The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this, I realize that I need recovery from a life time of others drinking and drugs. I am for the first time in my 44 years angry at my father and sister who have been verbally and mentally abusive. How do I deal with the anger. I just hit a wall this past year watching my sister sprial out of control and having my father enable her ocne again, despite the meaness which lead to incareration. I keep thinking that for once he will choose me, protect me. I need to get past this. God has given me a wonderful husband and children. I have the home I never had growing up. Peace abouds except for my extended families problems.
Sometimes just letting yourself acknowledge that you HAVE the anger goes a long way towards dealing with it. I urge you to try face to face alanon meetings - there is enormous power in saying some of these things out loud to other real human beings. I found that some things that had been burdening me for years more or less drifted away once I had talked about them at a meeting or two. We can drag our dirty secrets out into the light and take a good look at them, as they lay there stinking on the table. Resentment, jealousy, wounded pride - mostly they have a way of evaporating when they are acknowledged.
You've been through a lot, and you have a right to have these feelings. Talk 'em out, try a few new techniques which you can find here, and you may find that your problems are manageable after all. Welcome.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress! It is through this program, working the steps, attending face to face meetings, and using this website to get a grasp of where I am, who I am, and where I want to get to. This place is full of hope, and has taught me how to use tools and skills to deal with bad behavior (alcoholic/addiction behaviors, namely).
In your message, you mention that a lot of the problems are external to your immediate family. I understand and want to reassure of something... we did not get to choose our family of origin. Nor do we have to have them be a part of our lives, especially if their behavior is less than healthy. Does that make us bad people? Heck no!
Learning how to implement healthy boundaries is one of the biggest challenges that us "al-anonics" need to master. Quite a few of us grew up in chaotic households, and the emotional lessons we learned only helped us to live in chaos ourselves. Today, I challenge me to keep my own behaviors healthy. I only can control my behavior, noone elses. What I can do, though, is only stay emotionally attached to people who are emotionally safe and emotionally available. That means, people in my life who are not emotionally safe are kept outside of the walls that guard my feelings and self-esteem.
I urge you to keep coming back and keep writing your feelings down... Hope you are able to let go of your Dad and Sister's "toxic" behavior, and focus on the peace and serenity you want to keep with your hubby and kids.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Welcome to an extended family with an extended characteristic of love and acceptance. This is a doorway to the Al-Anon Family Groups as 12step and 12 tradition, spiritually based recovery program. It has save many minds and lives around this planet. Yes the AFG is world wide. At the least you will find direction to other sources of help at the best you will find peace of mind and soul and serenity of spirit. This is not a religion...You get to sit down and listen and participate, take what you like, leave the rest, get suggestions without advice (more than not) and practice what others have done that may also work for you. Then you get to pass it on to others.
Glad you found the doors to recovery. (((((hugs)))))
Anger, fear, hurt all are tied in together. It's okay to feel angry, at least you are not denying your feelings- that would just be you being mean to you, it's what you do with your feelings when you identify them that matters. So good that you are thankful for all the good things in your life that was/ is my first step toward dealing with the not so positive moments. Alanon is where you need to be please attend as many face to face meeting as you can I was very surprised at how rapidly help from my Higher Power came to me and how much alanon directed my path. Keep coming back- you sound like a wonderful person with alot to offer this group!
I've been working on a 4th step with a sponsor. Having her read and acknowledge my background is so key for me. She just acknowledged it, didn't interpret it, didn't tell me what to do, didn't compare, didn't do any of the things I am so used to.
For me personally being angry at my family of origin is and was a huge part of my recovery. Family of origin issues is why many people drink. I just met a wonderful man in recovery who has never dealt with his family of origin issues. Many many people do a 4th step and never acknowledge their family of origin issues and gloss over them, make excuses, run from the pain.
The fact you are doing this work is so commendable. I know it takes immense courage to look at, face and work through such pain and see how they get played out in your current life.
There is no question for me my high tolerance for dysfunctional behavior around me, the lack of boundaries, fear and people pleasing all originate from a childhood rife with abandonment, pain and abuse. Working through that, looking at how it affected me in the present is so crucial. I work with a counselor, work with a sponsor, talk about this a great deal. I find enormous respite, care, love and attention here on this board.
Welcome to the world of recovery. You are now on an amazing journey full of pain, love, discovery and eventually an acceptance that will help you move to a new phase of your life. Note that I don't gloss over the pain, there is tremendous pain in looking at a childhood that was no ideal. There is also at some point relief, grief and acceptance that is worth getting to. Recovery can indeed be worth it, there are days I don't believe that but other days when I really feel progress is possible and really really worth the effort and commitment
Here we share our ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope).
I can relate to your experiences in growing up with alcohol addiction, as there are many alcoholics in my family. I have found that since I have been involved with AlAnon I am better able to deal with the problems that have occurred as a result of having grown up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family.
Keep coming back. I'm sure you will find the ESH you need to deal with yours too.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
