The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
a bit confused tonight...the girlfriend asked if i wanted her to spend the night...my answer was simply...if you want to...do i have to pick you up..
she hung up on that
i think she wants a full on over the top day in and day out relationship and i am still uncertain...and have been the entire time if this is what i want
somehow i feel like its not the right time or maybe not even the right woman for me...and i know..or suspect...that she will go out tonight...get and expect me to be her baby sitter...be the one that helps her out tommorrow
i am sick of the pattern but for some reason uncertain about letting it go
feeling caught in the middle
uncertain about how i feel
love her at times and at others simply want her to go the away
its a challenge...like tonight..maybe she will go out and find someone else or get laid...who knows...that is not typically her m o but who knows
love her at times but don't seem to really love her fully...with all my heart and soul...sort of putting up with ..but i am scared...scared of tommorow and any reprocusitions and even scared of tonight...will i be able to sleep
dosen't really sound like i love this woman all though part of me does...and i guess another part of me needs more time..more space and more time for myself
a bit over whelmed and a bit under nourished...i think..when it comes to a relationship which i really crave for or want or even need
sort of shaking in my boots here
i think i can be alone for a while..or maybe forever but i choose to continue to play this game...which at times is nice and loving and lovely and at others a complete tension filled uncomfortable mess
sounds like life love and relationships to me
any response would be helpful
i'm just trying to sort through ...figure out where the i stand with her...and of course mostly with myself
i love myself tonight..i think and want the best for me...and for her but am uncertain if we really have a future together
only time will tell??
one day at a time??
i think she is bored and angry and frustrated and lonely...so am i but i aient trying to use her to fill in my gaps right now and i do not feel like being used or even forced into a situation which i am unsure about
Been there...felt that...done that...said that and then found the hot line to the Al-Anon Family Groups and face to face meetings in Central Valley CA. I had first called Help in Emotional Trouble and they were all out to lunch (literally), then called the Suicide Prevention Center and they put me on hold. A God of beyond my understanding then helped me find the hotline number for Al-Anon and the short of that phone call was that I was told that my life depended on staying on the line and talking to the angel I never met that convinced me that the next Monday night meeting was where I was supposed to be at. She was right it saved my life. I listened to the steps and traditions, got lots of literature, continued to go for the next 90 days and the rest is a long history of peace of mind and serenity.
I recognize in your description of uncertainty my own uncertainty in which I married my alcoholic at the same time planning to break off the relationship. It was on her idea that I reacted rather than on my own awareness, wants and needs. That was my own "if you want to" response to the alcoholic. In just over 3 years and 8 months there was barely a shell of my mind, body, spirit and emotions left. That was the closest I have ever been to dead while still standing up. Everything was gone and if you want to just do some financial or material totals it would include 30k in dollars and two homes plus. We all have different yet similar stories and already much of yours is similar to my own.
I can tell you that when I started taking the suggestions of people who had been in recovery before me then my life started to change for the better and I started to enjoy some of the changes they had acquired.
My suggestion of an alternative for you is instead of going thru the pain of rescuing someone you don't think you should or should not be with go sit in on a meeting(s) of complete strangers who all know where you have been and are right now. It will be very different in that you will not be able to predict before hand or after how it will come out for you only that others you have not met formal on this site have suggested it because they have done it and been better off than usual.
What can you possibly loose? What can you possibly win? Try answering those two questions after attending face to face meetings.
You sound angry at yourself and the situation. You do have to continue making that choice.
thanks...i went to a meeting tonight...every monday night and friday afternoons for the past few weeks since i started going to alanon meetings...as well as na and aa for my own drug problems of the past??...hopefully
yes..i am finding some help and guidance in the meetings and all though..honestly...i haven't fully commited myself to the programs i may be well on my way..???!!!
half measures didn't work...i guess i still have a bit of work to do
the girlfriend just called..sounds like she i staying in..we made plans to meet tommorrow for a couple of hours...hopefully the night will go smoothly
i had lost my sense of freedom a lost my soul and spirit to cocaine and crack cocaine and even though part of this relationship nourishes me there is another part which pulls me down almost like i make the lady my higher power instead of my own higher power to guide me
so i can understand the part of fuffilling the others needs in spite of my own..i am working on turning that around...feel like i need to turn that around..gods will is tempting me in two different directions...or so it seems right now
i am willing at this moment to reach for my higher power to guide me through any turmoil which i feel...i hope i am up for the task
"do i have to pick you up somehow i feel like its not the right time or maybe not even the right woman for me...
love her at times and at others simply want her to go the away which at times is nice and loving and lovely and at others a complete tension filled uncomfortable mess
sounds like life love and relationships to me"
When I see posts like this, I always see most people answer their own questions, but are not ready to see it.
In my experience, no love it not all lovely and then tension filled. To me that is in no way love.
I can tell you from my experience and from experiences I see here.You will keep going back to her until you are ready to leave.
I use the analogy of learning about water. First we play in the shallow water,skip rocks,then we wade, further and further then we get to a place we sink in a bit and flap our arms around and lift our feet.
Then we start to move out when we feel comfy.Next thing we know we are sure we are ready and off we go.
By your words are you swimming to be with her, or are you taking steps to get away?
You will know when you know. Can promise you that. Until then,as you said one day at a time.
I appreciate the honestness in your post. I also want to tell you,when a person is in love,there is NO question about it.No being reserved,no questioning,no confusion.
For me, I absolutely do not want to waste time with someone who is not also my friend.A friend does not cause tension.
One thing I've come to learn is that we need to listen to those inner whispers and doubts. I used to think it was my own mind flopping back and forth but more times then not it is more like a tap on the shoulder from HP. If I don't listen to the whispers or pay attention to the taps I usually get smacked upside the head..lol Doubts, whispers, red flags...whatever they are called, it's usually a signal for me to pause and take some time for inner questions.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
i've spent my whole love life turning red flags green... meaning that i've made excuses for my girlfriend's bad behavior; ignored a lot of stuff that was totally unacceptable; and eventually, ignored those inner feelings enough to marry my Awife ~~ which led me to the most pain i've ever encountered.
that was my path, and it did serve me by bringing me to Al-Anon and program. i had no idea my thoughts were distorted till i started working, really working the steps and gaining insight into how i work.
you, charles, have an "in". you already know about program. you already see that there are benefits. you are already reaching out to find your path to happiness and joy... i would like to encourage you to share your feelings with your girlfriend (if you choose to continue your relationship), and keep things honest and communication open. you CAN tell her that her behavior is pressing your boundaries and you CAN tell her that you wish not to be around that toxic nature. then she can choose how to behave, and perhaps from that you will see whether she thinks you are worth it?!
good luck, my friend cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
(((((((((((((((((charlescharles)))))))))))))))) My heart went out to you as I read your post, and I found myself choking with greif for you at this moment in time. It spoke of saddness, of uncertainty, of resignation, of anger - these are ALL negative emotions.
And yet the positives were in the facts that you stated about having found programme and alanon, and honesty in your feelings and thoughts and considerations and in the courage it took to share with US for you have already been embraced here as one of the family of MIP.
My suggestion would be to go back and read your post again, line by line, sentence by sentence and whilst doing that grab a pencil and paper and write up a list of positive points/negative points. Study then and then be honest WITH YOURSELF, you are so worth a better life than this one you are living right now.
Remember that relationships flourish where there is HONESTY and that means two way HONESTY. Look after you too, for your words speak volumes about your thinking and feelings at this time. It NEVER pays TO USE someone, or BE USED by someone.
Holding you in prayer ((((charles)))), and hoping that you will take on board the wisdom of those who responded before me and those who will surely respond after me too; there is such a treasure trove of experience, understanding and empathy here. Dip into that chest and take out what you need to find happiness and resolution and step out on your programme of recovery with HEALTHY relationships not USABLE relationships.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Many of us here started in a relationship where we did not know the other person was an A. The alcoholism/addiction progressed over time and changed the relationship, bringing us to our knees from a situation that became intolerable. Sadly, love is not enough.
You are already down the road. It's important to remember that the disease is progressive and will only get worse.
I am very familiar with having my head tell me one thing and my heart and behaviors following another path. That misalignment is what is so troubling and mind-boggling. Never, never did I think my head and heart would align (and it is still a work in progress), but that is one of the miracles of al-anon.
I can only go with the others here and encourage you to immerse yourself in the program and give yourself time. It is not a quick fix, but as the testimonies show, so worth the wait. You deserve more than you are getting and certainly don't want a lifetime of it. Keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 10:51, 2008-07-08
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Like CJ I have spent my whole life turning red flags green. I have stood on my head for a relationshp and felt totally responsible for it. So much of my al anon program is now about not doing more than I can. Being aware of my limitations is so so so key. I now have things I do not want to deal with and that's okay. It is not a personal reflection on the other person.
For me love is no longer about how much can I bleed, its about a life that is comfortable and where love is something I give myself too rather than give it all away to everyone around me.
Welcome to MIP! If you stay and do the footwork, you will see the benefit. Miracles are happeneing every day. Here's something that might help you . . .
It take courage and honesty to end a relationship -- with friends, loved ones or a work relationship.
Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risking ending it.
Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take resonsiblity for ending the relationship.
We may be tempted to take a passive approach. Instead of saying how we feel, what we want or don't want, or what we intend to do, we may begin sabotaging the relationship, hoping to force the other person to do the difficult work.
Those are ways to end relationships, but they are not the cleanest or the easiest ways.
As we walk this path of self-care, we learn that when it is time to end a relationship, the easiest way is one of honesty and directness. We are not being loving, gentle, or kind by avoiding the truth, if we know the truth.
We are not sparing the other person's feelings by sabotaging the relationship instead of accepting the end or the change, and doing something about it. We are prolonging and increasing the discomfort -- for the other person and ourselves.
If we don't know, if we are on the fence, it is more loving and honest to say that.
If we know it is time to end a relationship, we can say that.
Endings are never easy, but endings are not made easy by sabotage, indirectness or lying about what we want and need to do.
Say what you need to say, in honesty and love, when it is time.
If we are trusting and listening to ourselves, we will know what to say and when to say it.
Today's reminder: Today, I will remember that honesty and directness will increase my self-esteem. God, help me let go of my fear about owning my power to take care of myself in all my relationships.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
and expect me to be her baby sitter...be the one that helps her out tommorrow
