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[spoiler] If the last few days weren't so pathetic and totally crazy, it would be funny. A Son was rescued again by his separated from W. W has a BF with money who she really doesn't want but he pays for lots. W & BF signed a lease on a house so W can breed dogs. She has 2 females 3 males to breed and 7 puppies to sell. A son moves in with her. BF is around alot, but everyone understands each other. Son and W sleep in the master bedroom. BF writes all the checks. BF has been obsessed with W for many years, but he was married and now he is newly divorced and probably thinking all was well till A Son reappeared. On Tuesday craziness began with W reading A son's emails making fun of her. She flips and ends up in the psych hospital. Her mom calls me to cry. Friday BF goes to the hospital and tells W that A Son has a girl at the house and they are doing coke. Son denies it, but W believes it. Son says it was a neighbor who came to jump the car and stayed to watch a movie. A son flips out at BF, eventually sending him 15 threatening text messages. W, from the hospital, orders BF to have son arrested for harrassment and thrown out of the house. BF does it last night. MIL picks up Son at the police station. Luckily we weren't home when he called us first. BF is staying at the hospital and "poisoning" W's brain. Son is with MIL, but already has someone lined up to pick him up and return to upstate. MIL went to the hospital to talk to her daughter because she believes A Son and absolutely hates BF. MIL must be home by now, but I am not calling. I feel terrible that my son is in her house. She is guilty because she thinks her daughter is awful and a user. She has always had a soft spot for son. He is always sweet and kind to her and W is always the bad one. I want to go get him and all his stuff and keep him here a while. Maybe he can figure out what to do next, but H blows his top at the idea. I know it's a stupid idea that can never work, but he is my child. I don't know what to believe about the girl and coke. Maybe it's a lie and maybe not. I can't stand that he just bounces around, making arrangements that sound ok and then everything blows up. He is a binger and I think he is totally sober now. ESH for a crazed mother please. I know i have done the right thing-nothing, but it doesn't feel too good. Thanks, Laura
Laura, you don't want to be involved in their crazy making, you did the right thing. Let them, including your son figure it all out. Sounds like there all on drugs. lol. I know its not funny, but like you said it sounds like a bad B movie. Listen to your H, he is right. You did the right thing, by doing nothing. Leave him to is HP. Luv, Bettina
It must be really hard to be a Mom of an adult son. There are two ladies in their sixties or seventies that I am friends with they both talk about their sons who live with them and how they want life to be better for their adult sons who are in their 40's I just wonder why it is so hard for some Mom's to let their children grow up.( one of these ladies actually said she was afraid to go on vacation because she was afraid to leave son alone, he's like 45 or something). I'm glad you came here to vent and discuss and hope you will stay strong and give your son the gift of life by letting him make his own choices and learn and grow from them.
My BF's Mom actually said to me one time "why can't my son be responsible and grown up" I so badly wanted to say "Because you won't let him" you bail him out every time he gets in a fix, you let him come stay with you when he gets mad at me and walks out, you enable him to be a large child rather than an adult, YOU are telling him he can't, that he is not able, every time you do for him. But she wouldn't have gotten it anyway.
Thats the drama of addiction!! It's awesome to watch and even more awesome to listen to and use an imagination on. I was told by a former sponsor to look at my life in the disease as if I were sitting in the audience of a theater watching a play of it. How would I like the play. "I would hate it"!! I replied. "Everytime it came around to you, you would play your part in it." I agreed with that. "What do you imagine would happen to the play if someone handed you a different script?" he asked. After a few seconds of thought, I smiled and got the picture. "The play would not be able to go on" I replied and started writing myself another script with this program.
You don't have to act out that part. You can use another script.
I am shocked how many men live with their mommies. I don't see as many women who do that.
I can tell you from experience sure the mother enables, probably always has.In my experience, it is the A sons decision to go to mommy.
Will also tell you when they no longer go to mommy, they will find some not lady woman to enable them.there are LOTS available.
My queery is, now this was like watching a movie here. How in the world do you know every detail?? Were you a ladybug on the wall?
I refuse to listen or be a part of drama. Not into it.
Can also tell you inviting them home is the worst thing we can do to our grown children. It is saying I know you cannot make it on your own so come home.
Good for you not doing anything. I am very glad you have a wise husband to say no way. It is terribly hard to not bring them home.They are always part of us.
When there is a living situation like that, there is something not right going on.I am so glad you stay away from it.
This is a horribly toxic situation. I would invite you to quit listening to the drama. Not like it is going to change unless he goes into recovery. What good does it do for you to hear about it??
In my own selfish way I am glad my A son is with his MIL. There is food, a bed, no alchohol, no drugs, and he is totally dependent on her to get around. So for me, it means a few nights of not wondering and worrying and being scared of the phone. I know it won't last. and his next situation might be even crazier. I am doing nothing, but it it hard to cut the MIL off when she is frantic. I like her a lot. Laura
I think for me the living on the edge has some pay off to it. Its a way for me to take the focus off me. This week I learned one of my neighbors has taken up with his ex. Neither are working. They sleep in all day get up at 4:00 p.m. go down the street, move the car one block, come back and go back to bed. I don't need an imagination to know what they are doing. I also know for me this was my life entirely before al anon (not the drug part) but the intensity/drama/chaos craziness.
I make a huge huge point of not engaging. I'm polite but I have nothing to say. I know all about where those relationships go. I have to super focus on not feeling resentful about the fact neither of them work. I am sure they are paying a price for it.
I could spend a year or more observing others. I know exactly how to attach to dysfunctional people. I also know its so easy for me to obsess/wonder/chronicle how terrible their lives are.
These days I don't even imagine having a relationship with the neighbor beyond bye and hi. That's hard for me. I can't even imagine what it is to do that with a son. Yet I know where alcoholism and crazy behavior goes. I know certainly where love addiciton and fast hook ups go, drama, drama and more drama. I also know how enticing and how spectacular it is to watch. I think the idea of seeing it abstractly as a play is wonderful. I am starting to see that. The more I can detach the better. The more I can keep my business out of it the better.
I also know that there is something in there for me that I want to be important to other people. Letting go of an a or an acting out person is so hard. Yet whenever I put myself into the equation I am able to do that. What about me? What do I need to do to take care of me. Clearly I am beyond jumping into a relationship with anyone, let alone a drug user. Clearly there is a huge ego involved if I think I can do anything about the situation, I can roll with it though. I do work on that. The more grace and humor I can have the better because otherwise I can be all doom and gloom.
This is very tough stuff to deal with but its also the magic of detachment. The more I am detached, the less my life is swallowed up by madness. I've been there in the madness and I'm no longer wiling to go back. Maresie.
