The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Weekend, spent time and effort planning very nice bed and breakfast get away. BF was sober but SILENT the whole freaking time. He said most important thing to him was me having a good weekend then acted like a zombie the whole time. NOT one time did he try to engage me in conversation. Sober but distant! Picture this: we are sitting on the beautiful patio overlooking a river and he is just silent and BLANK!!! Yet he is doing things supposidly to please me says he wants to ride bikes around the little town and we do but he ignores me the whole time. He suggested the weekend, he called me when he was out of town last week but as always made no real conversation (he never has but he was extra terrified the "guys", a bunch of drunk convict types (really not just saying this) he was worried these guys would think he is whooped really.. a bunch of guys with NOone to come home to. Anyway I think this is some kind of control game or something because I see and hear him act like a very charming warm friendly person to others and distant and just very very silent with me. When I try to engage him in conversation he just gives one word answers or make some lame joke or sometimes he is so very crafty at totally changing the subject It's really wild I end up giving him the attention or validation or conversation I was hoping for from him and get this to further the rejection even that falls on dead ears as if so what.... Uhh... I wasn't listening... I am so very frustrated... thank God he is now leaving for 10 more days I plan to just work out, think of myself and my daughters, maybe have lunch with the older one and just not think about him at all. Maybe get alot of work done too. Maybe buy something for the house if I have a good week. So lonely but gonna fill that space with me, friends, good reading and get in a better place. Problem is when I get in a better place, then he acts like he cares like by suggesting such a weekend or something, I start thinking things will be good and then he ignores me again and bam... back to feeling sorry for myself again YUK!!!
Glad - are we involved with the same A? What is it with him? lol In many ways, mine behaves the same way. Removed. Distant. Then suddenly, he's fine. Chatty and jovial. Mine's never been mean in any way - though a bit passive aggressive with the communication. And when I get busy with my life - he becomes very attentive. It's such a dance. So - I've decided that being busy with my life is what I'll be. It's what I've been for years and years, and I know I do that well, so I will continue with that. And I like doing that anyway. I like myself better and I'm far more interesting when I get busy with my own life. He can be a part of it if he likes. It would sure make me happy if he did. But today I KNOW I'll be fine if he chooses not to be - or if he behaves that way. Today I know that I have absolutely NO CONTROL over anything or anyone except myself. He's going to be the way he's going to be. We're not going to be able to manipulate the situation to get the results we desire. At some point, we just have to decide if this is what we truly want - long term.
What are we three living ground hog day!!! My husband is 23 days sober, hasnt been sober in his life, ever. He is very quiet, very distant, at first I said something, now I just go about my life and pay him no mind. I think its a combination of not knowing what to say or how to be. You dont say how long your A's have been sober. I think the only way they know how to be, is drunk, so they try to push our buttons, so they can get fuel and I'm not going for it. So, girls it will get better. They are so use to the game and the viscious cycle. I have stepped off of the merry go round a long time ago and got out of his way and he finally sunk to his bottom. I pray he continues on his sober path, whether he does or not, my happiness does not depend on whether he is sober or not. Were all doing great!!! Keep working it. Luv, Bettina
Maybe it might help looking at the word as dis-ease. Could be a lot of things. Simplest one for me is that I get to determine how it comes out for me...not the alcoholic. It use to be the other way around when I was in the dis-ease. I learned also that I didn't need anyone's permission or a new law to get me on the way to changing how things went on or came out for me...that is my responsibility not anyone elses...drunk or not. 2nd half of the 1st step, "...and my life has become unmanageable." I didn't like that ownership statement. I had to get to work.
Keep coming back it works if you work it. (((((hugs)))))
yeah, a trip down (hellish) memory lane...yikes, really glad I am not there anymore. My ex AH would pull the silent treatment often. AND for days on end. silence, pouting, its so incredibly childish. That diseased man had NO abilities to take care of himself in any way shape or form through word or deed. And I could not teach him or help him in any way, either. He had to resort to such antics in order to somehow cope. he was completely unable to speak directly or coherently about himself. He did not even know himself. He was so full of fear. This is the disease- the horrible fear that reduces one to the behaviors of a child or infant.
I am in a relationship with a very different variety now. We are still getting to know each other but the maturity level seems high, we are adults, professional, consenting, healthy, busy adults living our full and active lives. Yes, there are things to negotiate but we are also able to make it the way that suits us- we are very busy and live far from each other so we have specific CLEAR expectations in light of this, etc. It just makes so much sense, this time around. I remember that feeling of constantly scratching my head going- HUH?! Not so anymore. thank god!!!!!! If I get one single moment of head scratching, I know I need to be very very very careful...Hugs, J.
Yep been there, it was our honeymoon of all things.We did it later into our marriage. He never moved from the couch, never came to bed.
next morn I packed up the car and said lets go. I did not talk to him. This was before i had alanon.
he told me years later an A does not like to be out of control.Where can he get his drug, how can he hide it from whoever? They have nothing to say becuz they don't think like we do. when they say they don't know,they don't.
They are not just one person. Of course they want to seem ok to others. They can let it all be their typical boring selves around us.
I learned with out alanon to go ahead and do what I wanted. Was very sad as we were newlyweds.
When he was on a great program and very clean duringthose years we had such good times.Simple stuff.
We used to laugh a lot together, he was always bringint me flowers,jewelry it was so cool when he would bring me wildflowers.
I feel so sad for the A's. such a waste.
hugs to you hon, good for you thinking ahead. Keep busy.
You know I have such insight on this this weekend because I finally told a neighbor that I don't need her rides anymore to go to the store. I really put so much "trying" into a relationship. I have such a high tolerance for dysfunction. My neighbor is really really dysfunctional. I won't even go into what it means to get a "ride" for her. But I wanted/craved affection (in a neighborly sense) and wanted craved someone to care and "be there". Obviously she couldn't. She is so wound up in her stuff she has all these crazy behaviors but I put up with it. Now I've told her (admittedly not in the best way) she's furious of course. How dare I?
I am such an incredible people pleaser. When people don't meet my needs, I beg them for it!!!
When people behave in crazy dysfunctional ways I sit around and obsess about it and feel resentful rather than get on the task of meeting my needs.
For 7 years solid I resented the hell out of the A because every holiday, birthday, whatever he made certain my needs were sabataged. For whatever reason I was not able to say this isn't working for me and go off and take care of myself.
For whatever reason too my craving/dysfunctional behavior until now kept me from saying, um waiting around for my neighbor is more work than actually getting on the bus and going to get it myself. All my life I've been going to the butchers to buy bread. All of it. Only now can I stand and look at my craving behavior. I think it has much to do with writing and working on a fouth step.
Yes there is commiseration. Why oh why are these people so dysfunctional. I have no idea what my neighbor is. I know I'm not responsible for her and she'd love me to be. I have enough to do to take care of me and my dogs.
I can empathise with them but not with myself. Some days I don't even know what my needs are and I certainly don't know what red flags are. I see them and say oh yeah a red flag I'm going to ignore that one. Another one comes up oh yeah well I'll make that go away.
I spent 7 years with an A who rarely if ever acknowledged I had a need. I spent 7 years with someone who was wholly uncooperative in every single way in dealing with household stuff while at the same time blaming me if anything went wrong. I worked for a woman like that recently. After resenting her I walked away, it took a few phone calls from her drunk and the same old patterns to emerge for me to say I'm not getting anything out of this.
For me there was some pay off in not getting my needs met. I know how to be a martyr, victim yes (although I think my neighbor is spectacular as a victim she's made a huge opera out of it - she gets the crown for it). I know how to be a martyr, victim but assertive, no nonsense, boundaried, nope don't know that. I'm learning that, saying no to the A and meaning it was a first step.
Now saying no and working on my needs is new but its so much better than victim/martyr, so much more rewarding. I do have to say its a time of not knowing the water well but its pretty warm so my only ESH is to look at your cravings, be willing to acknowledge them, take responsibility for them and stop acting out on them. Active and sometimes newly sober A's can't meet needs well, I banged on that drum for years, now I'm saying I'll meet my own needs because trying and willing, and obsessing about the fact other's don't just makes me sick.
