll get charged for a missed appointment. I gave him the information needed to start his Victims Compinsation payments but he has not followed through with that. He has made arrangments to stay with a family friend, which is a clean house. But has not been back to her home and I know she will set rules that he will not follow.
I finally spoke with him today and he was at the beach... I tried to find out his plans and basically he said he planned on staying over there because it is to easy to get coke over here. I asked if he was staying clean and he said he has not done any coke but has been drinking some. He claims that right now he needs to just worry about the coke...
Bottom line is he is playing, drinking and still not taking care of responsibilities but tries tio make it sound like he is struggling with coke addiction so the rest is all ok. Its not OK with me though!
My question I'm struggling with is his auto insurance. I pay $200 a month for his insurance. I feel like dropping him is vindictful in a way because he is not doing what I think he should. Dropping the insurance will not stop him from driving. It will only eventually result in tickets he will not be able to pay etc.
So am I enabling by paying, or I being vindicted to drop him in an attempt to control??? I truthfully do not know!
Question two.. and I already started the process but am I wrong to take care of the victims comp? I can put it in a bank account for him later. The money will be gone if we do not claim it now. I am not rich so helping him financially is not an option. I feel that if he does come around then it will be helpful. Also if his cell phone gets disconnected the family has no way to contact him. That is scary considering his injury. Yea I realize I sound rediculous but please remember the brain injury is REAL.... He is like a little boy sometimes. His excutive functioning is delayed, problem solving, depression, etc. How do I help him?????
Mom, you don't sound ridiculous at all. That is why we are here. Because so many of us have been there too. My son is in the military. I am going thru similar things with him. He has been overseas in combat three times and worse for the wear. He has physical problems and suffers from PTSD. His finances are a disaster. I have paid for car payments, rent, utilizes, outrageous loans (high interest rates - they prey on the military), misc bills and now the baby doesn't have diapers, food, etc. He drinks and how can you drink when you don't have money for baby food? I pay for his phone now because that is the only way to keep in contact with him. I have told him that I won't pay for anything else. Call your dad. I go to Alanon meetings and read the literature. It is difficult to say no but somewhere in there they have an HP to take care of them. How do I help him? By helping our selves in recovery.
With mental challenges it's a really hard call. How about getting the compensation and making his car insurance payments with it? That way you aren't feeling bad for paying for it and it is his money being used to pay for what is his to pay for anyway.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You are in such a hard place. I have paid all the same things for my A Son, plus some others that I don't want to think about anymore. Right now I give him nothing because I am working to pay back all the debt I incurred running around like a maniac thinking that if I paid for rehabs, health insurance, cars, rent, the vet for his dog, lawyers, etc, I would be protecting him and setting him up not to drink. I learned the hard way that it doesn't work like that. It just made me crazier. You son does have additional problems, so maybe you need to do what makes you most comfortable right now. It might be good to get the Victims comp and not tell him. If knowing you can contact him by phone helps you then do it. But remember, they can always find a phone when they need help. The car is a difficult problem, I know. It's as if we want to protect them from consequences they will have to face in the future, someday when they are sober. Right now my son owes so much money and he pays no attention to it and he drives without a license, but not in any car I own. Right now his in laws are tending to him. He is not drinking, just in limbo as he tries to figure out his next step. They do everything for him. I do nothing, but deep down I am taking advantage of the situation because I know that every day he is with them, he is safe, and I can relax. (((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))) Laura
I dunno how can you get charged for his appointments?
Isn't the bill for him. Personally I would not pay that one.
I do think it is very very very normal to worry about someone who is acting self destructively. Many of us are over involved for a long long time.
I certainly was. Last summer I paid for everything for the A I was once involved with. He was homeless and apparently helpless. In hindsight he wasn't that helpless. He did not choose to do anything for himself while I was helping him. I certainly jumped right in there!
When I started to say no he did indeed step up to help. I felt absolutely terrified he was going to die, suicide and be homeless again. He certainly went through some very rough times but he is still very much alive and while not thriving manages somehow.
The only way I could do that (detach) was with this program. I'd put it all out there how worried I was and start sorting through what I couldn't do.
I have to say this helping him last summer was and still is a huge financial hole for me. I went without basics in my own life to help him. I am sure you are going without basics too. So for me it was essential to work on what do I have to give. In time I had less.
In time I started saying I had to have space for me. In time I was less available on the phone. I was less focused on him and more focused on me.
One year later I am well aware helping him hurt me. I am not even sure it really helped him that that much. Yes he had a roof over his head, food, things. He was never ever grateful for it for one second, his sense of entitlement was vast. Mine is non existent.
I hope you can turn your desire to help and save him to yourself. I understand full well the extenuating factors the other family members who should not suffer, the missed opportunities, the pain of seeing someone self destruct. All of us do. The issue for me was that helping him contributed to my own demise. I didn't have enough for me. I am no longer willing to go without for someone else.
There is a long long story to my taking back my life. One I won't go into here and more on the extenuating circumstances. I made and continue to make huge sacrifiices because I dealt with an A. I paid a price for it. The price today is less than it was last year but the price will be there for at least another 5 years there is no getting around that.
There ware ways if you use the Al anon tools that this process will be less overwhelming for you. The tools are there, learning to use them is tough, hard, infuriating sometimes but they are there and they help.
My heart goes out to you because not only are you trying to save your son from drugs, you are a mother who is worried about the TBI as well. My son suffers from TBI, and that in itself is a lot to cope with. In our area, the local hospital offers a brain injury support group. Maybe you could find one in your area to help you to understand/cope with the head injury. You never know if others are going through the same things as you.
