The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tomorrow I have to go to court for the restraining order I filed against my AH, so I could at least have a little peace and quiet and get my stuff moved out of the house. Almost everything is moved, I just have a couple more things there, and as of tomorrow, I plan to stay at the apartment. I have not even stayed in it yet. I guess I am still holding in, haunting the rooms of our house like a ghost. Afraid to stay, afraid to go. Sleeping on an air mattress at the house. I am going to ask the court to let him move back to the house tomorrow. I won't be there, so he might as well be. I just realized this is the first time I will be truly on my own. When I got divorced before, I had my daughter move back in with me. Now she is married and has her own family. So......this time it will be just me. It is funny. This last big fight with AH that ended up with him leaving, and threatening me, was over me having a MySpace. He was convinced that I was having affairs and chatting with all kinds of guys on it. He told me to choose between him or MySpace. Well, I thought that was dumb, because I wasn't doing anything wrong on the MySpace, nothing for him to be jealous of. NOW, he has his own MySpace, and I looked it up (stupid, I know...) and all the friends he has on it are scantily clad and busty women. Hmmmm, could he be any more obvious???? I have not spoken to him since the end of June. I have not, and will not, let him know I even looked at his MySpace, but I think it is weird, here he was calling me all kinds of names, yet that is all he has on his page! Crazy! One good thing is the court is having an advocate accompany me to court. I don't know what will come out of it. They could impose a 5 year restraining order. Since this is the 2nd time since 2005, it wouldn't surprise me. I just don't know what I want. Actually, I do. I want something I can't have. I want the man back that I married in 2000. I think I do anyway. But I don't think that is possible, and I think too much bad has happened for us to ever recover our relationship. Projecting, I know. Stop, Becky1, Stop! Please keep me in your prayers. Tomorrow I will be really and truly leaving the home that I loved. My garden, my flowers, my rock garden I made.....the stone wishing well, our wedding tree we planted on the spot where we spoke our vows. All that seems so long ago. I guess I have been living on dreams, not being honest with myself about how bad things had gotten. Now, I gotta wake up and smell the coffee, when I just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. Love in Recovery, Becky1
My heart and prayers are with you today. I have followed your story and been on and off of these boards and decided to check in today and I didn't realize you are where you are right now. Bless you. I know you have been through many heartbreaks and heartache. It is time for you to have some peace and happiness. Even if you don't end up having a mate right now or in the future, just know that you aren't alone. Your HP is always with you and you can be strong and independent on your own. It is such a life changing event for you I know but you will most likely look back on it one day with gratefulness.
I know it is so tough to leave your old life and your home. Remember that things change all of the time in our lives, and a new chapter is to come, and it may be TEN or 100 times better than your previous life. When I had the worst times of my life with change a couple of years ago, when I thought my life would be just over if I didn't have my man and that life, I began reading a book that changed my outlook. "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. It is so great and gives you a good outlook.
I wish you so much luck and love, and support tomorrow. Please know we are all with you... take care of yourself...!!
I know it was absolutely wrenching for me to leave my home. I put so much effort into it. Like you I really worked on the garden. I wanted, craved a home with the A. I tried and tried and then tried some more after that. All of it was destroyed by the A. Personally for me I have had to actively really activley work on not knowing where the A is, what he is doing, what he says to others. I was really actively wounded by his comments not knowing is essential for me (even now!).
I made a huge point at a certain point not to be in contact with any of the A's friends. Yet there are some things that I have not done yet. I need to move on in different ways have garage sales, set goals, do things, make a new support system. I can understand your grief and rage.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I went the restraining order route before. I know it was essential in saying goodbye to the relationship. It was one more chain along the way. I was certainly ambivalent for a long time. Now I have no contact with the A but I did not arrive there overnight, it took a long long time for me to get there.
Moving on is very very difficult I admire your courage and conviction and clarity. Please check in tomorrow if you have a moment to let us all know how you are doing.
Becky, I will pass along to you something that was passed to me by a dear friend and I have passed on to others when they needed it.
When you get scared, feel unsure about what to do, let your arm drop by your side and tightly, very tightly clench your fist. That will be me holding your hand.
We may not be able to do some things alone but with a good friend at our side we can do anything.
My prayers will be with you tomorrow. Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I left my home and have been renting rooms, etc. since because I chose to attend grad school, etc. Its been so long and arduous. I cannot wait for the day when I can get my own place again- its been 3 years now sharing houses, renting rooms, dealing with room mates, etc. You are lucky to have the resources to make the move and set up house again! My thoughts are with you for a smooth process and take care- Hugs, J.
(((Becky))) My thoughts are w/you today and I hope everything goes as planned. Your post today brought tears to my eyes, especially since I am going thru the same thing w/my AH. Last week he was arrested for threatening me too, and I now have a stay away order. It's hard, very hard, especially cause, like you, I don't want this, I don't want to be away from him (in spite of him saying "you're happy I'm gone"), I just want the man that I married and had for over 14 wonderful, sober years back to love and love me again. But I know this was not meant to be, and I know HP is looking out for me and much better things are on the horizon. Just remember, in order to see the rainbow, you have to have the storm. Much love to you. Terri
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am so sorry it has come to this, but know that God is leading you where you are supposed to be. Just hold on and let Him have your life. I have never been through what you are going through, but I have been through enough pain to know that if we try to do it all ourselves, it just doesn't work. You are so brave and strong. Let God hold you up, dear friend. He loves you! This is about you healing and moving on. Hang in there knowing we care so much about you.
Love and blessings to you as you take one day at a time ~ Lexie
Well, I thought that was dumb, because I wasn't doing anything wrong on the MySpace, nothing for him to be jealous of. 